The Power Of Silence: Why True Listening Means Letting Go (And Listening With Your Heart)
Listening Requires Being Silent
“The first duty of love is to listen.” — Paul Tillich
How engaged are you in your relationships? Are you present within the relationship? I don’t mean physically present. I’m talking about being mentally and emotionally invested in the relationship.
To be devoted to a relationship means enduring its difficult periods if it runs into rough waters. I’m defining relationships here as all forms of human connections, whether intimate, friends, family, or work colleagues.
You might think: “Tony, I can’t be overly engaged with my boss because I would cross the line.” Allow me to explain. Being engaged and present means we bring our whole selves to our encounters with others.
For example, it is my experience that many people need to be more effective listeners. They listen to chime in once the other person is finished. They are not participating in communication, which is evident in their body language.
Contemplate this for a moment: Do you consider yourself a good listener? Do you listen intently to what others are saying, or do you skim over the surface of their words? A recent conversation inspired the theme of this article with a client who experienced communication challenges with her boss. She mentioned the difficulty of sustaining a mutual understanding with her boss because of his intolerance of what she has to say.
For instance, she recalled an experience that was met with indifference. The boss was confident he was listening to her by repeating “yep” throughout the conversation. From my client’s perspective, he was indifferent to the communication. Listening requires being silent until the other person finishes their dialogue.
You might even ask them: “Is there anything else you want to tell me about this?” In this manner, you create an open dialogue with the other party instead of pretending you are interested.
I know of a family member who continually interrupts me by asking questions while I am explaining a story. I find it troubling because I will tell them what they need to know within the story’s context if they actively listen. If I need to explain myself better, they can ask questions once I have finished. Do you agree with these sentiments? What is your experience with poor listeners?
Bring Your Authentic Self To Each Interaction
“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard — they must be felt with the heart.” — Helen Keller
Listening is one facet of how we engage in our relationships. Other ways include compassion, kindness, and creating an atmosphere of presence with the other person. So, if your significant other comes home and tells you about their problems at work, listen without prejudice rather than try to fix their problem.
Listen with an open mind and a compassionate heart, knowing they are coming to you because they feel safe sharing their vulnerabilities. Unless they ask for help, actively listen and give them the gift of your presence.
Sure, I understand. We want to fix the other person’s problem, but often, our advice may be unqualified or unnecessary. What it requires is empathy, presence, and non-judgment. Have you experienced this with your intimate relationships, where you wanted your partner to just listen to you?
Sometimes, it’s difficult, and we retaliate in anger because we don’t want someone to fix our problems; we want to be heard. Who said relationships were easy? They are not meant to be easy, but they are worth it, even when the other person pushes our pain buttons.
We experience growth at those times because it forces us to look into ourselves, even during conflicts. Being engaged and present in our relationships means fostering authentic communication. We let go of judgment and fixed ideas about what we think the other person is saying.
There is the opportunity to heal our childhood wounds when we listen openly because we allow our ego to take a back seat. This is the foundation of the transformational psychotherapy model IFS (Internal Family Systems), built on a relationship model.
Here’s the thing: The ego wants to be heard, while the heart prefers to listen. Listening is difficult because it involves silence and thoughtful reflection while the other person is talking. Moreover, not all problems need to be solved. When we try to solve other people’s problems, we diminish their ability to overcome their own challenges.
We disempower them and strip them of their identity. We should listen and ask encouraging questions so they arrive at the answers themselves. Do you see that being engaged and present in your relationships involves more than your physical presence?
It means bringing your authentic self to each interaction and letting go of judgment, blame, and anger. I’m not suggesting that it is simple, but if we consider why we are in the relationship in the first place, we can see past these disingenuous emotions and connect them with our core feelings.
With this in mind, I invite you to focus on a strained relationship in your life. It might be a co-worker, a friend, a family member, or a significant other. In the next seven days, agree to actively listen to what the other person is saying.
Listen intently to connect with their words and emotions instead of skimming over the surface of the communication. Try to get a sense of what they want you to know about the situation. Are they afraid? Are they feeling vulnerable? Or angry? If so, perhaps they need unconditional love. Are you willing to give it to them without saying a word?
Maybe they want you to see them through the eyes of love, even when they experience negative emotions. The ultimate test comes when we are engaged and present in all our relationships without needing to say a lot.
