The Power of Paradox
How we hold what we see as contradictions, influences us in a big way.
Sermon 7/10/2022
This past week, I attended the funeral of a woman I have known nearly my entire adult life. Her name is Judy. I raised some of my kids with her grandkids. She was an ever-present person in my life, doing all kinds of service for our large church family. She was very active in teaching positions and organizing the help people needed after babies were born, when people were sick, or when there was a death.
The intensity of her personality, for me, was a little off-putting. It was a little too much for me at times. But she got things done. And people had a hard time saying “no” to her. She was definitely a force to be reckoned with.
As a mother, I learned that she was a “my way or the highway” kind of parent. She loved in a way that was rough on her kids sometimes. She was very black and white when it came to rules. There was no nuancing, no conversations, no negotiations that I know of. I saw that same parenting style lived out in the next generation’s parenting as well.
I wonder sometimes about all of the ways we interact with people. How we love one person is not how we love another; how one person can feel loved by us and another feel completely dismissed; how we feel like we do a “good job” with some and completely fail others. This is what is so hard about loving people.
I have, over the years, considered God and God’s love in all of this. Why does one person need a metaphorical snuggle and another need a smack on the behind? And how is it that God is able to do all of those things and still be God…still be consistent and unchanging. It seems inconsistent and totally changing.
How do we, as adults, know when a child or person needs “tough love” instead of a hand to hold and all of the understanding and empathy we can muster? How do we know when to internally negotiate and when to “lay down the law”?
How do we hold two things in our hands that seem like they contradict…or do they contradict each other?
This quote from Brene Brown’s new book, Atlas of the Heart, says it so well:
“Carl Jung wrote, ‘Only the paradox comes anywhere near to comprehending the fullness of life.’ We are complex beings who wake up every day and fight against being labeled and diminished with stereotypes and characterizations that don’t reflect our fullness. Yet when we don’t risk standing on our own and speaking out, when the options laid before us force us into the very categories we resist, we perpetuate our own disconnections and loneliness.”
How do we, as humans, embrace all of the parts of ourselves? How did Jesus know how each us his followers needed to be loved? How did he know who needed chastening? How did he know which “sinner” needed to be forgiven so they could simply move on with their lives?
I LOVE the stories and examples of Jesus. That Jesus brought Zacchaeus down from the tree and sat and dined with “sinners.” That he spoke against the injustices of the current political and religious setting. That Jesus knew “who needed what.”
It could seem like there is inconsistency in his mannerism. And with my friend Judy, it could seem the same. She was intimidating to me. But my friend Sarah loved her. She spent all kinds of time at her house, sitting and talking about life and all its complexities. I love that for Sarah.
We see different sides of people. People saw different sides of Jesus. We show different sides of ourselves to people that we spend time with. Same as Jesus.
To the Pharisees and the Sadducees, and the puppets put in place to rule for the Romans at that time in Israel, Jesus was trouble. He was upsetting the status quo and telling people to think outside the box. He was telling them to think for themselves, not just blindly obey the ancient rules and law as they had been taught them. He was telling them to look at the teachings in a different way…a less black and white way. This was dangerous to the establishment of the religion of the Jewish people as well as the government of the Romans. Jesus was not trying to start a new religion but trying to evolve the one that he was part of. Side note: Judaism did change a lot after that time due to the societal pressures that followers of Jesus caused.
But it was very different for those who wanted to hear Jesus’ teachings. What they heard was that love was the primary commandment, over and over. Love for God. Love for Self. Love for Each Other. He taught that political and religious boundaries were not necessary; that love could supersede all boundaries. He taught people to serve each other and look past labels. In this way, Jesus was absolute “the way, the truth and the life”…if people… will just accept it. As I said before, Jesus wasn’t trying to start a new religion. He was looking to help people see the limitations that Judaism portrayed during that time period.
Judaism was causing people to fixate on the current interpretation of the law, thus denying the spirit of the law. There is so much more here than we could learn about Jesus and his times, but really what is most important is this:
We can see people in a black and white way. It is sometimes easier that way. What we see first, we often hold onto, thinking that we have seen enough to be able to judge. We judge in order to know that we are “safe,”…that we are welcome, or if we belong with these or those people. And sometimes we are wrong.
