Parenting

Unfiltered: The Parenting Issues You Need To Know About

To the parents that are just getting started, it’s not all fun and games

Children are germ-infested, lying angels sent to us straight from heaven. They are both a blessing and a curse. The cause of your greatest joy and the cause of your worst fears. There is not another job more important than this one on this earth. Regardless, if you are looking for a life full of glamour, happiness, and cleanliness, you probably should avoid the parenting part.

Being a parent is an odd combination of love, amazement, a fear like no other, and a love so strong it will astound you. Being a parent is one of the very few things I am proud of accomplishing. Parenting has also broken my heart many times over. And I know I still have many more shocking parenting moments, including more heartbreak, to come in my future.

Body Fluids

I sincerely hope you like the taste of vomit. Or getting an arc of warm urine straight in the face as soon as the cool air hits your newborn son’s penis. I will never forget when my son peed all over my husband the second they locked eyes at his birth. Of course, I wasn’t laughing long.

My daughter vomited straight into my mouth when I had been gently tossing her in the air like a toddler. She went from sheer joy to projectile vomiting into me with no sign or warning. It was not the last time I would digest gross substances due to my children.

Anger

Somewhere between the ages of ten and fourteen, your precious angel will suddenly turn on you. They will wake up an angsty, hormonal filled storm cloud and will rain on all of your parades for several years straight. They will continuously have an attitude no matter what you do or say. Just learn to ignore what you can while also correcting the disrespectful behavior when it oversteps your boundaries. They will test every part of you during this period of their lives. It will end up being a test for the entire family.

Don’t worry, though. You will still have pictures of them as babies peeing into your eyeballs to see you through the loveless drought to come.

Rejection

Don’t get offended when every bit of your pure and enormous love gets rejected by them. It is normal, or so they say. You will get used to it after your heart breaks the first fifteen times. After that, heartbreak will be the norm for a bit.

Try not to be alarmed. This is normal. They are starting to separate themselves from you and preparing to fly out of your nest. You can assuage the heartbroken feeling by notating that if they are doing this, then they probably won’t live out their adulthood in your basement with nine cats. Please note that I said probably.

There is always a blessing in every burden. Or so my mother tried to convince me. She also said that God made teenagers act so horribly so it would be easier for us to let them go fly away when the time came. She also said God made toddlers cute so you wouldn’t drop kick them.

Embarrassment

It will be a sudden transition for you to go from being their hero to becoming the most ignorant, uncultured person in the world. You will be labeled an embarrassing loser. This is normal. So, pull up your panties and/or briefs and wipe those tears. It is time to use the hurt to your benefit.

If you have been tried, convicted, and punished due to being an embarrassment, why not do the crime? Dab everywhere you go. Only wear clothes from Hot Topic. Twerk in the grocery store. Blare gangster rap in the school’s car pick up line.

You will be paying for therapy one way or another, so you might as well enjoy it!

Humility

Your degrees and education don’t mean crap to these hooligans you call children. You could have eleven letters behind your name and you still would be the dumbest person they know. Not the friend that eats glue, but you. So, don’t seek validation from your offspring.

You will remain slightly to extremely dumb until they have children of their own. Then, they will call on you for everything. Your golden years will turn into their golden years, if they get their way.

Conclusion

You have been warned should you undertake this parenting thing. These pint-sized heart assassins are born with the ability to bring you to your knees. They won’t ever stop, either.

But, the love you will experience upon their birth, is something that can never be duplicated. It is a love unlike any other. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.