The Paradox of Failure — Eternal Truths for Daily Life
On Cultivating Compassion
Have you had any epic failures in life?
The type of setbacks that are still a little embarrassing to talk about?
The Wounded Healer
In his short book The Wounded Healer, the theologian Henri Nouwen highlighted an essential insight into human nature. Nouwen observed,
The great illusion of leadership is to think that man can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there. Our lives are filled with examples which tell us that leadership asks for understanding and that understanding requires sharing.
What if our setbacks and weaknesses are our greatest gifts?
Thought Experiment:
Let me introduce you to my fictitious friend John. John has never been fired, dumped, bullied, injured, or failed at much of anything. He is taller, better looking, and smarter than most.
Can you picture him?
Although John is aware of the pain and suffering that is part of the human condition. He has yet to experience much of it firsthand. He is unaware (experientially) of what it feels like to be fired from a job, dumped by someone he loves, and so on.
The setbacks we face (often) teach us eternal lessons and help us be more resilient. But more importantly, these setbacks help us to cultivate compassion for others. The person that has experienced being dumped or fired is often aware of this when letting someone go or ending a relationship. On the one hand, our friend John is fortunate he has not experienced many setbacks. But on the other hand, it is unfortunate if he is unaware of the pain and suffering that exists for many of the people around him.
As Nouwen put it, “Who can save a child from a burning house without taking the risk of being hurt by the flames? Who can listen to a story of loneliness and despair without taking the risk of experiencing similar pains in his own heart and even losing his precious peace of mind? In short: “Who can take away suffering without entering it?”
“Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, observed Nouwen, “to enter into the places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish.”
Life is Hard
A few months ago, my friend (a previous podcast guest) recommended the book Adam’s Return by the theologian Richard Rohr. It’s a book about the lost art of rites of passage.
According to Rohr, the purpose of initiation was to teach essential truths. Rohr suggests that all great spirituality is about what we do with our pain. The first initiation lesson was to teach the young man not to run from pain and, in fact, not to get rid of any pain until he had first learned its lessons.
What if the significant lesson of setbacks is to awaken us to the truth that life is hard? Initiation is not about being a warrior as much as it is about being conscious, awake, and alert. Rohr writes, “Note how much Jesus talks about the same issue, and “I am awake” is the very meaning of the name Buddha.”
Although there is the potential to experience setbacks and not reap the gift of greater understanding about ourselves and the world around us, we are all prone to blame others and repress our negative emotions. The Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, “An ignorant person is inclined to blame others for his own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise person never has to blame another or themselves.”
Rohr sums up his point this way,
It is finally all about one thing: What are you going to do with your pain? Are you going to blame others for it? Are you going to think that it has to be fixed? As the Buddha is supposed to have said, “Pain is part of the deal”! No one lives on this earth without it. It is the great teacher, although none of us want to admit it. If we do not transform our pain, we will transmit it in some form.
Final Thoughts
One of the things I love about Seneca’s writing is how his setbacks and failures come through. At one point, he tells Lucilius not to see him as someone who has it figured out. But to see him as another patient, “I will talk to you about our common suffering and share remedies as if I am lying in the same hospital.” Strangely, setbacks, challenges, and hardships can help us to share (and connect) with the suffering of the world around us.
Thank you for reading; I hope you found something useful.