Context is everything. And being able to see that we are all living, walking paradoxes is important.
Just recently, I went to northern MI with my family. It is more of a reunion than a vacation, but this is as close to a vacation as I have ever gotten. We eat, hike, rest, play, and repeat for a week. I love watching my children with their cousins. I love spending time with my siblings.
This year, there were just three of us, siblings, present. Of course, there were spouses and all of the kids as well. We have 14 kids between us. The ones in college came home to be with us. Even my son, who is in the Army, got leave to be there. That is how important this time is to our kids. They LOVE their time with their cousins. They play so hard together and are so loud and crazy. It is amazing to see them all, almost all adults, loving each other.
This is a little personal, but I want to share it anyway. The man I am with right now is also a teacher at the HS. He knows one of my siblings through his work at the school. She and her husband have known him for years, and their interactions have been professional but not always agreeable. My sweet man had a certain kind of impression of my sister and her husband. He had seen what he had seen and made his judgment accordingly.
Things began to change as he came up and spent the week with us. He saw things he had not formerly seen. He saw my sister and brother-in-law interact with their kids in a way that changed his judgment and allowed for a more nuanced and generous kind of perspective.
At the end of the week, he briefly said how grateful he was to have experienced what he saw that week…and that he was glad he had been a little off on his judgment. He has told me how he enjoyed my family and really admired so much of what he saw happening there.
To hold the old judgment in our hands along with a newer, more informed one is difficult. How do we wrestle with it all?
I’ve noticed something about people this past decade. To make it really simplistic, I have recognized just a few kinds of people…not to put everyone in boxes, but…you’ll see.
There are people who have the information they want and have decided things. They are no longer really curious about the world or people but have decided that they know who they are and who others are in relationship to them….(and they are often not well informed). They know “enough to know” and act accordingly. They are not usually open to new ideas…and, worse than that, don’t usually care to hear about them.
There are people who have a lot of information but stay curious. They want to understand more, understand better, and figure things out. They are never quite satisfied with what they know. New ideas do not threaten them. They are excited and enlivened by them. These are people who hold paradox well. They understand the complexities of life and are not determined to decide on anything.
Holding a paradox or two seemingly opposing beliefs is difficult. As a child, I could not do so. Life was very black and white, right and wrong, good and evil. There was God, and there was Satan. There was only one way to be happy…and that way was to be good and follow all of the rules. I was taught to be like the Sadducees and Pharisees in so many ways.
Learning to nuance these, allowing for the “Yes, Ands” of life, is essential to understanding what life really is.
People are not all good or all bad. Experiences are not all good or all bad. I sometimes think about Laura (a dear woman in the congregation), her work at the retirement home, and the people who are there who have lived full and long lives. I think of how many of them have followed Christ their whole lives, doing their best…and what that “best” looks like.
They did their best in their childhood, youth, early life, marriages, and mid-life transitions into their later years. And their best shifted throughout their lives. Their ability to love themselves, others, and God deepened and became more profound….or it didn’t. It all depended upon their ability to hold paradox, to allow their perspectives and foci to shift as they age.
One could say that the gift of Jesus is the gift of wisdom…the wisdom of seeing the whole picture…or at least a more full picture of what is truly real.
Jesus never had any doubt as to who he was. Once he knew, he knew. He didn’t doubt his power, play small, or sell himself short. He wanted to live largely and authentically.
Following Christ is the journey of a lifetime. Being able to see our own growth and progress is so important. What I find right now is most important is not judging my own immaturity. Not looking back and judging my earlier self by the way I see my present self. We only know what we know.
Jesus was right when he taught love…fierce love as well as nurturing love. The full spectrum of love is so important. And being able to forgive ourselves for our past shortcomings and love ourselves enough to see our full potential is being able to hold it all. The ability to hold the joys and griefs of life at the same time is seeing the power of paradox in our lives.