The Powerful ‘4 to 1’ Exercise That Boosts Self-Esteem

A ridiculous yet effective tool used in therapy

Therapy makes it sound scary but, this isn’t going to be that intense. I just want to share an underrated practice that can work wonders for your life.

The story is simple.

In order to change your life, you have to change your habits. A bad habit that we all have is negative self-talk. Or talking crap about yourself, being hard on yourself, insults, etc.

Whatever you may call it- it’s self-sabotage and we all deserve better.

We all do this whether we realize it or not.

We are humans. It’s built-in to our society as a response to making mistakes.

Today, for example, I switched the shipping labels on two packages. That would cause 2 customers to get the wrong items and a lot of extra work for me. I have made that mistake before and it was a nightmare to fix.

That’s why I called myself an idiot. But with more curse words. The insulting comment didn’t help me in any way, but it’s automatic. The 4 to 1 reframe is designed to change that reflex. There are better ways to acknowledge a mistake I have made, and negative comments are not needed.

Insults are wrong even when you aim them at yourself

After a while, it sounds like they are having a pity party or fishing for compliments. It gets old when someone repeatedly says how dumb, stupid, lame, boring, pathetic, they are.

Come on, you’re not an idiot! Hey, you are not ugly! How could you call yourself a loser? Don’t be so hard on yourself. Blah blah

If you keep bashing yourself, people will start to agree with you. Repeating is how we memorize information. So if you call yourself fat or ugly enough times you will start to believe it. Others will, too. It’s science.

Quit brainwashing yourself. Use those powers for good, not evil.

Talk good about yourself and it will start to be the truth. You will believe yourself and the world will, too. See how simple that is?

Have some faith in your abilities. Positive thoughts create positive actions.

Allow me to introduce the “4 to 1” method of reframing your outlook

Your friend makes a mistake and then calls herself dumb for it. Once you hear her comment, tell her to say 4 nice things about herself. Acceptable answers include:

• Accomplishments- I got a promotion. I graduated. I helped so and so.
• Good qualities- I am brave. I am a hard worker. I am reliable.
• Physical qualities- but only 1, the other 3 have to be about their character, contributions to the world, etc. I am beautiful/handsome.

To say I have pretty hair is acceptable if that is what you like.

The best answers involve what type of person you are, not just on the surface, but inside. You be the judge on that, each person is different. A really superficial friend would easily say 4 things about his muscles or whatever. Ask him what he is proud of, beyond his abs.

It depends on that person’s level of self-esteem. A physical answer coming from your shy friend might be the best answer for this exercise.

Sarcastic answers of any type will require 4 more successful answers. Take this seriously and don’t let them get out of it. Even if it takes them a while to think of answers. Help them out with guided questions.

Do you like how generous you are? (Only works if they are generous, no sarcasm out of you either.)

What about work ethic? You are a very hard- worker.

Good friend, loyal, thoughtful, honest, motivated, good listener, adventurous, responsible, patient?

Whatever you do, don’t let them get out of this!

Yes, it’s silly, but- Nobody talks crap about my friend, (insert their name here.) Now you have bonus points for showing that you would stick up for them.

Reframing your words will become easier with practice

Structure your comments so that you are thinking of what makes you a good person. Dwelling on negative things just gives it more power.

This 4 to 1 reframing exercise is helping us take accountability and switch focus to what we like in ourselves.

Focus on the positive.

Work this idea into your conversations and thoughts it may be funny or feel ridiculous, you will learn a lot. You might discover something new about your friends. Or about yourself.

Have your friends hold you accountable for this as well. It’s harder to hold ourselves accountable, especially when nobody else is around. After some time of having to think of 4 new compliments for every 1 bad thing, it will start to do its job. It will hopefully stop you from even thinking negatively in the first place.

It’s uncommon for an insult to be helpful. Let’s get rid of them and let the good stuff spread like wildfire.

Try it out with traffic or anywhere insults are likely.

Test it out on that driver that just cut you off. When other drivers test my patience, I have some interesting things to shout, it’s in my nature, but the truth is, it makes me angrier.

That’s a big one for me to realize and admit. I work myself up and get heated, and that driver doesn’t face the consequences- but I do.

I need to let that go like hot coals in my hand, it’s only hurting me.

Ideally, I would rethink my swear words and insults and say this instead.

Ok, I hope that guy doesn’t cut anybody else off and makes it home safely. I’m glad I am safe. I am a good defensive driver. I pay attention and I am courteous. I am empathetic.

Easier said than done, but it is possible to achieve.

Fake it ’til you make it

Even if you don’t fully believe in what you are saying, you’ll get there. Remind yourself of your good qualities.

Rethinking what I say is a huge step in the right direction. The idea is to get some practice choosing healthier words for ourselves. A byproduct of this exercise is the shift in our thought process.

It won’t hurt to be nicer to ourselves.

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