The Quote That Pushed Me to Start Meditating

On the path to mindfulness

I’ve always struggled with anxiety, even when I didn’t have a word to define my feelings. I just thought I was like my mother — a “worrier.” As a kid, I would lie awake at night worrying about a spelling test the next day or torture myself over why I joined in teasing a girl I once called my best friend.

Now as an adult, I lie awake at night worrying about the future: Will I ever reach the success I want as a writer? How can I do that? What if it doesn’t happen? What will people think?

And, I’m still haunted by the past. Yeah, I’m still worrying about the girl I teased in sixth grade, my old best friend. Why was I so mean? Does that mean I’m a bad person? I hope she knows I’m sorry.

The quote I needed to hear

Today we’re facing stresses many of us never thought we’d see in our lifetime. I’m not sure I’m equipped to deal with them. My coping mechanisms are more anxiety-induced behaviors than healthy coping strategies. My old childhood habit of biting my nails (which I thought I got rid of before college) is back and driving my partner crazy.

Seeing me struggle one difficult morning recently, my partner told me this quote:

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” — Lao Tzu

It’s true. Every time I think about the future, my mind turns into an anxious overwhelmed meltdown zone. When I start thinking about the past, I start questioning my character and everything I’ve ever done or said. It depresses me.

The little monster inside me

I desperately want to be at peace. But, there’s this little monster inside me that thinks that peace does not equal success. The monster thinks that I must always brutally pick apart the past to be and do better in the future, and I must endlessly analyze every possibility for the future, so I won’t be caught off guard.

That monster is dragging me down. It thinks it’s helping me, but it’s not.

Is this what I’ve been hanging onto my entire life as a “worrier”? I’ve been agonizing over the past and worrying about the future, letting that little worry monster grow inside me.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear

Mindfulness meditation: I’ve read about it; I’ve heard about it. It boils down to the concept of being in the moment. There’s no worrying about the past or future. You’re present with all your senses and exploring your mind in a kind and non-judgmental way. Mindful Magazine has a wonderful article, “Getting Started with Mindfulness,” explaining this in detail.

It makes perfect sense. I know it will help quiet my little inner monster, but I never took that real step of DOING it. I needed that Lao Tzu quote to resonate at just the right moment. It was my teacher appearing to me when I was finally ready.

It’s time for me to stop analyzing the past and worrying about the future. I know where I want to go and I know where I’ve been. I’ve been ruminating about it for YEARS.

This is just the beginning

I’ve started my journey with mindfulness meditation. I know myself and my ability to ruin anything that seems too overwhelming (thank you, anxiety!). So, understanding my nature, I’ve committed to one week of mindfulness meditation for ten minutes a day.

I’m hoping this one week sets me up for breaking my generational “worrier” cycle and makes a healthy habit to deal with anxiety and depression. Stay tuned to see how my journey pans out.