The Reason I Don’t Try Making New Friends Anymore

It’s hard out here in this new age.

Not to toot my own horn, but making friends is actually my strongest forte. I could probably sell a course on it.

My secret sauce is simple.

I approach people assuming the best in them.

Call it naive, but that draws people in like moths to a flame.

It’s not even something I do consciously. It’s in my nature to make people feel good and comfortable. Who wouldn't want to feel like that?

I’m not one of those people who judges and calculates people on the go. I don’t look into their soul and search for the hidden ugly.

Okay, I do that. But after going home.

(when reflecting upon the conversation in my head)

But hey when they’re in my radius, I give even the worst people a shot. For better or for worse, I give the benefit of the doubt. And it’s quite rewarding when I find gems of people.

Besides, it's exhausting to constantly be on the lookout for people’s true intentions — the ulterior transactions in their minds.

But that all changed as the season of reality checks began in my life a couple of years ago.

The Universe showed me that it’s better to be exhaustingly wary of people than to be betrayed, leeched off on, or taken advantage of.

The latter is even more debilitating.

So after the world forcefully knocked out the optimist in me, I transformed into a realist.

In simple words, a realist “hopes for the best and prepares for the worst”.

Let me give you some scenarios, from my personal experiences.

When someone vents to me about their financial problems and tries to evoke “sorry” emotions in me, I hope they’re just looking for a friend who can sympathize with them.

But I’m prepared for them to ask me for money someday, thinking they have successfully emotionally manipulated me. I mean, nobody pops the “Can you lend me some?” out of nowhere. You’ve probably been their target for a while, long before you noticed.

Luckily this hasn’t happened to me often, but I’ve seen it happen up close to my close ones.

How many friendships or relations that you personally know, have bitten the bullet because one party borrowed money and never returned it?

Prepare for the worst.

Rainbows and unicorns don’t preserve friendships. Anticipation and boundaries do.

I’m still hopeful that I will make a new friend who wants nothing but just good company from me. But I know that it’s rare to come by. And when it does, I will cherish it.

Another scenario, particularly for my ladies.

When a guy is nice and caring to me (rather, unusually nice), I hope he is a gentleman.

But I’m prepared for him to pull a sneaky move on me someday, then get ego-bruised and aggressive when I turn him down.

I’m still hopeful I’ll meet fine gentlemen.

But realism has taught me that such men are not an easy catch.

What I’m trying to say is, I’m over these transactional vibes. I’m yearning for the authenticity and genuineness that once existed.

Gone are those days when people lived in the moment, not being strategic about their every word, interaction, and acquaintance.

Hell, even on Medium, we are incentivized to “engage” with people. It’s the one place that gave me some hope. Now it’s getting transactional out here too. I‘ve not been here for long, so I dunno how it was before. Maybe the veteran folks can pitch in.

Was engagement more authentic when it wasn’t guaranteed to make you more money?

I think we were engaging fine and dandy even before. So why specifically incentivize it and jade the authenticity?

On here, I read your work because I’m either learning something from it or admiring something about it.

If that happens to be a 2-way street, awesome! If it doesn’t, okay with me. Because I. will. still. read. your. good. work.

Anyway, to conclude my point with this messily written essay —

I’m interested in friendships. I always was. But transactional deals masquerading as “friendships” are beyond me.

And in real life, I’m happy with the long-term friends I already have. And fortunately, I’m surrounded by kids these days. I love being their friend. They don’t give a crap about anything other than just being “friends” — in the simplest sense of the word.