The Racist Friends We Need to Leave Behind

Some people hide their racism, but no matter how long they try to repress it, it eventually comes out

My husband and I have been together for 27 years. He is white, and I am Black. When we met, we were surprised to learn that many of our friends were racist. At first, we tried to change their views but soon realized that was an impossible task.

We made new friends and deeply enjoyed and valued our genuine bonds. When I think back to pre-Covid-19 times, I recall our parties, all of our children playing and laughing together — for me, a vision of the future of humankind. It’s what I most miss in these lockdown times.

But I still think back to the early days of our relationship, when our childhood friends tried to dissuade us from dating and living together.

My husband’s twin friends — David and Mark — appeared to accept me in the beginning. They were interested in world politics and globalization and often volunteered at the World Economic Forum’s annual meeting in Davos. I was fascinated by their accounts of the meeting. They spent weeks in Davos every January assisting in the setup of the forum. They would come across some of the most influential politicians, business people, diplomats, writers, and economists worldwide. I admired them.

My husband would tell me of his childhood adventures with David and Mark. They had a greyhound dog when they were younger, and my husband would accompany them on long walks. They’d discuss everything from world politics to the latest automobile innovations. They would also wake up at the crack of dawn to engage in wildlife photography. They had a fantastic photo collection of deer, lynx, and the like. Every Christmas, they would send us a beautiful photo from their collection. I thought David and Mark were truly amazing friends.

At that time, I worked at a publishing house in Geneva, Switzerland. The company was relatively unknown; the job wasn’t that prestigious. The twins would have dinner at our place quite often and didn’t miss an opportunity to let me know how important they were because they volunteered with the World Economic Forum.

I worked at the publishing company for a few years, and when the time came for me to progress with my career, I sent a spontaneous job application to the World Economic Forum. I had studied sociology and mass communications with a strong focus on world politics and globalization. I had also completed several internships at the United Nations. When I told the twins that I had put in a spontaneous application, they burst out laughing.

“Oh, you’ll never be recruited there,” one said. “They only recruit people with PhDs and extensive work experience. Don’t get your hopes up; they won’t call you back.”

I listened patiently and thanked them for warning me. The next day, I got a call from Human Resources at the World Economic Forum. He invited me in for an interview. A few weeks later, they offered me a job on the partnerships team.

David and Mark were surprised to learn that the World Economic Forum had hired me. They started coming around less and less. In January 1998, I attended my first WEF in Davos. I was fascinated by the organization’s ability to gather the most influential movers and shakers in that small village in the Swiss Alps for a week.

On that occasion, I met with Bill Gates. He’s very shy in person — I observed him pacing back and forth before taking the stage for a speech. He seemed so nervous. I also met Paulo Coelho, the author of the award-winning book, The Alchemist. I realized that all these people were simply human beings like you and me — with fears and insecurities, good days and bad. That’s not to say that I admire them less, but there is no need to put them on as much of a pedestal as we do.

While in Davos, I came across David and Mark quite often. They were involved in a lot of the logistics of the event — setting up tables, making sure that the conference halls were well equipped. Each time I encountered them, I wondered why there was a bit of discomfort. Davos was fast-paced, so I put it all on stress. But after that event, we saw even less of the twins in our home.

Fast forward eight years later: My family and I moved to Basel, Switzerland, for me to take up a new job with a pharma company there. I reached out to David and Mark to invite them to our farewell party; they declined.

As the years progressed, we spoke to the twins over the phone less and saw them even less. Even the annual Christmas card stopped coming. I always wondered why their behavior toward us changed. I couldn’t pinpoint in my mind a moment when we may have offended them in any way. Then one day, a white friend of ours who also knew David and Mark shared a conversation he had with them.

The twins told him:

“She’s a Black woman; she should know her place. How dare she work for the World Economic Forum? She doesn’t have the right to.”

When our friend told them that I had the skills and qualifications to get that job, they responded:

“We are tired of these Black people taking our jobs. They should go back to where they came from. Swiss company jobs should only go to Swiss people, not to any other people and most definitely not to Black people—and Black women at that.”

When my friend recounted the discussion, many pieces of the jigsaw finally fell in place. After all these years, I finally understood.

Here were people who appeared normal but harbored the most racist thoughts and sentiments. I was deeply shocked and hurt to hear this. I still haven’t gotten over this all these years later.

This experience made me realize that we never really know who people are. I always question whether white or brown people are genuinely nonracist or anti-racist, or if deep down inside they harbor resentment toward me. Sometimes I even prefer when someone is overtly racist or identifies as a racist — at least then I know where I stand.

When I tell white people that I need to hear them denounce racism or engage in real, actionable acts of anti-racism, it is because until they do so, I can’t tell who they are. Some people will smile at you in your face, eat at your dinner table and laugh with you but still be racist.

I know that not all white people are racist, but those who aren’t need to tell us by their very actions that they are not. In a world where racial tensions are tuned up high, being clear about where you stand vis-à-vis racism is important — not only for Black people but for society as a whole.