The Perks of Being the Newcomer

Summary

The author reflects on the unique position of being the newcomer in her boyfriend's family, where long-standing relationships and perceptions offer an opportunity to challenge and evolve family dynamics through fresh perspectives and the belief in personal growth.

Abstract

The author, a newcomer to her boyfriend's family, discusses the perks of her position. She observes that family bonds are complex and can be fraught with past traumas and expectations. Her boyfriend and his siblings have decades-long relationships, which tend to fixate on past perceptions, particularly highlighted by her sister-in-law's experience with 'The Mom'. The author emphasizes the importance of forming current impressions rather than being influenced by historical views. She believes in the capacity for change and the value of giving people the chance to show their growth. By not being bound by the past, she has cultivated distinct relationships within the family and advocates for seeking the best in people, which can lead to more positive interactions and evolving relationships.

Opinions

The author values the ability to question established roles within her boyfriend's family, suggesting that these roles are not set in stone and can be re-evaluated.
She acknowledges the complexity of family dynamics, recognizing that everyone has their own internalized emotional trauma that influences their behavior.
The author is of the opinion that first impressions can be misleading and that people should be given the opportunity to change and grow beyond their past selves.
She believes that holding onto past grievances can perpetuate negative cycles in relationships, and it is important to allow for growth and grace.
The author practices empathy and understanding, choosing to look for the best in people rather than focusing on negative aspects, which she extends to her own difficult family relationships.
She suggests that by approaching interactions with the expectation of positive change, individuals can help foster better relationships and personal evolution within the family structure.

Questioning established roles and changing family dynamics

Everyone in my boyfriend’s family has been with their spouse for ages. We’re talking decades. Both he and his brother married young (BF was 22 when he met his ex-wife; his brother was 15 when he started dating the woman he married).

Family bonds are difficult. No matter how you’re raised, there will be turbulence and trauma at some point. Boyfriend’s upbringing was no different, and to this day, he has complicated feelings about his parents.

On the one hand, he wants the love and acceptance a parent is supposed to be able to give, and on the other, he wants to protect himself from the kind of hurt he suffered growing up.

His sister-in-law (SIL) was 15 when she started dating Boyfriend’s brother, and even a respectful teenager still has hormonal surges and moments of brattiness. She has her share of internalized emotional trauma at the hands of The Mom and warned me before I met The Mom about how The Mom would treat me. (Spoiler: so far, she’s been absolutely lovely to me.)

The hard part about relationships that span decades is that we tend to fixate on our perception of someone’s character at the moment that we meet them.

It is difficult to shake these first impressions. So if The Mom thought of her eldest son’s girlfriend as a sassy teen, that version of SIL would have been fixed in The Mom’s mind. Maybe forever, depending on how much room for growth and grace The Mom allows. And if SIL always responded to The Mom as if she expected The Mom to continue treating her the same way that she was treated when SIL was 15, that could have perpetuated the cycle.

When I first came on the scene as the newbie, it was like walking into a team environment where everyone knew the rules and had been playing the same roles in the game forever. But the advantage of being new meant that I could question things (gently). It meant that I could ask why people played certain roles and if that was open to adjustment. It meant that I could hear about others’ perceptions of everyone while not allowing that to color my perceptions. I could form fresh new opinions based on how people are today and not on how they were 25 or 30 years ago. This has allowed me to have different relationships with various family members than others have experienced.

I like to think that people can grow and change; that we are constantly evolving. I also recognize that when we feel deeply hurt by someone, it can be difficult to let go of that story.

What you seek is what you get: if you’re constantly searching for reasons to dislike someone, or be angry or upset, you’ll absolutely find them. If you’re looking for people to rise to their best selves (and able to acknowledge when they do), you’ll find that too.

I try to remind myself of this in regards to my difficult familial relationships as well. If I can grow and change and not be the same bratty teen that I’m sure I was once, they can soften and sweeten too. Our relationship doesn’t have to be stuck in the patterns we initially established.