The Power of Listening

Dads’ Survival Guide: Partnering — Our Relationships

Dads love being heroes.

Saving the day. For the kids. Our wives. Colleagues at work. And the greatest Dad superpower is problem-solving. Other people’s problems, mostly. Whatever bind or difficulty they get into. Dads put everything else aside. Dive right in. Roll up our sleeves. Take command. Then wrestle it through. Till a solution is found.

Wow. Awesome. Saving someone’s bacon. One more time. Whether they asked for our help or not.

And therein, lies the rub. Dads are so enamored with our problem-solving proficiency; we get ourselves tangled up in all sorts of situations. Unnecessarily. Distracting us from more important endeavors. Or worse. Trying to be heroic, when all that’s needed…is to listen.

Ask our wives.

Finding Solutions

Life’s full of problems. For everyone.

Things go awry. Unforeseen circumstances. Breakdowns. Mess-ups. Market forces. Competitive dynamics. Weather calamities. People problems. Requiring troubleshooting. Quick fixes. To get things back on track.

Since the beginning of time, and for the foreseeable future, problems emerge, requiring someone to find a solution.

So, might as well be us Dads. Because we’re good at it. That’s a fact. Dads are aces at solving problems. Puzzles. Dilemmas. Forcing us to think. Improvise. Tinker. Finding the root cause. Then craft something ingenious.

Truth is, dads prefer not to waste time dealing with root causes. Underlying origins. The source of the issue. We prefer to jump right to the resolution. That’s the heroic part. Coming up with snappy solutions. Then telling others how to fix their problems. Dads love that.

Except, too often these rushed solutions don’t solve the problem. They address a symptom. Provide a temporary fix. Short-term remedy. That won’t last.

Fact is, there’s a big difference between providing a solution and solving a problem.

Deliberate

“If I had an hour to solve a problem,” said Albert Einstein, “I’d spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.”

Wise counsel. Deliberate. Thoughtful. Judicious. And the exact opposite of a dad’s approach.

Dads are quick problem-solvers. Action-oriented. In a hurry. Everything’s urgent. An emergency. Hair on fire. Fire-Ready-Aim style. Anxious to render a solution and move on. So, we can be the hero for someone else.

Dads skimp on Einstein’s 55-minute discovery method. The thinking part, especially. We prefer 55 seconds. Maybe. Before we hatch a solution. That’s us. 55-second solution hatchers.

Except, effective problem solving is a process. Taking time. And thought. Problem solving is not a race. To finish first. Clack our pencils down. That’s just showing off. Which dads are prone to do.

Too often, we’re in such a rush for a solution, we don’t understand the problem.

Ask our wives.

Too Involved

Dads love to help. Give advice. Or counsel. Makes us feel valued. Esteemed. Respected. That’s me. I’m always eager to impart my profound wisdom. The Mighty Oracle of Problem Solutions. And because dads like me want to be helpful, we get involved in everything. Too involved. Especially at work.

In my practice, I see business leaders make this mistake all the time. Getting themselves knotted up where they are not needed. Trying to be helpful. Heroic. By solving everyone’s problems.

Consider one-on-ones with team members. Our opening line is often, “How can I help you?” Nice. Empathetic. Caring. And sure to engage senior leadership in unnecessary problem solving. Or decision-making. Entangled in troubles others can solve on their own. Decisions they should make by themselves.

This is a trap. A distraction. From our most impactful work. Leaders getting sucked into minor issues. Small stuff. Trivialities. Urgent but not important.

Which feels good to fix. Heroic. But not substantive.

Solve Our Own

Being the hero is great. Except us Dads are so busy fixing other people, there’s no time to fix ourselves.

Ask our wives.

Yep, our problems. Bad behavior. Harmful habits. Temptations. Addictions. Ongoing, recurring conduct which quick fixes can’t fix. Maybe we’re trying. With some success. And plenty of setbacks. Maybe we’ve just given up. Or it’s simply easier for us to ignore our problems rather than to face them. This is commonplace. Among dads. We’re not alone.

Perhaps it’s time for us dads to step back. Call time out. Take a breath from all our heroic solving of other people’s problems. And make a few adjustments.

Here are a couple of suggestions:

1. Start with our own problems. No matter how tough. If we’re struggling, engage other dads to help. One would be surprised how many dads are wrestling with the same issues.

2. Listen first. To our kids. And especially, our wives. They don’t need Dad showing off our solution-making skills. They need a willing ear. To be heard. Valued. And encouraged. So, be quick to listen.

3. Let others solve their own problems. Help them diagnose. Discover. Discern. And then, determine their own solution. They can do it. If dads let them.

4. Take time to understand. Spend more than 55 seconds uncovering root causes. Sources. Be disciplined. Patient. Seek input. Insights. Then, and only then, work on a solution.

Dads are ace problem-solvers. No doubt. And when we’re ace listeners, all the better. That’s heroic.

Ask our wives.

Go, dads. Go.