The Perils of Self-Disclosure and Its Value

Six rules to follow about when and where to make the big reveal

Many people can’t say to people they know well what they want to say or might want to say. And so, they don’t say it but think it. Or feel it.

Below, I will present some guidance about when or if disclosures are appropriate.

These matters pertain to private or intimate disclosures, which people might feel humiliated by if disclosed. Or for which there might be financial penalties if announced.

For example, getting a parking ticket for no good reason or having sexual thoughts about someone that would be embarrassing to disclose. Or bringing up some past event that undermines one’s character or attitude.

These hidden, private thoughts, feelings, and judgments make up a private sphere that lives in various hideouts in the psyche, rarely becoming exposed. They are like residues kept in a secret place that mostly remains hidden.

I store many of these thoughts and feelings in a private journal, a written document on a computer. It is saved only for my use and perusal.

Occasionally, some of these contents see the light of day spilling out inadvertently; they are held and known so they can potentially become public even though safeguards exist.

These safeguards may fail. And when this happens, and the previously guarded contents become known, big explosions may occur.

I am thinking here of some recent events. I have a friend with whom I communicate regularly. He is a retired realtor, and he told me the following story.

When Disclosure Goes Awry

Early in his career selling residential real estate in Chicago, he kept a journal documenting some of his sales experiences. He did not share any of these notes, keeping them squirreled away from the prying eyes of his wife and children.

One day, some house guests from out of town were visiting; they got to discussing the business side of real estate, trading tips on how to generate more sales, the challenges of warming up marketing calls, and the use of scripts to optimize warm calls to sale appointments.

John, my informant, offered to read his guests’ selections from his journal relating to these issues. He especially wanted to share a shocking incident he had recorded involving a policewoman who stopped by one day on a Sunday at his Open House.

The selling agent had agreed not to divulge to the buyer that a violent murder had occurred at the property. In Illinois, the disclosure of this information must happen by law. But the agent was reluctant to divulge it since he knew many people would not like the stigma of such an event associated with their home.

The policewoman made a cash offer, but the agent neglected to tell her about the crime, fearing that such a disclosure would ruin the deal.

After the sale, the policewoman found out about the murder and sued the agent for failure to disclose. In the end, the agent was found guilty and left the business.

Discrediting information, in this case of a type that carries a potential financial cost, represents one type of cost of disclosure of confidential information that can arise in business dealings or other contexts as well.

Self-disclosure is problematic; it is hard to evaluate when it is permissible. If handled properly, it can strengthen relationships and instill trust.

But if you make inappropriate disclosures, it can have the opposite effect.

What Is Self-Disclosure?

Self-disclosure is about communicating information about yourself, whether intentionally or not. This information might be superficial, like your favorite magazine or restaurant. It also might be more profoundly personal, like your religious beliefs or significant events in your life.

Information about yourself may be communicated by ‘medallions of belief’; these are nonverbal signs such as clothing, jewelry, cars, living arrangements, group affiliation, etc. These are cues we give off that identify our social status, marital status, ethnicity, and other markers of our identity.

Research suggests that self-disclosure can be influential in forming strong business relationships or friendships in general.

Here are six ways to help you share and receive personal information appropriately. (This reference will provide more details. I am paraphrasing from this source.)

1. Wait and observe others. If you work in an unfamiliar environment, watch when and how your colleagues share.

2. While it’s good to use self-disclosure to improve connections and build trust, be sure you’re not doing it for other, less favorable reasons. Don’t share intimacies to elicit disclosures from someone else.

3. Choose your method. Avoid sharing complex or sensitive information with someone when that person is short of time or concentrating on something else.

4. Sharing too much too soon can be overwhelming. Don’t’ wait too long; that creates uncertainty and suspicion. Share gradually.

5. When friends or acquaintances share information, provide your full attention. Giving someone more time to handle what you have told them is okay. And always get permission to share their information with someone else.

6. Research shows that self-disclosure is most beneficial when it’s a two-way process. People form the strongest bonds when they open up to one another, so they’re both comfortable.

Summary

Be careful in handling private or intimate disclosures that people might feel humiliated by if disclosed. Six rules can guide you as to how and when to disclose appropriately. The critical takeaway: reveal only when the sharing can be done safely with no emotional or financial cost to you or anyone else.

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