Politics | Current Events | Satire

The President Is a Sensitive Man

He Only Acts Like a Ruffian for the Ratings

Few people know just how sensitive he is. Last night at the White House, he streamed the Met’s 2015 production of Alban Berg’s Lulu on the big IMAX screen left over from the Republican National Convention. It was a beautiful thing. The kind of opera only a very sensitive genius could appreciate. Even though there’s not a single hummable tune in the whole thing, the president got it.

He really identified with Lulu, who was completely misunderstood by the men in her life. The master of ceremonies described her as a serpent, and the president hated him for that. After all, he’d been called a snake too. He tried to discount attacks like this, especially when they came from libtards who’d been trying to manage a coup ever since his election. It’s a free speech thing, apparently, but it hurt him to the core. He tries not to show it in public, but the president is a sensitive man. He feels everything deeply. Very deeply.

It hurts him deeply that 180 thousand Americans have died of COV19–19. But like most Republicans, he’s sensitive enough to understand that this number is acceptable. Because most of the people dying are not white.

It’s not his fault that the majority of those who bite the dust are losers with underlying conditions. It’s not his fault that most of them are Black or Latinx. Not his fault that these losers live too close together to practice social distancing. That most of them have poor health care. Or work in essential jobs that require exposing themselves to coronavirus in order to survive.

None of these things are his fault

People think he can do something about it just because he’s the most powerful man in the world. But they don’t understand that using the power of the federal government to address the pandemic would be surrender. It would make him the same as New Deal, Great Society Democrats like FDR or LBJ. They don’t understand that he was sent to Washington to dismantle the bureaucracy, not add to it. The president is a sensitive man.

Take that time a few years ago when that black football player invited the president’s children to visit Disneyland with his own family. This was before the president became president. He was just a big-time skyscraper man in New York then. A true sign of greatness. And a very busy man he was, too. It took lots of time and energy to get those washing machines installed at the Atlantic City casino. But he had to do it. So much filthy lucre in there.

Everyone knows the man is a germaphobe

He’s so sensitive he can spot bacteria from thousands of miles away. That’s why he’s so tough on Jyna. Because the COVID thing started over there. The president knew it from day one. Could practically smell it from as far away as the Oval Office. It was a terrible thing what they did. No doubt it was part of a massive plot to make him look bad. But he showed them. It hurt a lot to shut down the borders to most (but not all) travel from Jyna. But you gotta do what you gotta do. The president is a sensitive man.

Anyway, the black football player wanted to take the president’s children to Disneyland. And being the least racist person in the world, of course the president said yes. But at the last minute, he asked the football player if he could join them. Well, the football player was really moved by this. He is another sensitive man even though he’s a jock. The sight of the future president riding a roller coaster while wearing a business suit brought the football player to tears. Still makes him cry every time he thinks of it. You gotta love a man with that kind of class. The president is a sensitive man.

The president tries to ignore people who pull a Mr. T. on the football player, saying things like, I pity the fool. He closes his ears to the gossip. It’s not true that he got to thinking about his Barbie doll daughter and how good it felt to have her sitting on his lap. How he’d definitely try to date her if she weren’t his daughter.

It’s not true that he shouted, Oh hell no! when his mind projected an image of his little girl riding a roller coaster with that big black footballer. And maybe sitting on his lap or falling over into his arms. It’s not true that the president got sick to his stomach. Not true that that’s why he invited himself to Disneyland. So he could chaperone. That’s nothing but nasty gossip.

Just like all that nasty chatter about his friendship with Epstein. Hell, the president barely knew the man. But isn’t it a shame about Ghislaine? He really hopes she’ll be alright. Because he knows how difficult it must be for her. His comments from the White House wishing her well were not code. He was not sending a signal for her to keep her mouth shut and be a good girl because he intended to pardon her in the end. That’s just more gossip from cynics trying to stage a coup.

But the president understands his critics and cares for them too

After all, he is the president of all the people. The man is a saint. Nobody knows how sensitive he is. Nobody knows but Jesus and the True Believers.

Because that’s what it means to have faith. You have to believe even when every fiber of your intellect, every strand of reason argues to the contrary. You have to believe that it’s alright to ignore or undermine the Constitution in order to get the America you want.

You have to ignore the evidence of your eyes and ears and say Thank you, Jesus, for a right-leaning judiciary. Thank you, Jesus, for the tax cut that will bankrupt the country. Thank you, Jesus, for the slow dismantling of the Affordable Care Act. And for people who believe he will come up with something better just as soon as Obamacare is dead. And whatever that something turns out to be, it will protect everyone with pre-existing conditions.

Thank you, Jesus, for protecting our borders and keeping America white even if it means putting children in cages. Thank you, Jesus, for crippling the Environmental Protection Agency and the Consumer Protection Agency so the stock market will soar and everyone except losers can make more money.

Thank you, Jesus, for these and all our conservative gifts. Thank you for putting such a sensitive man in the White House. And oh yes — thank you, Jesus, for the pool boy.

Originally published at https://www.jazprose.com on September 4, 2020.