The Real Work of Being a Human

There was a moment a few weeks ago while I was sitting with my parents during dinner where I felt exceptionally grateful for everything in my life. For the first time in a long time, I was outside eating food in a beach town near where I grew up drinking a big glass of Pinot Grigio and listening to old pop songs and I felt happy.

And then I felt guilty.

Why should I be allowed this happiness when there is so much to be unhappy about? We are still in the midst of a pandemic. We are fighting systemic racism. We are plagued with a “president” who doesn’t care about any of those issues. Why should I be happy? Is it my white privilege that is allowing me this moment? I mean if I really wanted to be a model citizen, wouldn’t I stay inside until there’s a vaccine to save us all from ourselves? And wouldn’t I only leave my home to protest the injustices that People of Color face? What is correct anymore? What is the right thing to do?

Everyday I’m making an effort to read and learn. When I go out, I’m always equipped with a mask. I protest. I’ve gotten tested for COVID and will continue to check my status. But I also see some friends. I go to the beach. I am able to find moments of carefree drunkenness and even excitement. I have time to focus on my acting and my writing. I don’t have a job, which is low key terrifying, but I do have choices to make. That in itself is a luxury of which I’m not sure I’m worthy. I can still afford therapy to work through all of my own personal feelings and behaviors. I have so many things that allow me to compartmentalize in order to survive.

There’s so much going on. There’s so much pain and death and injustice. And when I’m focusing on myself, I worry that I could be using the time in a better way. I should be reading more about racism and staying inside more. I should be doing so much to help society and yet I still have my own stuff to grapple with. And that makes me feel guilty. And even my guilt is a privilege.

So the real work is here now. How do I live my life while never losing sight of the issues that affect all of us? How do I practice kindness to myself while also fighting the good fight? How do I get the things I want out of life in this new world? Even simple choices are no longer so simple. How we spend our time deeply impacts those around us in ways we may never know. Going on a trip for a weekend with a large group of friends could literally kill people.

But what I find most revealing is that although it seems that our choices now might have a greater impact on those around us, didn’t our actions always have consequences? Yes, not wearing a mask before COVID might not have killed someone, but how we treat ourselves and those around us always matters. We act as if it didn’t before and now suddenly it’s a huge inconvenience to care. It’s a huge inconvenience to confront that perhaps we didn’t give that much of a shit to begin with, so the ‘real work’ of simply being human is learning to give a shit in a real way. Is it not?