The Real Reasons Behind Your Failed Relationships
And what you should do about them.
Relationships are a huge part of our lives.
Humans are social beings, which means that they don’t simply want but also need to form relationships in order to be happy. This is something that has been validated by years of social research. Unfortunately, finding the ideal partner at once is almost impossible.
As the years pass by, most of us end up with numerous failed relationships- some more than others. But what are the real reasons behind those failed attempts? Differences and timing do play an important role in whether a relationship is going to succeed or not, but they are not the core problem.
1. Unmet Needs
So, why do people have relationships? The answer is because they have needs that to be met. The tricky part here is that many people have a hard time distinguishing between what they want and what they are actually in need of. For example, let’s say that you want to buy a really expensive designer jacket.
Do you really need it, although you already have plenty of jackets? Is this item vital for your happiness? Well, I don’t think so. Social recognition, on the other hand, high self-esteem or a sense of achievement (I make a lot of money, so I can afford expensive things) might be essential for your happiness. If your number one need is social recognition and no one admires your new jacket nor makes flattering comments about it, guess what: your need will remain unmet and you’ll probably end up buying many more expensive clothes.
This example was made in order to illustrate that behind our actions/our behavior, are hidden, unmet needs whose existence we might not even realize. Likewise, it is possible that in the past you pursued a relationship with a person who would never be able to satisfy a specific need of yours.
On the other hand, you might have ended a relationship although the other person could easily meet your needs — if only you sat down and discussed them with them.
What Can I Do About It?
Taking the above into consideration, the first step is to identify your needs. Find some time to sit down and ask yourself what it is that you really need a person to provide you with? Don’t rush into a relationship without knowing what you want from this person.
The next step is asking yourself how many people in your life have actually a good understanding of what your needs are. Your answer probably varies from none to very few. That’s because most of us make the false assumption that our partner already knows what we want and need from them. We think that certain things are self-evident.
Thus, when our partner doesn’t behave the way we want them to or doesn’t make the gestures we expect them to, we come to the conclusion that they’re not good enough/suitable for us. It would be extremely beneficial for you and your relationship if you took the time to communicate your needs to them.
2. Being Affected by Social Scripts
Social scripts play a significant role when we develop relationships.
The term “social scripts” refers to certain norms and practices that are constructed by society. These norms end up governing the life of the people who live within them. The most common script, for example, is the idea that relationships should follow a specific pattern.
One person meets another, they start dating, get engaged, get married, and start their own family. Whether we like it or not, all of us, as members of a society, are influenced by social scripts even at a subconscious level. As a result, we have specific expectations of how things should be going within a relationship and what behavior we should adopt.
The problem is that we often let social scripts affect our relationships in the sense that when things don’t go according to these norms, we think that there’s something wrong and we self-sabotage them.
What Should I Do About It?
The way to get rid of the impact social scripts have on you and the way you approach a relationship is to understand that they are an obstacle, standing in the way of your needs.
You see, a specific set of behaviors might suit and satisfy others but it may not be the right one for you or in accordance with your personality, needs, and overall mindset.
How about you create your own script? Now I know that defying society’s norms might sound a bit terrifying, but you should always keep in mind that your happiness comes first. Confirming to norms that you and your partner disagree with, will only jeopardize your relationship.
On the other hand, as mentioned above, you may convince yourself that something is wrong with your relationship and end up sabotaging it. For example, just because your partner doesn’t invite you to hang out with their friends, doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re not proud of you.
It’s possible that they prefer spending some quality time with you alone rather than share you with their friends. Or the fact that your partner hasn’t introduced you to their family yet, doesn’t mean they’re not serious about you. There’s a chance they like to keep their relationships private. Don’t let social scripts affect you. You should just forget about them.
3. Focusing on the Differences
Couples often break up due to their differences. It is one of the most common reasons for breakups.
We’ve all been there. After dating for a short period of time, we realize that we share little with our partner. The way we approach things, our mindset, our tastes are way too different. Well, the thing is, differences are always going to exist between two people.
We all come from different backgrounds, have grown up in different families, and have experienced different things. It’s impossible not to have differences with someone.
As a matter of fact, someone we are very different from might be perfectly able to fulfill all of our needs. That is something people rarely think about and end up giving up on relationships with potential.
What Can I Do About It?
The first step is to accept that differences are always going to emerge in a relationship and to stop searching for a person you’re completely the same with.
This person doesn’t exist. Instead, you should value differences and deal with them in a constructive manner.
By adopting a positive attitude towards diversity and maybe even developing an interest in approaches and attitudes that are different from yours, you’ll find it easier to accept and embrace the differences between you and your partner and not let them ruin your relationship.
At the end of the day, someone you’re very different from might be the one who’ll fulfill all of your needs.