The Privilege of “Being Free” to “Do as We Please” Is Self-Destructive

Are we paying the price of freedom?

My nineteen-year-old daughter taught me a lesson of a lifetime and I couldn’t be more proud of her. Watching her grow up without a father figure has been a rewarding experience.

Last night our mother-daughter talk showed me that I can now retire from parenting and trust she would make responsible decisions about her life and future.

As parents, we want to shield our children from the harsh realities of this world. But as our children rebel — exercising their “free rights,“ we feel helpless.

“Mom, we don’t have free rights,” she said. “If everyone were to act freely as they please, the world would be in chaos.”

My daughter has a habit of putting others needs before hers. And sometimes, I get mad at her for doing so. One time she failed her physics test because she didn’t submit one of her assignments. She had borrowed a friend her assignment to copy and the friend was supposed to submit her assignment when she submitted hers, but she didn’t.

I reprimanded her. Warned her to never put her career in line for anyone. Did she listen? No!

Whenever I try to encourage my daughter that selfishness is not a crime as long as you are not hurting someone, she refutes me.

“If what you do only benefits you, then that doesn’t foster unity,” my daughter would remind me. I know she got her values from me, but this one can’t be me. No matter how much I try to change her attitude towards selfishness, she reminds me that I can’t change who she is.

Damn free will! Or free speech so to speak.

It’s her life and I ought to respect her for that. Well, she got my stubbornness for sure and she’s self-willed too. But she’s right about “free will.” Our selfish attitude threatens our peaceful coexistence with others.

Some time ago, I had an interesting conversation with a human rights activist on how the “is my right, my choice” mindset is destroying our humanity.

Whether is taking too much space at the parking lot or keeping others waiting in line as you take your time peeing in public bathrooms, our self-interest makes people hate us.

“None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We believe people can be held responsible for their actions, and indeed that we are in control of ourselves. However, our actions can be influenced or biased by various unconscious processes.

For example one can stab a friend out of anger, a drunk man can run someone over, and a parent can rape their child under the influence of alcohol, hard drugs, or testosterone spike.

Though the consequences of these actions are severe, it doesn’t negate the fact these people did not act based on their free will. The belief that we have the capability to choose good or evil is indoctrinated by religion.

However, studies have shown that humans have a will, but it’s not free. We have emotions which interfere with our decisions. If we cannot decide whether we are gay or straight, whether we are introverts or extroverts, then our free will is limited to certain conditions.

Our “free will” comes with a price.

We define free will as the right to do as one wants. We should know that most of what we want are decisions made by a selective member of society i.e, social norms and culture. While I was discussing with my daughter, I realized that my perception of selfishness was influenced by past experiences of betrayal and ungratefulness.

Like her friend who forgot to submit her assignment, my daughter did not allow the ingratitude to stop her from being selfless in helping others. Had I been the one, I wouldn’t be so kind to help anyone if it jeopardizes my goals.

When we allow what society says, what our parents choose for us, and use past experiences as a reason to hold back from what our heart truly desires we become “hopelessly enslaved” as Johann Goethe described.

Because we are unaware that we deny ourselves “free will,” we are worse than the Southern slaves. At least slaves are psychologically and physically aware that they are enslaved to their masters, but we act freely based on someone else’s opinion instead of our own true intentions.

Our decision to be a mother or childfree, to marry or be unmarried, to be monogamous or polyamorous all comes from an enslaved mindset influenced by fear, love, greed, envy, or/and anger. If there were no fear of loss, no pregnancy trauma, and no expectations from family and society, most people would choose a different path in life aimed at satisfying their true desires.

Although we can control our emotions and desires to an extent, we do not have liberal control over when they manifest.

Suffice it to say Will is an imperative power of the mind which is influenced by passion. We can choose what we eat, who we marry, and what career to pursue. However, these choices are determined by our biology — genes, gender, family background, culture, religion, etc. Which we have no control over. Hence, our will is deterred by uncontrollable factors.

The government can constrain our will as we see in the abortion law. Banning abortion has influenced women’s ‘will to act freely on whether to have children or not, be married or remain spinsters. Abortion law has also influenced men’s ‘will’ to be fathers because their fertility is now controlled by women’s decisions over their bodies.

In other words, we do not have free will since our actions are determined by external materials. When you decide to buy an orange instead of an apple, that’s “free action,” and your decision is determined by your taste, level of intelligence, temperament, and circumstances surrounding the event.

However, self-control makes free will possible. Our human ability to discipline ourselves can irrefutably make us responsible for our actions. Hence, in order to say we have “free will” we must have self-control and accountability in every action.

If that is the case, then a drunk driver who runs someone must be blamed for getting drunk in the first place and an addict wasting their life and endangering the lives of others should also be held responsible for abusing drugs.

Although we can have control over our behaviors, some of our desires are so strong to resist that they become motivating factors in how we act. Just like addicts fight the urge for drugs, we are helpless in certain situations and act against our better judgment. And this is where “free will” is deemed destructive.

The decision to act on uncontrollable desires has selfish tendencies which defy our “rights“ to “free will.”

Does “free will” make us happy?

“If you follow your selfish desires, you will harvest destruction.”

Selfishness tends to push people away. It is one of the least appealing consequences of free will. Selfishness may make it easier for us to fall into traps like addiction.

Our selfishness can make us hurt others as we ruthlessly strive to satisfy our own needs. Being selfless can damage our reputation and lead to loneliness. It destroys us from the inside and then spreads to our environments.

True freedom requires more than just “one doing what they want to do the most.” When we speak of true “free will” it requires genuine choice.

One of the factors in reducing the impact of selfishness is to practice kindness. Being kind to ourselves increases our ability to deal with any situation — we become more resilient.

If we are genuinely kind to ourselves, it will not be possible to get into addiction — or be obsessed about something to the point we lose self-control.

It was after my conversation with my daughter that I finally realized the impact of my selfishness and how my attitude towards “free will” has led to many heartbreaks and disappointments in the past.

Until you take a closer look into your life, you won’t know how your perception ruins everything you touch. We must realize our freedom comes with a price if we are to save what’s left of our humanity.

Thank you for reading. Check out more of my relationship stories. You may consider subscribing for unlimited access to more stories like this.