The present workplace sexual abuse crisis: How did we get here?

Childhood sexual abuse has been missing from the current “Me Too” conversation. Today we are going to change that.

The current workplace sexual abuse crisis may be yet another devastating effect of childhood sexual abuse.

Recent revelations by scores of women on the abuses they experienced at the hands of men in positions of authority have left many women questioning if the inappropriate relationship they had with a boss at their first real career opportunity was, in fact, an abuse of power by someone who had authority over them, or a personal lapse in moral judgment.

Who owns the responsibility? The answer is not as black and white as you may think.

Most of us would readily accept that a child in her primary school years was a victim of abuse when a teenaged boy or an adult groomed her. As a trusting and innocent child, she was manipulated in private, and then taken advantage of in secret. We would rightly say, “That child did not, and could not, have allowed it.” That’s correct: A child does not have the knowledge, maturity or authority to provide consent to do things she doesn’t fully understand. The child was not responsible for what happened to her.

As a woman ages, more and more responsibility and blame are placed on her for sexual advances made by men, regardless of the circumstances.

Many would accept that a teenager who is seduced by an older man was also a victim of abuse. Some, however, might argue that the child was already developing into her adult body and this could have misled a man into thinking she was older than she was. Still, others may question what that child was doing, saying or wearing when the abuse took place before making a judgment of who owns the responsibility. Perhaps her clothes did make her appear older, and it could be that she was a flirtatious young girl wearing too much makeup for her age. Nonetheless, a teenager has not yet developed sufficient knowledge and maturity to discern the seriousness and potential consequences of the situation, given her inexperience. The adult is still responsible, and his pursuit of a young girl for a romantic relationship is immoral and illegal.

If you are unsure, consider this: A child from a very young age wants to do, say and look like the older women she admires. Most of us with young daughters can attest to this. My young daughters started wearing my high heels around the house pretty much as soon as they could walk. They enjoyed putting on my clothes and even getting into my makeup. They were playing dress up. It’s easier for us to understand this, given their ages. Sadly, when it comes to a teenage girl, more focus is placed on what she did to invite in the abuse.

Things get even more ambiguous with age.

For example, when a young woman is shown special attention in the workplace by a powerful man, and she remains silent — she may feel flattered and recognize the potential for her response to harm or advance her career — and perhaps she makes the wrong choice. She may have chosen to allow and even engage in whatever degree of inappropriateness took place. It is possible she also benefited from a career opportunity as a result. At this point, society squarely shifts the blame to her almost without questioning. People will argue: “She was a consenting adult.”

Let’s stop and consider the flip side for a moment. It could also be that the young woman (with little-to-no authority) felt pressured or even fearful of what the consequences could be if she spoke up about the way her boss (in a position of power) was treating her. This could have led her to ignore and avoid the discomfort but remain silent knowing that this man could make or break her career. He is solely responsible for what we know as sexual harassment.

Many will argue, “She should have spoken up!”

Let’s explore this further: Let’s say this woman is not yet within the organization but interested in a job opportunity, and she senses the man on the other side of the table is showing interest in more than her professional abilities. If that woman chooses to speak up about her discomfort, without a doubt, she would be passed up for the opportunity. It would be evident to any hiring manager that she presents a liability for the organization; this is unfair. Indeed, it is him who places the organization at risk. Either way, she loses out on a good career opportunity.

Likewise, if the woman is already in her role and she chooses to take her concerns to the human resources department, it’s likely she would be reassigned, or even pushed slowly and strategically out of the organization — while her flirtatious boss gets a gentle slap on the wrist (maybe) and nothing else.

In response, this woman would be made to feel unimportant and powerless. Going forward, it’s likely she will not speak up in similar circumstances because she now knows she would be the one punished for it. Further, regardless of her course of action, the whole thing could stain her reputation and follow her throughout her career. I saw this happening within the large bureaucracies in which I worked.

So, who owns the responsibility?

You may be inclined to say, “Each situation should be considered on a case-by-case basis.” But should it?

Consider the obvious power differential. All of these scenarios have one thing in common: Each time the woman is at a power disadvantage, and it is the woman who loses out, regardless of her course of action.

I have been in almost every one of these situations.

I was sexually abused between the ages of five and ten years old by men I trusted. These men gained my trust, and within that trust, they had access to me and abused their position of authority. I didn’t know this then, but as a result, I learned incorrectly from a very young age that my worth and value were tied to my body. This is a lie, but decades passed before I evolved into this realization and connected the dots. The road to this realization was not an easy one.

When I was 14 years old, our youth pastor who was at the time 24 years old, became interested in me. He began calling me on the phone and started giving me more personal attention than the other youth in our group. I enjoyed it. It made me feel unique that such a smart and godly man was interested in me. One day on one of our long conversations over the phone, he asked me to run away with him to El Salvador. Thankfully, I had recently visited our country and knew that was not the life I wanted. I ended the friendship immediately.

Very early in my career, I had an inappropriate relationship with a boss. He was someone I admired and trusted. He mentored me, and I cared about him deeply, but he also complimented me and attempted to seduce me. I didn’t recognize this at the time, but he groomed me (just as I had been groomed when I was a child). He told me he was going to teach me everything he knew and help me get elected into a political office one day. I was young and naive, and when someone of such stature believed in me, I was mesmerized. The rumor went around that I had had an affair with this man. I did not; however, the relationship was inappropriate in that I allowed the advances, enjoyed them and benefitted from the relationship. I remained silent and the employment opportunity changed my life financially.

The choice I made had tremendous consequences in my professional life.

