This Is Why You Won’t See the Female Narcissist Coming
This passive-aggressive distinction in her approach is why she’s harder to spot than her male counterparts.
There’s no such thing as “meeting” a narcissist especially not for the first time. This is because they’ve already had their eyes on you and started looking into you long before your first “encounter”.
I talk about this in the following article:
Because of the events in this article, I was able to pass the wisdom over to a buddy of mine when the same thing happened to him. Remember my friend, Darren, and his ex-girlfriend Alison?
The one I spoke about in this story:
Alison was trying to pressure Darren into marrying her and kept using some very abusive scare tactics to force him into it. She was doing it because she didn’t want to “lose” Darren,
After cheating on him.
Well, as it turns out, Darren didn’t meet Alison organically either — but he thought he did. He was approached by Alison, the way I was approached by Kareem, and a very dangerous narcissist I dated named Dwayne.
I mention Dwayne, for the first time, in this article:
In Darren’s case,
He was pursued by Alison (a female narcissist) and after several conversations with him, I discovered a distinct difference between the way the male and the female narcissist approach their supply.
With female narcissists, many “encounters” tend to happen through another, much more subtle, method.
In many cases, they seem to play no role in how either one of you met at all. The reason for that is simple, they’ve employed the help of their greatest weapon,
The flying monkey.
The Role of the Flying Monkeys
Darren and Alison were linked through a third party; or as they’re known in the world of narcissism, a flying monkey.
adjective
- The term ‘flying monkeys’ is another way of saying ‘abuse by proxy’ or having someone else do the bidding of in this case a narcissist.
These are the people who will come to their defense, and be on their side when things go sour between the two of you.
In some cases, these same people will be acutely aware of the insidious things the narcissist is doing behind your back and will shield you from seeing or knowing it. In other words, these are “yes” men.
Right or wrong, their job is to make sure every outcome is in favor of the narcissist.
Flying monkeys are comprised of the narcissist’s friends, family, and even other supply sources (it happens). These are essentially people who are connected directly to the narcissist.
And yes, they can even turn your own friends and family against you — prompting them to become flying monkeys too.
This is why when I break up with a narcissist or cut them off, I throw the entire team away. No contact means NO CONTACT — and no loopholes to achieving it. I detail my intense process of going “no contact”,
In this article:
I’ve had to learn to be so anal about it because I’ve experienced some of the extremes narcissists will go through just to achieve contact, either to rope you back in or hurt you as a means to get the last word.
Some narcissists will even team up with former enemies if it means gaining a flying monkey to go up against you or check up on you, in some way. In this case, the flying monkey was Bianca,
Alison’s cousin.
Bianca Was on Darren’s Praise Team
(which is part of the music ministry at his church.)
On one particular Thursday, Alison came to see Bianca during rehearsal and spotted Darren, but she didn’t say a word. The following Sunday is when Darren would “meet” Alison,
(With the help of her flying monkey, Bianca.)
Bianca approached Darren with Alison, as he was heading to the parking lot to leave. She casually introduced the two before inviting Derrick to a birthday dinner she was having.
Darren didn’t have a car at the time and was using his sister’s car to get around and wouldn’t be able to have access to it on that particular day.
Bianca asked where he lived and when he told her Alison chimed in that she also lived there too, to which Bianca immediately said,
“Oh, Alison can drive you!”
Darren didn’t feel right about it because he had not only just met Alison but he barely knew Bianca that well either.
Bianca then said —
“Are y’all gonna exchange numbers or what?”
This is how they met.
The Pathology of Her Passive Approach
Men are notoriously more aggressive than women.
A man is much more likely to actively pursue a romantic interest. It’s common for them to physically make the approach, over and over again. Regardless, of the chances of rejection.
Women? Not so much.
Female narcissists tend to take a more passive approach. It’s more common for female narcissists to enlist a flying monkey, specifically one who is already familiar with their target.
She chooses this method because this way —
- the stakes are lowered
- the introductions go smoother, and
- there are fewer chances of rejection
The reason there are fewer chances for rejection is that in many cases this approach results in a temporary “friendship” or casual familiarity.
Unlike her male counterpart (specifically, the covert narcissist) who will likely hit you with the following line —
So you can’t have friends?
Or
We can’t be friends?
(When it’s clear a friendship is not what they’re looking for.)
The female narcissist will create a situation where some variation of a friendship is casually entered into. From there, a relationship “fluidly” begins.
In some cases, you will pursue her after the first half of this method has been completed, actually believing it was you who initiated the relationship you were being set up to want.
In this particular way, one could argue that the female narcissist is a smoother operator because it’ll seem like she had nothing to do with the encounter at all because she’s usually not the one approaching you.
Meanwhile, she was the mastermind behind the entire operation, along with the execution of the setup. Everything was her idea. But you don’t know that because she genuinely seems uninvolved.
That’s why it continues to work.
Alison was no different.
Sadly, Darren would go on to ignore his intuitive feelings about this setup and offer up his address and phone number, beginning a four-and-half-year abuse cycle that came to an end this past February,
When she staged her last breakup with him.
The Female Narcissist’s Big Reveal
Darren was eventually told by Alison that their entire “introduction” was orchestrated, with the help of Bianca (of course), who thought he would be “a good fit for her”, despite,
- not knowing him that well, and
- never considering she might not be (and wasn’t) a good fit for him
As a result, the two of them were hooked up, with Darren being the only one unaware this was all a setup from the start.
Later, she would go on to admit she was behind it after seeing him one day when she went to go see Bianca at praise rehearsal, saw Darren, and sized him up.
Of course, she told him all of this well into their relationship when Darren was deeply in love with her so that it wouldn’t cost Alison any consequences — like the dissolution of the relationship.
Out of both of our experiences,
I think it’s important to note how the female narcissist took a more passive route to orchestrate a meeting by using a third party to assist her.
Despite the contrast in our situations, Darren and I made it out safely, more aware, and more alert than we’d ever been before. Especially now that we both understand,
Being approached by an admirer might seem innocent but could actually be the first vital sign that you’ve been picked by a narcissist,
After you’ve already been assessed.
© Linda Sharp 2023. All Rights Reserved.
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