The Power of Three Little Words
What it means to be seen
What does it mean to be seen?
If I could whisper three little words it would be, “I see you.” And if I could give you a peek inside my soul, you would see that those three words mean more than “I love you.”
You see, somewhere between the glare of expectation and the applause of approval, our soul loses its ability to see clearly. We layer it with mask after mask of who the world tells it to be, who the world gives it permission to be, and how the world expects it to be and we forget until we can no longer truly just be.
As I sit here typing, my mind drifts to how each interaction in my day draws out certain aspects of me. I’d like to think that I am the same person everywhere I go, but the truth is, I’m not.
The me that drops f-bombs in boisterous laughter when recounting a story to my husband is not the same me that graciously takes the call from the vice principal relaying my son was caught fighting at recess.
The me that “drops it like it’s hot,” in my kitchen while rump-shaking and pop-n-locking isn’t the same me that runs hot apple crisp over to my elderly neighbor.
The me that is able to quiet my soul and center into prayer and meditation is not the same me who screams at the top of her lungs when she’s absolutely had it with her teen’s mouth.
Yet, my husband knows all these sides of me and loves me still. He’s the one person who truly “sees” me in my totality. This, of course, got me thinking about the many sides of all of us and what it means to truly be seen.
When we first meet someone or first fall in love, we put our best foot forward. We want them to like all our good parts. We work hard to even shine and buff those parts. We put all the best angles of ourselves up on social media and slowly but surely, we create this persona of who we are to the world.
We might take pictures of us doing humanitarian things captioning it with some awe-inspiring quote, or snap pictures of ourselves with some super-intelligent book in the background, or my favorite — cuddling with an animal or doing some super parenting thing like…I don’t know…teaching our kids the value of growing a garden knowing damn well they only stayed to plant four or five seeds (long enough to take a picture to adorn your IG) and then run back inside to play on their device.
And for the most part, this is what the world sees — the shiny, polished version of us.
My husband and I are perfect examples of this. To the rest of the world we have and have always had “the perfect marriage.” In fact, we’ve had friends divorce because their marriage didn’t look like ours. So you can imagine the surprise when my friends and family read this next line. We almost divorced this time last year. You can read about that here.
I am not sure why things like that come as a surprise as inside each of us are the many different versions of ourselves we present to the world. The majority of us aren’t out to dupe anybody. In fact, most of the time, we aren’t even consciously aware we are even presenting anything. To us, we are just being ourselves. Yet, what we fail to realize is we’ve subconsciously attached expectations to our different relationships. And when we don’t live up to those attached expectations, we associate an element of shame, fear, or guilt in response.
When my husband and I almost divorced, we told very few people. Why? Honestly? Because it was nobody’s business. But also because we knew we were #marriagegoals, #relationshipgoals, #madlyinlove. We knew what people attached to our relationship as a couple and didn’t want to have to deal with the awkward dance of breaking everyone’s illusion of our “perfect marriage.” Let me be clear, it wasn’t so much about keeping appearances as it was about having to account to others as to why we didn’t live up to their expectations.
My dear friend, Galit Birk, PhD, posted this beautiful Haiku and is the reason why I began writing this piece.
She writes:
“I see you he said And her heart opened, letting Out her truest self.”
I’ve been pretty lucky because I’ve been with the same partner for my whole life. But in that short time I thought about being single I had to face the possibility that if I ever allowed myself to get close to someone else would they be able to love all the sides of me the world doesn’t see?
The me that sometimes snores (not often) if I’m super congested or absolutely exhausted (Ha! I laugh that I even felt the need to clarify that. I mean, honestly, who freaking cares?!!! Snoring is snoring). The me that digs in my nose to get that annoying boogie. The me that has Crohn’s disease and has to rush to the bathroom. The me whose farts don’t always smell like roses (sorry to disappoint…lol) The me that gains weight but hides it well with oversized sweatshirts. The me that sighs deeply and can kill you with a dirty look. The me that curses the dogs for having to go to the bathroom when I just want to sit and drink my coffee in peace. The me that isn’t always the perfect mom or wife or the me that gets stressed out when money is tight and something else breaks.
Who else would actually be able to love all these me’s?
I imagine my first date would’ve looked like Chunk from The Goonies in his confession scene with me spilling my guts about every possible thing wrong with me. Broken relationships tend to bring out insecurities and I tend to overexplain. I’m pretty sure I would’ve been single for a looooonnnngggg time. 😉🤣
And yet, somebody did manage to love all those me’s. And the truth is, all those “me’s” that exist within you are lovable too. You…me…us, we all put on masks we feel like we need to wear in order to live up to whatever expectation attached itself to us somewhere along the way.
What it means to be seen — from my heart to yours~
To be seen is to be accepted for all that exists within you, not just the shiny parts.
To say I see you is to reflect back to you, you. It means I hold space with you without expectation, without attachment, without judgment, and allow you to be. But in order for you to be you, you must feel safe to do so. It means recognizing the grace that sits before you and allowing yourself to feel vulnerable enough to begin the process of taking off your masks.
My grace becomes a shield that protects you from those who have yet to learn to love with compassion, kindness, and selflessness. I hold your heart with care and stay present with you in your nakedness as our hearts connect in sacredness. To see you is to love you, for what is greater than knowing you can reveal everything and still be considered no less than when you first began?
Together, we will learn how to unite our vulnerability into acts of bravery as we face the world with less and less superficiality until we are fully ourselves. And when our worst fears rise to the surface and shame and doubt make us want to reach for our old defenses we’ll remind each other, “I see you,” and in doing so, courage will arise in its place.
But this vulnerability thing, it’s not so easy and I understand, I do — for my heart was once caged and broken too. And I vowed, just like you, to never hurt again, and secretly what I was saying was, “I’ll never let anyone in.” But just as unforgiveness is a beast that hurts within, so too, is unwillingness for it closes the heart’s gates, refusing to ever open.
The mind will say, “They’re just like all the rest,” and so, true to expectation, the first time I fail you, you will build a wall to keep me out too. But I want you to know, “I still see you.” And I promise to continue to see you as best as you allow me to. For love, it is patient, it sits beside you through the storm, and it recognizes your pain as its own. But trust me when I say, I am human. I make mistakes.
I cannot guarantee that, at times, our hearts won’t break, but to remember that perfection is impossible and that I can and will make mistakes. But if you would just take a moment to remember to see me as I saw you then you would know that it’s okay for you to make mistakes too. And in our honesty, in our vulnerability, if we look upon one another with fresh eyes, we will see this present moment as a fresh start and leave what’s in the past far behind.
To say, “I see you,” is the ultimate form of love because it accepts you as you are and honestly, there’s nothing more beautiful than that.
Like a rose, whose beauty is unmatched, we grow to love her thorns that are equally attached. For without thorns, she wouldn’t fully be and it’s in her totality that we fully see. How beautiful to not have to hide those thorns we hold and compress inside — to release ourselves of their prick each time we are inauthentic.
I embrace you, thorns and all, and honor you as I honor myself. In this garden of life, l invite you to open your heart’s gate and see with fresh eyes what happens when you allow yourself to be seen and open yourself to being, truly being, set free.
How different would life be if we were able to truly feel seen?
We all have thorns that exist inside us that we don’t want others to see for fear of their reaction.
Remember that the next time someone shares a part of them they don’t show the world and hold it with grace, compassion, and love without conditions.
And in their vulnerability perhaps you’ll open yourself to being seen too.