There were times I met people who addressed me with so much disdain right away. I would introduce myself, and they would say, “Oh — I know who you are.” I felt so much shame; my reputation was tarnished. This experience remained a dark cloud that followed me for years. I was only freed from it once I left that organization.

I didn’t know it then, but I can see it now: When a little girl learns early that affection = sexual touching, it becomes tough to say NO. NO isn’t even part of the conversation. I had lost my power and didn’t realize it.

Years later, I once again found myself in a position in which I was being noticed and complimented by someone in a managerial position. This man was a mid-level manager with a reputation for being a flirt. It was no secret that he often lingered hovering over the cubicle desks of attractive young women. It made us all very uncomfortable, and we often discussed it among each other during our lunch breaks.

I had experienced it as well, but wasn’t too concerned by it until he became my direct supervisor. As a result of an organizational shift, I was transferred to a field office closer to home. The proximity of this new location to my house was ideal. However, there were days when he and I were the only ones working in our small office, and my discomfort grew. I did not invite or enjoy the compliments I was getting, and I made it known. The environment became tense.

One day, while no one else was there, he openly commented on my physical appearance, and I decided I was not going to allow it. I had learned from my earlier experience years before. This time, I did not remain silent. I made the bold choice to tell my then supervisor. She made the statement that he was too smart to do such a thing and I felt forced to go above her and directly to our human resources department. My representative filed a written report and told me it would be investigated.

I was then asked what I hoped for by bringing it to their attention. I was shocked that I was asked such a question. I was unprepared for it. I expected it was they who would know and pursue the appropriate course of action. I requested a transfer to another division and building. It was granted, and things continued as usual for him. I knew going forward that saying something had labeled me as a problem employee. The organization was known to transfer problems to other divisions. He remained a manager, and his reputation and demeanor remain to this day.

Women begin experiencing abuse at a very young age and throughout our lives; at least until we find our voice and courage, and set up unshakeable boundaries.

Speaking up about the subtle and abusive behavior was uncomfortable but it raised up a shield of protection for me.

When I spoke up about the compliments I was receiving from my manager, I established myself as someone who was not to be toyed with. Using my voice in this way became a strong deterrent of abuse going forward.

This is what I learned from that experience: Men will hesitate to initiate any form of misconduct toward women if they think they will be exposed.

It was a tough lesson that took a long time for me to arrive at but that knowledge was worth the discomfort of those early workplace experiences. I now know how powerful my voice is.

To reiterate:

When a child is given male attention from a young age to gain access to and exploit her body, she adopts an incorrect association between affection and sexuality. Those of us with a history of childhood sexual abuse learned incorrectly that our worth is tied to our bodies and what we have to offer men physically. The lies we adopt from our abuse and the persistence of sexual harassment in the workplace go hand in hand.

This is a strong statement to be sure, but there is evidence all around us that our culture has reduced women to objects for male entertainment. Just look at the sexually explicit nature of much of the content in music, advertising, and television. The inappropriate association we’ve made between affection and sexualized relationships (as a result of our childhood abuse) coupled with our culture’s obsession with women as sexual objects inadvertently place women in a position of powerlessness in the workplace. We may know that advances by men in positions of authority are inappropriate and morally wrong, but may lack the self-confidence to say NO, and as a result, allow men to go further than we are comfortable.

Most women can related to at least some of the examples above. Non-violent forms of abuse can feel subtle. There is a part of us that tells us it is wrong but we don’t feel we have the power to stop them.

Also, we may not recognize it at first but these experiences plant shame deep within us and that shame can influence us later causing us to make bad choices. Again, the allowances we make are rooted in the lies we adopted about ourselves as a result of the abuse we experienced.

This does not in any way diminish the importance of us also being responsible for the choices we have made of our own free will. More on that later.

The spotlight has been placed on this pervasive issue affecting every rank of our workplace culture. As a society some are struggling to understand, while others seek to improve the problem systemically. I will address this in a future post.

Meanwhile, survivors (some who may not have been ready to address their personal pain) are faced with the challenge of being reminded almost daily of their own traumatic experiences with very little dialogue or direction given about the road to healing.

If this is your story, you may recognize now that the sexual abuse you experienced when you were a child affected you in more ways than you knew. You should also acknowledge that you were powerless as a child and that that powerlessness shaped how you responded to circumstances that presented themselves later in life.

As a child, you were powerless to discern, stop or consent to the sexual advances of the men who abused you. The gifts, attention, and affection you received may have been welcomed; you were a child. You did not know the love you were receiving was a conditional type of love meant to condition you to remain silent. Similar dynamics are at play in our adult lives. We don’t always question or speak out against this dynamic; we learned this behavior and powerlessness early on.

You should also know that the shame you have carried all these years for what you experienced when you were too young to provide consent — be it in your primary school or teenaged years — is not yours to carry. Place the responsibility for it where it rightfully belongs — in the hands of the person(s) who abused you.

If you are feeling guilty for choices you made later of your own free will: Guilt is a gift from God that helps us recognize that we’ve made a mistake. It is given to us for the purpose of bringing us back into right standing with Him. Lean into that feeling and allow it to serve its rightful purpose. He wants to cleanse you, forgive you, and free you of your guilty conscience. More on that here.

As an adult, you can take your power back by releasing responsibility for the evil choices of others, while taking responsibility for the guilt you feel for the decisions you made as a result. Be honest with yourself, confess it to God, ask Him for forgiveness, and choose to be different going forward. Stand firmly in your true identity. You were wonderfully made in the image of God. You are a princess in the eyes of your Creator, and you should be treated as such. Take back your power: Protect your body and heart by placing firm boundaries and standing in your worth.