Why You’re Unhappy (and 5 Ways to Fix it)
Finally, advice from a self-help book that isn’t BS.
A nice perk about being alive today is that at any given moment there’s probably some scientist out there trying to solve one of life’s greatest problems.
Positive psychology is the study of human well-being and the conditions required for people to thrive. Happiness, for short. If you had a chance to be happy for the rest of your life, would you take it?
Tal Ben-Shahar is a positive psychologist and author of Happier, No Matter What. Unfortunately for us, he posits that life won’t ever be butterflies and rainbows, even after reading his book.
OK, shit. What do we do then?
The answer is to stare at the sun.
If we want to enjoy the light from the sun, we can’t look at the sun without damaging our eyes. The same logic follows with Ben-Shahar’s deconstruction on how happiness is perceived. Here’s a video from Ruri Ohama where she mentions the iceberg effect, how people are generally only able to perceive a successful person based on labeled accomplishments, but are unable to see all of the work that was put in before any breakthrough happened.
We look to people of fame and fortune having achieved higher levels of success from a linear path. All Einstein had to do was math. Neil Armstrong just had to walk. We don’t see the pain and struggle beneath the surface.
But success doesn’t always equal happiness, and success is never linear.
So if we can’t stare at the sun, we’ve got to focus on what we can look at comfortably and derive satisfaction and happiness from that. This is the indirect pursuit of happiness that’s discussed in Happier.
SPIRE is Ben-Shahar’s prism that he breaks down the sunlight of happiness into, and is probably the first acronym in a self-help book I’ll actually remember because every letter has an immediate and practical application in our everyday lives.
And the best part about this indirect pursuit is that we don’t have to focus on every single letter in SPIRE (although that would be better), even if we only pay attention to one and focus on improving that area in our lives, the effects of that improvement will seep into all other parts of what makes for a happier well-being.
Spiritual
Spiritual well-being is the sense of purpose that we feel from our everyday tasks. Ben-Shahar shares a story of hospital janitors that were interviewed about their jobs. Happier janitors were the ones that mentally framed their work as a way to bolster the working conditions of the medical staff, increasing efficiency in the workplace, allowing (theoretically) more patients to be served over time.
Logically, this tracks. Whether or not efficiency of doctors actually increased when these happier janitors were on the clock doesn’t matter. Being able to see the bigger picture of what you’re doing is a valuable thing.
Physical
Rather than preach about the benefits of exercise (which is by no means a poor lifestyle choice), Happier’s discussion is focused more on coping with stress. By implementing simple strategies into our lives that allow for brief pauses in our day, practicing mindfulness is the key to recover and effectively combat stress.
The story here is about meditation for those with no desire to become monks. Office workers didn’t want to practice meditation for ten minutes during the work day. Not even five. Or one. But they thought a 30 second breathing exercise was acceptable. Results were as expected, similar boosts in performance, decreased stress, and an overall higher sense of well-being was reported.
Meditation doesn’t have to mean you lose an hour of your time. Even people who meditate for short periods of time can receive the exact same benefits as people who practice longform meditation.
That blew my mind. The key was consistency.
So long as people were able to integrate simple meditation strategies into their routines, they were reaping the benefits.
Intellectual
This one’s my favorite. Curiosity might’ve killed the cat, but it does wonders for the human mind. Here, the argument is to explore your curiosity as often as possible, and as deeply as possible. We can doom-scroll Twitter threads on “productive” topics, but if we aren’t engaging on the material on a deeper level, it doesn’t matter.
The material in question doesn’t have to be text. It could be art, in every form. In this video, Ben-Shahar even says something like going out for a walk could be enough.
Relational
One of the interesting features of this book is that it was written during the pandemic. Relational well-being is how well you can bond with those in your social circle. You don’t even have to be in the same room, so long as you’re able to share experiences and communicate effectively.
Give to those around you. Often, and in many forms. Happier notes that people’s base happiness levels are actually higher when they are told to spend money for their friends rather than for themselves. Growing up, I had an aunt who was a very passionate gift giver. She had her own things, but seemed to be constantly giving things to family and friends.
Now, as an adult, I can relate. I’ve given away books to my friends over the years, and feel a deep satisfaction knowing that they’ll benefit greatly from reading what I’ve gifted them.
Emotional
Emotional well-being is accepting everything as it comes, being aware that every emotion is temporary and that to dismiss emotions means to delay a more intense version of that emotion later on.
The solution here is to be mindful of what you’re experiencing, and to be grateful for those emotions. Like Ben-Shahar says in this video, if you can feel highs and lows, then you’re human.
Looking Around Never Felt Brighter
I really think these five lenses for processing your life can be really beneficial when you’re trying to figure out how to better yourself. Throughout the book, there are also little check-ins where you’re supposed to answer questions about your own well-being, anywhere from S to E.
The best part about this book is that it doesn’t advocate for being happy all the time. Highs and lows will continue to exist, but being aware of the processes that indirectly lead to happiness means that happiness is only a simple habit or two away.
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