The real reason not a single woman wants you (it’s not your height)

Harsh truths from an actual human female woman

My beautiful, successful, slim friend is currently dating a goblin. As in, he is the ugliest man I’ve ever seen. He is so ugly that even I gasp when I see his picture. I have to pause wondering whether she is joking. With bulging beady eyes, no chin, a slumped gait and nostrils you could fit a canoe into, he was the closest thing to a troll doll I’d ever seen. She beams at me, clearly filled with joy. “I haven’t felt this way in years,” she sighs. “I don’t even care that he’s unemployed. He’s wonderful.”

Completely truthfully, and without hindrance, she loves Mr Troll.

Now, in her defence, I’ve loved some truly ugly men. Men who have been stunned that I’d even look at them. And before you whinge at me that they were still tall, most were about 5ft 5–5ft 10. No, I like smart. I like intelligent. I like professors, historians, analysts, researchers, and doctors. They can be poor as hell, and ugly as hell, but if they are interesting and bright, I’m super into it. That’s my thing. The one thing everyone I’ve ever loved has been.

No, the reason *all* women are rejecting you, as in every single one, isn’t because of your face, or your body. There will always be someone who finds you physically attractive or doesn’t really care about your third ear. If that wasn’t true, my friend wouldn’t love her goblin, and I wouldn’t be desperately in love with men my friends called Gollum, Lord Hairless and Toad. Women are way, way less into looks than you’d think, and, interestingly, money.

Sure, I’m delighted you’re attractive, I’m very pleased if you’ve got a house in Highgate, but if you’re a horrible, cruel, boring person absolutely none of that matters.

The one hard pass, for all of us, is whether I’d be unable to stand you as a person.

Yep: having a terrible personality is the only universal dealbreaker.

I’ve blocked literal hedge-fund millionaires because they were unpleasant or sneering. I’ve unmatched with male models because they were dull and had nothing to say to me. I’ve ended it with famous actors and politicians because they were selfish or lacking in empathy. What you need to understand is that if you are breathtakingly cold, nasty, negative, unfeeling, shallow, violent, selfish, dull or nausea-inducingly bitter, you are not attractive. You’re totally undateable. It doesn’t matter if you have a helicopter and ten hotels, you’re unbearable.

It doesn’t matter if you go to the gym for four hours a day and have chiselled abs, I would still have to sit there awkwardly in silence while you stare at your steak with nothing to say, day after day. I’d still have to put up with your snide comments and cruel remarks that brought me to tears.

If I don’t trust you, like you, or feel safe or happy around you, it doesn’t matter how much you earn or how much you work out. It doesn’t matter how many cars you have or how much you spend at dinner. And that’s as true for Karen, 59 from Barnsley as it is for me. Only deeply wounded, vulnerable, and financially unstable women will stick with a horrible man. Will ever put up with someone who is rude, unkind, or spectacularly dull and bad at talking. And if even they are rejecting you, the problem is definitely you.

And you can say ‘women like bad boys’ or ‘treat em mean, keep em keen’ all you want. Yes: insecure women might tolerate you for a bit or be desperate to win your approval. But they’ll always leave. They’ll always get fed up with it. There’s a reason women overwhelmingly file for divorce when they wake up to the fact you won’t change. And if someone is seeing your staggering insecurity, personality flaws, and lack of emotional intelligence from the first conversation, they’re almost definitely going to say no.

This is just a biological imperative.

Women overwhelmingly select for secure, stable mates who are going to be reliable and safe around offspring. You can fight evolution and call us dumb bitches all you want, but that’s just the science of it. If you come across as an unstable, violent, low emotional intelligence, and bad person, we’re not going to a) pass on our genes with you, or b) want to be around you in case you are a danger to us and our offspring.

Even just in terms of our own survival as women: dating you will alienate us from our social networks because you are an outcast for your awful behaviour and personality. No one will want to be around us or help us as a couple. That, on top of the fact you’ve shown us you are a potential threat to our mental or even physical health.

The reason *all* women reject you straight away is because you’re the worst possible option.

If I go with Trollface The Poor, but he’s loyal and kind, my children will have a reliable, loving father who will be there if I die. If I go with Gollum The Weak, but he’s gentle, caring, and patient, I know my gene vehicles will have a good upbringing. If I go with Lord Hairless, but he’s charming and charismatic, I know my children will have high social skills and intelligence, setting them up for a good life.

If you’re handsome, rich, and a terrible human being who will lie, cheat, beat and steal, you’re a bad bet.

You’re a really, really stupid option for me to take. My children might be good looking, but they might also be just like you and unable to reproduce. My children might be rich, but they’ll have to put up with you and be exposed to your evil, selfish, and cruel ways, and deeply traumatised by your terrible parenting. You’re the only hard no in the pack of cards.

So work on sorting out your personality and communication skills. There’s a reason these men almost always have no friends.

Because that six pack was never the problem. The only thing that you cannot be is horrible.