Smillew’s Horse Stall Mat Challenge

The Profit Sharing Program at Antonio’s Pizzeria Needs a Good Bit of Work

People tend to notice when your generosity only lasts a month

It’s no secret that ghosts are good for business. Shortly after Christian D. Richardson was executed for murder, rumors began to circulate that he was haunting Antonio’s Pizzeria. He wasn’t. He was actually haunting Antonio — a.k.a. Coach Tony — and not the establishment, but there was no practical distinction between the two.

As a former employee of Antonio’s Pizzeria, Richardson had never faltered in his assertion that Antonio had actually perpetrated the murder. Antonio most certainly had perpetrated the murder, but he set Richardson up so thoroughly, that his guilt never came to light.

Once in the spiritual realm, Richardson had planned to exact revenge by making Tony’s life a living hell. But just as he had in life, Tony outsmarted Richardson and used the haunting rumors to his advantage.

He started doing all sorts of ghost-related advertising and even expanded his business to include overnight room rentals on the second floor. The bedroom areas had previously been used for storage, but Tony had them outfitted as haunted hotel rooms, and since there was never a shortage of adventurous ghost fans, they were almost always booked solid.

Richardson watched helplessly as Antonio’s business grew more profitable by the day — knowing full well that he had been the catalyst for Tony’s fortune. The servers were making more money in tips, but they were also terribly overworked, and feeling increasingly burned out and taken advantage of.

You see, Tony liked to keep his staff to a minimum because he didn’t like dealing with a large payroll, so he devised a plan to appease his loyal workers. His plan was to introduce profit sharing.

The staff was delighted! Profit sharing was rolled out in August, and his employees were happier than he’d ever seen them!

Everything was going great. Coach Tony’s employees, whom he certainly couldn’t run the pizza parlor without, felt appreciated and grateful. Their fabulous attitude led to happier customers and even higher sales.

As Tony drove to a meeting with his accountant in early September, he was certain the previous month of August was sure to be a record-breaker. His accountant’s name was Buster, and Buster informed him that Antonio’s had indeed had its highest-grossing month in August, but it was hardly the most profitable. He explained that a good chunk of change was being eaten up by the new profit-sharing program, and Buster suggested he dial the percentage down — way down.

Lowering the profit-sharing percentage sounded like a great plan. If Tony didn’t lower it, he wouldn’t be able to afford new horse stall mats for the kitchen floors. Some of the old ones were terribly stained and worn. None of his staff knew this, but the one by the bathroom was stained with his shit. He had been at the restaurant after hours for inventory and wasn’t feeling well. He knew he needed the toilet, but he was trying to finish counting the glassware before he went.

Eventually realizing it was time to run for the bathroom, Tony dropped his clipboard and sprinted toward the men’s room. Just as he was reaching for the bathroom door, his ass exploded, and diarrhea ran out of his trouser legs and onto the horse stall mat. After he cleaned himself up, he dragged the mat out back and hosed it off as best as he could, but his secret diarrhea stain would always be visible.

Yep, Tony was convinced. Dialing the percentage down sounded like a great idea. Surely his employees wouldn’t notice. After all, they weren’t the smartest bunch. A smarter bunch would have better jobs, and wouldn’t get so excited about the crumbs he was throwing.

Here is the challenge post from Smillew Rahcuef.

My original entry.

A clever entry by Debdutta Pal.

Just in case my barely veiled disappointment wasn’t obvious enough, here’s a story by Carlo Zeno that really spells things out.