The Power of Siblings

How Corey Hart and Kool & The Gang Helped Us Connect

As I watched my three children play with and around each other in our living room on a sleepy summer afternoon, I thought about the central role sibling relationships play in imprinting indelible aspects of our selves. These relationships, our earliest and most visceral, shape how we place ourselves in the world, both in the present and future.

On this occasion, my oldest was planning and attempting to execute an elaborate game that involved stacking all the couch cushions in the corner of our L-shaped couch. Meanwhile, his younger brother was attempting to foil his preparations by rearranging the cushions slightly, throwing them off balance so that the tower would topple over. Their interaction was quickly reaching the boiling point. And, through it all, their little sister was scampering and climbing all over the room, just trying to keep up.

This simple interaction was emblematic of my children’s everyday existence. The hierarchy in our family is clear. The oldest is often needled by his younger brother and held back by his little sister.

Next comes the middle child who is very much caught in the middle. He’s still young enough that he craves constant attention from his parents, but can get lost in the shuffle when his baby sister’s needs prevail. For example, much to our dismay, he consistently interrupts whenever we try to sneak away to get the baby down for a nap.

Finally, there is the baby whose early existence and relationship with the world will be filtered through the prism of her older brothers.

This last role, that of the baby, is the one I know well. However, our baby’s relationship with her siblings will be drastically different than mine.

As I watched my children playing that day, it struck me for the first time just how different all their childhoods will be from the one I experienced simply because of the age of their siblings. I am the baby of my family, but my three older siblings are much older. There is at least a half a generation between us.

So, while most people, my children included, grow up alongside their siblings, I grew up behind all mine. And when all your siblings are many years ahead of you, their presence has a profound and unique impact. They instantly become models to emulate rather than equals. And they also introduce you to aspects of culture that you would otherwise miss.

Marc Maron, the comedian and actor, often talks on his WTF podcast about the importance of having an older sibling to introduce you to things such as music. This is a common theme he explores with many of the artistic and musical guests. And while the older siblings of his guests often introduced them to underground music and the like — probably because they were weird — mine helped foster my passion for re-creating MTV music videos.

Specifically, I have a strong memory of donning a button-up shirt and sunglasses and walking around the house as Sunglasses at Night by Corey Hart played in the background. Of course, my sisters were required to watch my dramatic re-imagination of the classic video.

“Andrew, when you walk out of the room, we can’t see you,” they would say as I strutted my way down the hall, moving with the beat.

I’m not sure what they expected; Corey walks around a lot in the video (I think?). Staying in one room the whole time would have been plain silly. I have always been a stickler for accuracy in my dramatic work.

I pulled up the Sunglasses at Night video on YouTube recently to reminisce.

I was surprised to find that my re-enactment wasn’t as spot on as I had remembered. This came as a bit of a shock, but, to be fair, I was probably only three years old. Overall, my knowledge of pop music was very advanced for a preschooler.

Of course, having much older siblings did come with some drawbacks. Theoretically, not having playmates my age might have been one shortcoming, but that didn’t bother me too much. I was never a big fan of kids, even when I was one. However, my oldest sister moving away to college when I was only four was mildly traumatic.

In an attempt to ease the pain of separation, my mom chose Cherish, an iconic song by Kool & The Gang, as our song of remembrance for my sister. My sister was not dead, but considering she was living six hundred miles away in a time before cell phones or the internet, to me, I guess it wasn’t much different. She had effectively disappeared from our daily life.

Now, if you think I’m going to gloss right over my mom’s song selection without further comment, you don’t know me very well. In fact, I continued my research into 80s music videos in an attempt to get to the bottom of this confounding choice. And boy, I was not disappointed.

First, I didn’t exactly remember what song it was, so I had to Google “80s song with seagull sounds at the beginning.” That led me right to it. I clicked on the music video eagerly, ready to reminisce. I had a box of tissues handy just in case it dredged up any repressed memories.

What I discovered was glorious. It was better than opening presents on Christmas morning; even better than that one year I got a Nintendo.

It is immediately clear, if the lyrics weren’t clear enough, that Cherish is a romantic love song. So, odd choice for our circumstances, but you have to work with what is available. And while the video itself is rather standard 80s fare — beach scenes, everyone dressed in white, an eclectic wedding party, and a bonfire — there are a couple moments that stand out.

A young boy has two quick scenes that I don’t totally understand. First, he alerts the male lead that his girlfriend is arriving, perhaps emerging from the ocean like a mermaid with legs. It’s unclear who the boy is and why they were so surprised to see the girlfriend. Was she not invited to the wedding?

Later, the boy reappears during the wedding dinner. He is building a sandcastle away from the table and the male and female leads come over to him and gesture that he shouldn’t tell anyone that they were leaving. It’s not unreasonable to assume they were leaving to do it in secret on the beach, so alerting a small child seems more than a bit crass.

Finally, the video closes with a bird possibly drowning in the ocean and someone whisking away a white cloth from the sand to reveal the words “Cherish the Love.” The symbolism is clear. Don’t take anything for granted because you could easily be that drowning bird.

Anyway, I initially had my doubts about the appropriateness of the song for a four-year-old to remember his departed big sister, but I’ve changed my mind. It was perfect. Sure, it would have been even more perfect if my sister had passed away or was a romantic love I had lost, but still, Mom always did know best.

I am a bit sad that my kids will grow up without young, culturally-relevant, pseudo-parents to guide the development of their cultural awareness. On the plus side, however, they will hopefully form close bonds forged by shared childhood experiences. And those bonds won’t be prematurely broken by geographic distance or held together tenuously by Kool & The Gang love songs.

As they grow into adults, my children’s familial hierarchy will be less entrenched. Even as a father of three in my late thirties, I still feel like the baby of my family. And it will probably always be that way because my siblings will always be substantially ahead of me.

For my children, however, their relationships should be more fluid, allowing room for growth as they make their way toward adulthood. Although there is certain to be plenty of in-fighting and strife along the way, I’m excited to see where their sibling journey takes them.

And hey, at least when they re-create music videos, my children will have co-stars with whom they can share the spotlight. Because not everyone can pull off Sunglasses at Night on their own. That’s something I know better than anyone.