The Peace That Heralds Love…

“Perhaps I should have named you Peace”…she’d never have stood for that.

“I am NO angel!” ~ Hanabi Roisín*

I returned home from an overnight trip to Denver, to find my friend Sofia holding Roshini up to the window, as I hauled my backpack out of the car. I had not wanted to leave the furry one, honoring our “you go where I go” pact and all, but she didn’t want to go along this time. I should have guessed something was up.

“She hasn’t wanted to walk, so I’ve carried her outside. She stays on the sofa. Her foot seems to be bothering her a lot.” Sofia gave her report, all in a rush.

What? She heals like a champ! Foreboding filled my chest, edging around the Peace that lives there. “What’s wrong, Shini-Luv? Let me look at your feet.”

“You’re home! What did you bring me?”

I gave her the treat I’d brought her, followed by a Chinese herbal supplement disguised in cheese, just in case of infection. Her feet looked fine except…

“Has she been licking? Her front pads look chafed.”

“Yes,” Sofia voiced her frustration. “I couldn’t get her to stop.”

“Sweetie…the vet will want to give you horrible steroids and things. Can we heal this?”

“Heal what? I’m fine.” As I thoroughly brushed her and wrapped her sore paws, I noticed that the little mole between her eyes I’d had removed last summer had grown back. Not too big but worth a look.

Let her go.

Please, no. She’s only seven. We have not been together long enough. We have a pact. After my stroke we promised. She promised. I promised! We’re in this together…

“Let me go!” she barked. Just once, using her outdoor voice.

A corner of my heart welled with pain. Not again! No more! I want what is best for you, little love. I want your evolution to be what is important. If you need to go, I understand. Goodness knows I’ve wanted to leave enough times. You belong to the Infinite, not to me. If you need to go I will honor that… please heal. Please, not now.

“Whuf!” she turned her head away from me, curled into a ball around her bandaged paws. I phoned our lovely alternative vet. Janet had an opening the next day. Oh, let it be nothing! Please…

***

The phone rang a few days later. It was the vet. That little mole should come off, and quickly. I made the appointment there and then.

It was a relief, really. I had been cleaning and bandaging Roshini’s feet for three weeks. Post-surgery her head was all stitched up, and her paws were neatly and professionally bandaged with the stretchy stuff that doesn’t come off, even with terrier determination.

“You have designer socks!” I teased her. The neoen green tape had puppy paws printed all over it.

“I’ll find a way,” she glared. “Take me home. And don’t you dare make me wear that plastic thing!”

The stitches came out a week later, bandages off on the same day. Healed. My girl was healed. We did it! The meditations, the sessions with her healers, the herbs, the intentions, the energy, they worked! My heart soared as we drove through the mountain pass and home.

For a week we took advantage of the Tao of New Snow. Ice crystals blew in our faces and decorated her fur during our walks to favorite places. Deep drifts she could pounce into and tunnel out from under became the further adventures of the intrepid Scottie princess. Treks through woods and meadows meant treeing any squirrel silly enough to get in her way. We even chased off a pack of local coyotes near the creek one morning. Our trail! Wait your turn!

We’re back! You and me, Princess! The rest of the incarnation is going to be wonderful! This spring we’re going to France! New smells, lovely grass for you, you’ll love it there!

Thursday night we went for a moonlit walk instead of her usual back garden outing before bed. She thought there were too many trees in the fenced area for the moon to shine properly on the snow.

Kicking off my boots and dropping my parka at the door, I grabbed the girl to clean the snow from her feet before she could leave puddles all over. She never saw the issue with snow. It’s wet. It’s clean. It dries. What’s your problem?

As I rubbed her feet, I noticed something.

“Are you chewing your feet again love? Is it the cold?”

“It’s nothing,” she shrugged it off, smiling her little, let’s cuddle, smile. “You’re tired. Let’s go to bed.” An odd luminosity trailed after her, like phosphorescence in a dark sea. Magical girl. I followed her, gladly, scooping her furriness into my arms.

The next day seemed normal until she vomited after dinner. She sat on my end of her sofa most of the day, looking out at the trees. Not unusual for deep winter. Today she was still, though. Nothing ruffled her inner landscape, not even the squirrels or visiting deer.

During the past weeks, I had scheduled a chat with our friend Sharon, just in case there were things Roshini wasn’t telling me. Sharon Callahan, of Anaflora, is a true angel in human form. Her inter-species communication skills are a true gift.

We talked about allowing Roshini to make her own decisions, to choose her path for herself even if it meant moving on. Sharon knew I meant it. We had been through this a few times by now. Sharon had been there for the transitions of my first two canine companions. She knew the fear of loss had been replaced by love.

