The Power of Self-Compassion

It’s a learnable skill to recognize your suffering.

Compassion compels us to look into our hearts, view our pain, and then refuse to pass on old wounds and traumas at the expense of ourselves and others.

In admiration of the magnetic nature of compassion, we are asked to have compassion for all beings, for we never know the pain and sorrows our brothers and sisters carry.

Ultimately, this courageous compassion urges us to also consider ourselves. Societal expectations lead us to reject the notion of self-compassion, and this is unfortunate because we can’t have compassion for others if we neglect to treat ourselves with the same understanding and kindness.

In order to prevail and persist in our demanding and distressing world, many of us have instead learned the art of self-criticism. We disparage and deprecate ourselves for not doing or being enough. But the truth is that this self-pity is antagonistic, and pits us as adversaries against ourselves and others.

Why not acknowledge the subtle necessity of self-compassion, care, and love in a worthwhile and fortuitous life?

To shift from self-criticism to self-compassion is a skill worth cultivating. By acknowledging our own hope-giving force, we render self-hatred pointless.

And yet, this always takes a consecrated effort, to lift ourselves up instead of cementing ourselves in this disparagement that is so prevalent in our world today.

We’re Not That Great at Practicing Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a worthwhile journey undertook with empathy, affection, and warmth.

Last year, I joined a workshop led by Gabrielle Bernstein, a proponent for self-compassion, non-judgment, and self-love.

We were asked to participate in a self-compassion exercise. Because I attended this event remotely, I tried it with my family. We were led to complete a loving-kindness reflection directed toward our partners in the exercise, which in my case, were my husband and children.

Although I did not know this exercise would have such profound effects, I opened my heart to compassion and understanding. I felt kind and loving thoughts toward those around me.

Then we were asked to reverse roles. I sat quietly, calm, ready to receive waves of compassion and love. But as I sat, I began to hear an internal harsh voice saying,

“You have so much to do that there isn’t time for this right now. You don’t need compassion; you need to work harder, get more contracts, and do something more.”

After the exercise, we were asked to reflect on how difficult it was to offer compassion toward ourselves. Almost everyone agreed that it was much more difficult to offer loving-kindness toward ourselves than to others.

Why is that?

Two Ideas to Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is far more complex than other forms of compassion because it insists upon creating something unusual in our minds, and the willingness to remain steadfast in our efforts, even in the face of disparagement. It requires hope.

When we give compassion to others, we feel goodwill, kindness, and a sense of connection in our shared humanity. And although it takes more effort, when we are compassionate toward ourselves, our loving care creates a safe space, devoid of judgment and shame. This is the place where we begin to forgive ourselves, and heal our wounds with kindness and caring.

1. Practice self-kindness

Most of us feel compassion when a close friend is struggling. What would it be like to receive the same caring attention from yourself when you needed it the most?

All that’s required is a shift in attention — recognizing that as a human being, you too are worthy of compassion. Practice being kind to yourself by envisioning yourself as a kind best friend.

Recall when a close friend felt bad about themselves or was troubled in some way. How did you respond to your friend in this situation? What advice did you give? Write down what you would normally do and say.

Rather than being harsh, it’s far more likely that you would hug your friend and offer compassion. We can learn to be kind to ourselves.

2. Use mindfulness to heal and soothe

Allow yourself to feel pain.

Notice it without judgment and just allow the pain, the feelings and the emotions to exist. Treat yourself compassionately while you experience all of it.

Self-compassion is about allowing your suffering to exist in a loving, kind way, without judgment or negative thoughts. We will always have pain, so it’s wise to process stored emotions in the healthiest way possible.

Mindfulness is the ability to go through life with luminous awareness and completely accept our experience. This allows us to tolerate pain without resistance, and use it to grow rather than hold us back.

After completing the two steps above, I was silent for a while. Then, as I stayed in place meditating about a perceived flaw, I felt a crashing wave of calmness come over me. For the first time in a very long time, I felt relaxed and peaceful.

I was okay with the dizzying spectrum of life, and I felt grateful.