The Real Reasons People Stay In Abusive Relationships

Why do some people stay in abusive relationships? There are some very valid reasons. Let’s get right into it!

#1 They Don’t Believe They Deserve Better

Many people end up in abusive relationships due to low self-esteem. They may be confident in certain areas, like their work ethic, physical fitness, or mental capabilities, but at the core they are vulnerable to abusive partners because they grew up with one or two abusive parents.

Sometimes, one of the parents isn’t narcissistic but is an enabler of the other narcissistic parent.

This is why the statement “You teach people how to treat you” doesn’t have a lot of meaning for people who often find themselves with abusive or emotionally unavailable people. It’s bordering on victim blaming.

Something many people do not understand is that people are desensitized to abuse when they grew up with it. It can feel normal or have a sense of “home”.

You don’t know how to ask for respect without being taught how to ask for respect.

This is why therapy is crucial for people who experienced childhood abuse and have continually chosen abusive partners.

You may not know how to recognize traits of abusive people and you will need help setting boundaries and healing old wounds.

#2 Reactive Abuse Makes The Abuser Look Like The Victim

Reactive abuse is done to trigger reactions out of the victim. They may react in ways they wouldn’t normally. For example, if they have repeatedly been hit by their partner they may one day lose their mind and react violently, inflicting the same type of abuse on their abuser.

What normally ends up happening is the victim will emotionally react to being trampled on and gaslit. They may start yelling, swearing, name calling, and acting in ways that seem unstable but are normal reactions to being emotionally abused.

Unfortunately, abusers use reactive abuse to make their victims look like the unhinged abusive ones. They enjoy the power they hold over the victim and will use it to prove “I knew you were crazy. You need help.”

Yeah, they need help getting away from you, scum bag.

This is why gaslighting is often referred to as “crazy making”. As the movie Gaslight shows, being emotionally manipulated can make people think they are losing their minds.

Abusers know their victims don’t want to be perceived as mean or bad, so they try to get negative reactions out of you to “prove” you aren’t stable or kind. This causes fear in the victim — they don’t want to seem crazy or mean so they take more abuse.

#3 Love Bombing Tricks People Into Committing To Abusers

Have you ever wondered why beautiful, talented, kind people often end up with abusers? You may have thought “I thought she was smarter than that!” Well, unfortunately abusers tend to be pretty charming and nice at the beginning. In some cases they will give someone the best first date of their life.

People who are ready for a relationship may fall for the mind games needed to create a trauma bond with someone. The victim believes they are in love and when the abuser suddenly switches up (This usually happens after the victim has fallen for the abuser and can’t easily leave) they don’t know how to handle it.

The victim wonders what they did wrong and will try to make up for their perceived failures.

They learned as a child that love hurts and you need to be perfect to please those who love you, so as an adult you still try to “win” people back after they have treated you horribly.

#4 The Narcissist’s Sad Origin Story

Some narcissists have had traumatic childhoods themselves. If their parent was a narcisssist, they too experienced fear, abuse, and control.

This type of experience sadly weaponizes the narcissism and they can be particularly cruel, moreso than a narcissist who wasn’t raised by abusers.

So we hear about how hard done by this abuser is. It is very sad-there’s no doubt about it. If you have ever been through abuse as a child, you should get therapy. You deserve to heal from that.

However, using your sad origin story as an excuse to mistreat and hurt people is wrong.

Many societies enable and even commend narcissistic qualities. They excuse evil successful people if they had a bad upbringing or if they experienced other traumas.

This silences victims and continues to enable abusive behaviours.

What I’d like to know is why we are always told the abuser’s sad origin story. Why are we giving their voices prevalence over the people they victimized?

What about the victims’ origin stories? Let’s hear more about the sad things they’ve experiences yet still choose to love and be kind to people. Let’s hear more about the obstacles they’ve overcome. Let’s start seeing their positive traits and stop excusing wicked people for exploiting their kindness.

Final Thoughts

If you have ever experienced trauma, you have a right to heal and live a happy life. Usually that means learning how to set boundaries, how to recognize abusers, and healing old (and new) wounds. This isn’t accomplished in one day or even in a month. I takes time, but you will get better.

There may be cognitive distortions or patterns you fall into that you aren’t aware of yet. Sometimes you need a guide to help you see your weak spots.

Seeing a therapist experienced with narcissistic abuse can work wonders for your mental health and life. Even if you are a narcissist yourself.

You deserve to heal and live the life you always dreamed.

Thank you so much for reading today!