The Quandary for Republicans: Who to Run for President in 2024
Insiders tell us it’s between Trump and Putin
Republicans are currently in the midst of a heated debate. The topic: who to run for president in 2024. From all indications, it’s between two people. According to Yuri Kalashnikov, a high-level Republican strategist who was hired by the Party right after Trump hosted Russian diplomats in secret meetings at the White House in 2017, said it will be Donald Trump or Vladimir Putin.
“Trump was always favorite,” said Kalashnikov in his halting English. “All Republican loyalists love him. Many American people love him. Only maybe a few Republican traitors in Congress who don’t. They will be taken care of.”
Kalashnikov continued. “Trump loves Putin. He tells this to everyone over many years in many ways. So all people who love Trump know he loves Putin. So all those people love Putin. Logic.”
“But as soon as President Putin launched freedom war to cleanse Ukraine of Nazi’s and liberate the Ukrainian people who want to be reunited with Mother Russia, members of Republican Party and many Americans are fooled by lies from liberal media and now praise clown President. And I don’t mean Trump.”
“This is a problem we must fix. People must get back to loving Trump and Putin. Very little is different between these two men. Either would be a good choice for a Republican candidate.”
Trump and Authoritarian Leaders
It’s no secret that Trump adores authoritarian leaders and dictators. As President, he spoke highly of people like Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Chinese President Xi Jinping, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and others.
But, over the years, he has undoubtedly developed a particularly close personal relationship with both Kim and Putin.
While in office, Trump visited Kim a number of times, and a “bromance” was born. When they were not meeting, Kim and Trump actually wrote a series of letters to each other.
In his book “Rage,” Bob Woodward describes some of these letters and Trump’s reaction to them. Trump summarized the letters by saying, “[Kim] wrote me beautiful letters and they’re great letters. We fell in love.”
I asked Yuri why he thought Trump was so enamored with Kim. “I think first they like each other because both are, how do you say, round. And, Kim always called Trump ‘Your Excellency’ and that gave Trump a little boner. Trump also very much loved Kim’s title — Supreme Leader. He loved that Kim’s advisors “cowered” when Kim spoke to them. Trump wanted the same. To be like Kim.”
According to Yuri, one of the only “planks” in Trump’s platform for 2024 is to change “President” to “Supreme Leader.” The only other one is to imprison everyone he doesn’t like.
Recently Kim lost a good amount of weight causing many to speculate that the dictator was not well. But sources say the reason for the weight loss is that he’s infatuated with Trump and is determined to win his affections back. He hoped his weight loss would “light the spark” again with Trump.
But according to Yuri, at a recent lunch consisting of two Big Macs, large fries, and four Diet Cokes, Trump commented on Kim’s weight loss saying that people who go on a diet are “losers.”
It seems that Kim may end up being disappointed, if not completely heartbroken. If that’s the case, expect more missile tests.
“I think the relationship is in trouble,” said Yuri. “Not long ago Trump made a command to make way for Kim to be running mate for 2024. But soon spark died. But, I think Trump always with strong feelings for Putin. Kim did not have a chance.”
Trump and Putin
Trump’s feelings for Putin have long been known. He’s been gushing over the Russian leader for a number of years.
In the past, Trump has equated Putin, a leader who is known for ordering assassinations of journalists and adversaries, with former American Presidents.
He turned a question about Putin’s murderous ways into an indictment of America by saying, “We got a lot of killers — a lot of killers. Why do you think our country is so innocent? Do you think our country is so innocent?… Take a look at what we’ve done too.”
He likes to tell Moscow secrets about the U.S. Four months into his presidency, he gave classified intelligence to the Russians inside the Oval Office.
He considered visiting Putin on Russian soil despite the fact that Russia attacked the U.S. election. He has even “sided with Putin against his own intel agencies in front of the world.”
And of course, most recently, he praised Putin’s moves in Ukraine, calling him “savvy” and a “genius.”
The Republican’s Dilemma
From the beginning of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, most Republicans have condemned Putin and praised Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. But it seems that once the conversation was focused on who the Republicans would choose to run for President, there was a change in sentiment. We spoke to a few Republicans who had just come out of a closed-door meeting on the subject.
“It’s not that we suddenly don’t like President Zelenskyy anymore,” said House Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “It’s that the only thing we care about is putting Republicans in control so we can save the country from the liberals who are trying to turn it into a socialist state and deprive members of Congress of our ability to build personal wealth while in office.”
McConnell, whose soul had been surgically removed shortly after he was elected to Congress approximately 183 years ago, then floated, a radical idea.
“Trump is a Putin wanna be. I’ve come around to thinking we should go after the real thing and get Putin for the nomination. I mean the guy’s gonna probably want to bail after this Ukraine thing. So we make him an offer.”
McConnell continued, his jowls flapping as he spoke in his slow, methodical, immensely irritating drawl. “I know this raises some other issues like how do we move Trump supporters to Putin. But, I really don’t think that will be a problem. Trump was already using Putin’s playbook and I know he intends to go full “Vlad,” as he likes to say if he were to be elected. We just sell his supporters on the fact that Putin is like Trump on steroids. Only with more areas of the brain still functioning.”
“Then there’s the Constitution to deal with. But since we’ll have our majority back in Congress after the mid-terms and with guaranteed help from the Supreme Court, we’ll make the necessary adjustments so Putin can run.”
“Some have said that language will be a problem. But Trump can’t speak English either and that never bothered all the people who voted for him. Plus Putin will use a translator. That will make Putin much easier to understand than Trump ever was.”
Not surprisingly, freshman Congressman Madison Cawthorn, who goes by the moniker, Pinhead Frat Boy in Congress, and is best known for being an unapologetic Trump sycophant, minced no words after the meeting. “First let me say, for about the hundredth time, I’m sorry I called Zelenskyy a “thug.” I can’t help it. I’m just a lonely, self-serving, fucking asshole when it comes down to it.”
“But, I’m so far up Trump’s ass that I can’t see any reason to support Putin. It’s true, I don’t see much of a difference between the two of them. Trump is following the Putin playbook — he’s even thrown some Hitler in there. I’d like to think that was because of a suggestion I made to him a while ago. When it comes down to it, I really believe they’d both rule the country in exactly the same way. But a big positive for Trump is that he most likely won’t have as many people assassinated as Putin has. Jail as many; assassinate fewer. I mean this is America, not Russia.”
I then spoke with Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene about who she would support for the Republican nomination. “This country is under siege, under attack by liberals who are adding to their numbers by bringing in supporters from other dimensions. I’ve been screaming at everyone at rallies, in town hall meetings, at rodeos, and wherever I speak, that they need to immediately start chewing off the legs and arms of relatives or neighbors who are democrats so they can’t steal another election. We are in desperate need of saving the country from these socialist baby eaters who are building giant space lasers that will be used to systematically vaporize all Republicans.”
Greene paused for a moment. Bloodshot eyes wide open, she wiped the foam from her mouth and asked, What was the question?”
Democrats Also in a Quandary
Democrats also face a challenge in choosing their candidate for 2024 in what is clearly a fight for the soul of the nation. It will be a fight for democracy against the forces that will bring authoritarian rule. Although Biden would be the presumptive candidate, many are wondering if he can pull off such a victory.
The Democrats know that they need someone with the energy and stamina to fight for democracy. They need someone who can motivate and inspire. They need someone with clear motives and integrity; someone who will fight for the people; someone who has no ulterior motives; someone who will fight to the end for democracy.
As far as we know, the only viable candidate is Volodymyr Zelenskyy.