Summary

The content discusses the complexities and emotional turmoil faced by an older transgender individual grappling with the decision to transition amidst the love for their family and the societal pressures that ensnare their identity.

Abstract

The article delves into the personal struggle of an older transgender person who is conflicted between their need to transition and the love for their spouse and family. It highlights the medical reality of gender incongruence, emphasizing that it is not a choice but a physical condition that causes significant distress. The author shares their own experience of an ever-growing dysphoria that has led to an inevitable choice between enduring lifelong pain, death, or transitioning. The narrative underscores the societal rejection and internalized shame that transgender individuals often face, as well as the lack of viable alternatives to alleviate their suffering. The author's writings serve as a form of therapy, aiming to process their experiences, connect with others in the transgender community, and educate cisgender individuals on the need for understanding and acceptance.

Opinions

Gender incongruence is a legitimate medical condition, not a choice, and those affected by it face a stark reality of needing to transition to address their dysphoria.
Transitioning is portrayed as the only viable solution to stop the lifelong malady of gender dysphoria, which has become unbearable for the author.
The author expresses a deep sense of guilt and pain over the impact of their transition on their family, yet acknowledges their own need for personal truth and authenticity.
Society's rejection and the resulting internalized shame are seen as major contributors to the suffering of transgender individuals.
The author wishes for a world where transgender people are understood and accepted without the pain and tragedy that currently accompanies their existence.
Writing is a therapeutic outlet for the author, serving to process their own journey and to reach out to both transgender and cisgender audiences for empathy and understanding.

The Paths of Gender Incongruence

Society built the roads we must follow. (Spaghetti Junction Highway Interchange, Photo by **Elaine Plesser**, Fine Art America.)

An online transgender friend was having a moment of crisis. Like me, she is older, in her 50’s. Her need to transition is ensnared by her love for her wife, their family and life in general. It was an extremely long exchange but there were three points that really resonated with me that made me respond, not only for her but for me as well.

I wanted to share them here.

Having the drive to transition is not my fault. Whether my wife can love me if I transition is not something I have a say in.

Gender incongruence is a physical reality. You did not choose it. It happened to you but, at the end of the day, wives share in the collective pain. Tragically we are all victims of a society that rejects facts and has forced us to hide out of fear of rejection and public humiliation. It then planted the seeds of shame and guilt in our souls that have had a lifetime to grow.

Spouses have a choice, a painful one, but we have none. Ours is a clinically-proven medical need.

It is more a matter of me rejecting all of the outcomes as unacceptable.

This encapsulates my own battle for the last three years. I keep looking for a way out. I have found only three choices so far: accept the lifelong pain, death or transition. For me, I absolutely refuse the first two and the third, transitioning, continues its relentless progress.

I can’t seem to accept transitioning half way and I am exhausted by a lifetime of lies.

“And, if dysphoria continues to grow (hopefully it won’t), the answer regarding the question which hurts more, transitioning or not, might become an easy call to make.”

That is the tragedy and reality of gender dysphoria. It doesn’t go away, and at least in my case, it has gotten worse to the point that my pain and suffering has overwhelmed my desire to protect my family from my need to transition. This decision violates everything I believe in but this physical need is taking no prisoners.

It does not negotiate.

That is how strong my need is and that is what makes this so painful and so tragic. To the world and those I love most, it looks like I am making a choice. In reality it is the only cure available to stop lifelong malady that has grown past the point of my personal survivability. There are no other viable medical or psychological options.

I truly wish I had better answers. I truly wish I could carry this pain to my grave to protect the ones I love. God knows I have tried, literally with every fiber of my being, but I can’t.

That is my greatest pain. Everything else pales in comparison.

All I can say is don’t lose hope no matter what. Show patience and strength. Hopefully you both will be ok.

Believe that you will.

I hate what Society has done to so many amazing people. I hate the pain I see and personally feel. I just hope that the world begins to feel just some of that pain and to finally begin to understand that we are people who want nothing more than simple acceptance for something we were born with.

It’s not our fault and it’s not our choice.

Emma Holiday

Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.

My writing has three specific goals:

1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.

2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.

3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.

Thank you for reading my work.

Please also read:

The Transgender Pain

The Pain

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