The Parent Trap?
Some people want to have kids. Some people don’t. “Some girls need a lot of lovin,’ and some girls don’t.” Sozz, easily distracted.
Not long ago, that’s right.
I revealed my secret to a long-term relationship was, “Don’t live together. Don’t have kids.”
This sparked outrage with someone calling themselves, ’47 Kids Anq Outing,’ getting in touch to say, “Not have kids?!? Why?!? Why?!?”
What a daft question. Although it did remind me of encounters me and my girlfriend have at dinner parties.
1st Person: You go to dinner parties?
Me: No. That’s not the point.
1st Person: Eh?!?
Anyway, guaranteed when we say in passing that we’ve been together for nearly 30 years, some childed person pipes in and asks, “Why don’t you have kids?” I usually give the lazy lie, which is, “She’s barren, and I’m impotent.” They then usually fuck off back to the hors d’oeuvres (French, why?).
However, do us unchilded folks really know we don’t want to have kids? Perhaps replies such as, “Don’t want to have kids,” or, “Kids aren’t for us,” or “Can’t see the point of having kids,” are simply indicators of the complete opposite?
Well, luckily for you, I can offer advice.
What makes me an expert? Well you’re here reading this ain’t you?
I like to lead by example. Below is how as a parent I would navigate four topics popular with today’s crazy kids. If you would navigate in a similar way, under no circumstances reproduce.
1. Identity
Child: Dad, I’m non-binary.
Me: I couldn’t give two shits what you are, as long as you’re happy.
Child: That’s good to hear. So….
Me: I thought you lot didn’t like labels.
Child: Who lot?
Me: Young people.
Child: Whatever. Anyway, in future please refer to me as….
Me: Is the name we gave you redundant then?
Child: No.
Me: Well nothing’s changed. We’ll call you by your name.
Child: Dad….
Me: With all this pronoun malarkey I’m often reminded of the famous phrase, “Who’s ‘she’, the cat’s mother?”
Child: You’re generation is obsessed with cats. Anyway, in future please call me….
Me: I’ll call you when your tea’s ready. Go to your room!
2. Climate Change
Child: Dad. Climate change.
Me: This again? You’re like a stuck record.
Child: A stuck what now?
Me: Ne’ermind.
Child: Your generation has ruined this planet.
Me: That’s right, everything is all our fault innit. I was recycling long before you were born.
Child: That’s all you lot do. You, you, Boomer Trustafarian!
Me: If you’re mother were still with us she’d be ashamed.
Child: She’s only nipped to the shops!
Me: I’m still right though innit.
Child: You never take shit seriously.
Me: Don’t fucking swear! Anyway, apparently, overpopulation is a thing, but I don’t see you offering to top yourself.
3. Body Image
Child: Dad, do you think I’m fat?
Me: No.
Child: Do you think I’m ugly?
Me: No.
Child: You’re not just saying that are you?
Me: No. I’m not just saying that.
Child: So you don’t think I’m fat?
Me: No.
Child: So you don’t think I’m ugly?
Me: No.
Child: You are just saying that aren’t you?
Me: No I’m not.
Child: Parents do that though. They will….
Me: Do you want me to say you’re fat? Do you want me to say you’re ugly? Will that make you happy? Will it?
Child: [sniffs]
Me: Great. You’re not fat, you’re not ugly, but you are a crybaby.
4. Online Bullying
Child: Dad, I‘m getting bullied online.
Me: Don’t go online then.
Child: Won’t that mean the bullies have won?
Me: No, it means you win not getting bullied online no more.
Child: My whole life’s online.
Me: Maybe that’s why you get bullied.
Child: Why would you say that? It’s the kind of thing one of my bullies would say. You’re my dad. You should listen and be more sympathetic.
Me [looking at phone]: ….Have you seen this Youtube cat fall over? It’s fucking hilarious.
Go be unchilded.
Remember, this advice is especially for you. No, not you. You there.
1st Man: Who? Me bruv?
Me: Yes. You call parenting “sowing seeds.”
1st Man: It is.
Me: Please keep it in your pants.
My advice is always:
Fantastic Awesome Tremendous Humongous Epic Respected Luscious Excellent Enlightened.
Please do turn that into an acronym.
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Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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