Roshini knew exactly what was upsetting her body. “She says her electrical system and nervous system are all out of sync with her etheric body (energy body) and it is making her shake and itch and feel uncomfortable,” Sharon translated.

“I’m not surprised she knows…Roshini can you give that to Source? Can you relax into HER and let HER take the programs that are fighting each other?”

I heard the affirmative before Sharon answered. “She thinks she can do that and she’ll try it tonight. She still thinks she can do anything.”

We laughed. “Well, that has proven to be true…except for driving the car, though given time…”

“So are you okay?” Sharon asked softly. Sharon’s compassion is unconditional.

“I am,” I said, and meant it.

“Everything I love will be taken, stolen, be lost, leave me, or die.” It was a mental / emotional pathology imprinted in childhood. I no longer believed that. My body no longer held those programs.

Appreciation for my furry companion made my chest ache and my eyes run with liquid love.

I sent Sharon kisses and signed off.

That was Wednesday.

Friday night we snuggled against the cold together, Roshini and I, drifting into deep meditation/sleep in delicious oneness…for awhile.

At 5 a.m., I snapped into functional mode, writing emails to her groomer and vet, canceling appointments. I wrote to those who had known her best… Roshini loved them. She would want them to know. My neighbor would be up soon and come over from her flat to offer help. I had to have all of this finished. I had to take care of things before I fell apart. I wrote like an obsessed thing, there on the kitchen floor, next to what had become of my girl.

Roshini left her body an hour ago, at precisely 4 A.M.

24 January 2015

To those who Loved Her:

Early this morning, my little one breathed her last in my arms. I took her outside from 5 PM on last night, every 90 minutes until the wee hours of this morning.

Snow eating was a top priority — star gazing — and vacating the body of all contents. {Bless her!} At a bit after 3 (I must have fallen asleep briefly) she jumped off the bed. I was up immediately, concerned for her feet — walked through the house and could not find her. I turned on the light in the office and there she was, under my desk, sides heaving … wedged up against the coldest wall in the house.

I slid her out of her hidey-hole and managed, after a few minutes, to bring her to her sofa. As she lay in my arms I tried to think — emergency service — local vet at home — remedies — what?

“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered. She only smiled, panting heavily.

I could barely stand to see her like that. I had to let go. I knew what she wanted. Taking a deep breath, I found my courage and surrendered. “Okay, love, let’s do this.” We entered into deep meditation. A few minutes later, she had three quick chest spasms and her head dropped onto my arm, perfectly still.

Obviously heart-related, it took time for her passing to register. I half expected her to raise her little head and tell me we could go back to bed.

As I prepared her body for the inevitable, the tears came. I was now a Scottie-free zone…or so my grief imagined.

A few seconds after Roshini left her body, she pushed her Other-Side face into mine. I could both see and hear her.

“I’m… right…HERE.”

“I know, love. I know. I see you. I know how this works, remember? I miss being able to squeeze your cuddly furriness, that’s all. We could have had so much more fun together!” I choked on a sob but she wasn’t having it.

“This is GREAT! No limits! I can be anywhere, any-when! Come fly with me!”

“You know I will. You might have to help a little until the sadness goes away.”

“Tomorrow, maybe?”

“Give me some time sweetie.” I laughed through my tears. “My heart needs to heal.”

“I know! Why do you think I took that away?” Then, afew moments later, “Are you ready to hear the truth now?”

I nodded my acquiescence. “Always.”

“I came in to get you through the tough stuff…These last seven years. This world is changing, and there are lots of things going on ‘upstairs,’ but I wanted a special job, so I came to be with you.”

To get me through the tough stuff…Nothing else she could have said would have had the same effect. Her words pierced my heart, in that last little place I’d withheld for a rainy day.

Whatever was left of my heart, Mary’s or Nalini’s, melted into light. Tears. Bliss. Ecstasy. Experience beyond expression. What had been a learning of Infinite Peace, opened to Infinite Love.

This light had visited the center of my chest since I could remember. It settled there permanently when embodiment began. I had no idea I had compartmentalized it, no idea I had unconsciously limited its expression through me.

“Those walls are gone now,” Roshini whispered, as she leapt into my heart, to stay.

***

This is an excerpt from my book, Walk A(New)Way, and from what will be the third book of the Scottie Samurai Trilogy, pending its completion.

It will be five years, this January, since my girl, *registered, Hanabi Roisín, took her leave…and melted into my heart. Her Presence, as part of HER Presence, has deepened the love within me. I am forever grateful…to our four-legged teachers of every persuasion.

~ Namaste ~