The Point of No Return

This is a response to MPP Social’s first Writing Prompt. 😃

What was the turning point in your life that brought you to where you are today?

First I want to qualify the part “where you are today” in terms of defining it as “who you think you are now” as subtly different to “where” in terms of comparing one’s social, financial, physical or spiritual self perceived today, with one’s perceptions of what these were “before”.

Who I think I am now (or where I might be today) — I am a 55 year old female living in Australia, with a mortgage and a partner, and a part-time job, who loves to read, write and help others.

I have many interests and abilities, and have for much of my life not believed in these, i.e. I have looked down upon myself, not liked myself much, and have felt neglected and misunderstood and traumatized, scared and depressed, and worried to the point that my physical health has been affected.

Today at the moment of writing this, I feel happier than I have ever been before in my adult years; and this is because of my Soul satisfaction from writing, and having my writing read and appreciated by others.

The point at which I got to the current Me, a being who is comfortable with herself, and with her happiness embracing not only the joy at being alive in a wonderful world of potential, is when I joined Medium on 9/11/2018 or 9th November 2018.

Writing, as we know, can be therapeutic, and it certainly was for me when I poured out my heart in my first Stories on Medium, which were about the sadness and trauma in my personal Life; and my herculean efforts to overcome them.

Because Medium is also a safe place for me to share my writing and because people actually read and appreciate my Stories on Medium, I slowly started to feel a lot better about myself.

It takes Two (or more) to tango

Years ago spiritual friends advised me that it was essential that I truly love myself and to do this I had to stop feeling guilty over things that I felt responsible for, but wasn’t.

With reflection, friendships, music, online help, books, free writing, other writing, blogging, joining in online forums, and other resources, slowly I began to not feel so awful about things that I did which I felt that I could have done better.

This was not easy for me as I tend toward perfectionism (being a quadruple Virgo i.e. with 4 planets in Virgo, and Virgos tend to pay attention to detail, to love information, be organised, and want perfection). 😺

Although I have been a WordPress blogger since 2012, it seems that the topics I cover on WordPress do not garner a lot of feedback.

Having my words, my Life and my experiences respected, appreciated, liked and absorbed by Medium readers has had a huge effect on me.

I understand that what one focus on grows, and have never felt revengeful for what I have been through, but also I did not, until recently, allow myself to feel in full, i.e. to release my feelings of sadness and loss about my past.

By reading about how others deal with or have dealt with trauma and hardships on Medium, and reflecting even more; I have come to the realization that it’s important to look at ALL of my feelings.

I then started to realize how much good I have done in this World, and other things about me, which I had pushed aside, like how brave I have been, and how versatile I am; and that I am “gifted” in many ways, like using words, as evidenced by my many personal blogs.

Also I am a leader at work, as evidenced by a colleague saying that when there is trouble at work I remain calm and logical, which helps her a lot. Others have also said that I know how to give real lasting support to individual people.

So “the teacher and the taught together create the teaching” or both my inner Self and the resources that I made use of have been in a partnership to get me to what I am now.

The feelings of guilt that I bore for more than 40 years began to fast dissipate from the beginning of 2018, and I know now that there are no traces left, because I now don’t feel overly responsible for everyone else. 😅

I attribute the start of my accomplishments on Medium as being the point of no return to those days when I beat myself up for being “human” and when I believed that I was stupid or inefficient or even a monster for somebody else feeling slighted or upset.

I stopped feeling insignificant when I found that people, via Medium, are actually aware that I am alive and a human being, with something to offer to others.

Even in my workplaces I have felt unacknowledged and under-appreciated, and sometimes I have walked a fine line between depression and purposelessness and wanting to continue.

Some Medium writers have especially helped me to choose living, with their perceptive words of support on my Stories or Social Media posts, and I am tagging those people here:

⭐ Ryan Justin ⭐ writes genuine encouraging and real-life support articles.

Jun Wu an amazing all-rounder woman whom has survived trauma, and is an inspiration to me because of her courage, energy, her motivation and her support of others.

Jessica Archuleta a power-house Spirit, being a Mum to many and an excellent writer with a range of wonderful experiences and knowledge to share.

Randy Shingler a poet beautiful in Soul and in person who has often written wonderfully encouraging Responses to my Stories.

Jason Weiland a guy who bares his heart on his sleeve, and has encouraged me to keep taking positive steps because his Journey has been largely an unforgettable tango with lasting Lessons of the human spirit, against the odds. Thank you 💚 Jason.

Michelle Monet a lovely refreshing writer with a unique and honest voice, who shares in different forms.

Michael Shook a self-help writer whose words are really powerful and have a lasting effect on me.

Keith Horton self-help Stories that keep me going, Keith always sees the positive in things.

Zach J. Payne another writer who shares how he overcame trauma and troubles, among other things.

Agnes Louis for her gentle and kind Spirit and for reading my Stories and encouraging me with comforting words.

Michael K. Spencer for all his energy in supporting members of the Medium Partner Program and for wanting all on Medium to succeed.

Tina Viju my very first supporter on Medium. Tina, I know you think that you didn’t do much, but thank you for reading & showing your appreciation of my first Stories on Medium. Without your support I may not have continued!

Hank Eng who has a gentle supportive spirit and whose support of my Medium Stories I really value. 😃

Athirah Syamimi for supporting me on her Publication, “Live your Life Network” and on social media.

Lucy King fellow Australian who reads and appreciates my Medium Stories.

Brian Brewington for his wonderful words of support and for asking me to be a writer for “Journal of Journeys.”

Stacy Brookman: Real Life Resilience who was instrumental in building up my confidence when I first started on Medium, by adding me as a writer on her Publication “Real Life Resilience” and supporting me since then.

Nicole Akers for supporting me by publishing my Stories on Publishous.

Disclaimer

This list is not exhaustive but contains those who immediately came to mind when writing this.

I appreciate all self-help and Life Lesson Stories on Medium, because even if the topic has been written about before, one writer’s Story is written from their angle, with their words, and the person who needs to read it may just do that.

So without any “fluff” or further ado, I can honestly say that the day that I joined Medium is the day that I became a happy guilt-free person, free or unencumbered to love herself. There would be no lasting return to the vagaries and stresses of my past.

Who I think I am now (or where I might be today) — I am a 55 year old female living in Australia, with a mortgage and a partner, and a part-time job, who loves to read, write and help others. I have been through inter country adoption, racism, sexism, sexual abuse, small-ism, and neglect, and other painful experiences, and have doubted myself and not loved myself for much of my Life.

I have always loved reading and writing, and my finding Medium and my writing and sharing on Medium has given me the confidence to write and share more; and has ignited my belief in myself.

Thank you to Medium Staff and to the great Medium writers and readers for supporting my journey! 💚 💛 😃

Thanks for reading. You may be interested in the following Story, which is cause for a big celebration for me personally! 😃 Yay!

About the Author

Celine Lai was born in Malaya and is the oldest inter-country adopted person in Australia. She loves reading and writing, and runs WordPress blogs and writes technical documents. She blogs mainly on Fascinating Animals.

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