The Pandemic Took Away My Senior Year of College — and It’s Kind of Hard to Let that Go.

But here’s to trying to find a silver lining in all the anger and bitterness.

Recently, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about the last time I was out with a group of my friends in a setting that could be considered “normal” (no masks, no social distancing, no global pandemic hanging over our heads). It was just over one year ago, when news of the virus in the U.S. was merely starting to spread.

We were out for dinner, and one of my friends mentioned his parents were nervous about his being out because of the recent news. I’ll never forget what happened next. Another friend and I — ensconced in our naive, pre-pandemic idealism — chuckled at him and said, “Their concern is valid man, but life goes on. What are we gonna do — shut everything down?”

Famous last words, I suppose.

When I first went home last March, I didn’t anticipate things to be abnormal for so long. I don’t think anyone did. Somewhat idealistically, I thought it would only be a few short months until we all returned to campus and resumed life as usual. In particular, I remember feeling thankful that I was only a junior at the time. I lamented the case of my senior friends who would lose the last two months of their senior year — no grad photos, no ceremonies, and no senior trips.

Little did I know that I (and all my fellow juniors at the time) had it so much worse.

Sometimes, in the silence of my empty apartment, I’ll think about everything we didn’t get to do. The dinners with close friends that were never eaten, the late-night outings that were never taken, and the plans that were never carried out. The countless emotions that were never experienced, and the endless memories that were never made.

Sometimes, I think about that, and it makes me feel angry, disappointed, nostalgic, and confused all at once. Because of the pandemic, most people lost a year of their lives they’ll never get back. But for us, it was more than that. It wasn’t just postponing our family trip to Europe or waiting to start that business we’ve always dreamed about (as painful as these things already are — my goal isn’t to invalidate anyone else’s reality, only to highlight ours). We lost a time in our lives we’ll never have another opportunity to experience, because there are some things you can only do — there are some emotions and feelings you can only fully experience — as a senior in college. If you’ve been there, you know what they are. Unfortunately, we don’t.

And it’s kind of hard to let that go.

I’ve read every article recommended on my feed discussing the mental repercussions of the pandemic, but knowing everyone is experiencing the same thing does not ease the disappointment. After all, simply because everyone is dealing with similar sentiments doesn’t reduce their impact on an individual. If anything, it might even make it worse, since that’s all you see everywhere you look.

And that brings me to the silver linings hidden in all the negativity created by this pandemic.

To be clear, this isn’t just me trying to encourage you to see the good in a sea of bad. I don’t think it makes sense for me to do that, since I myself am embroiled in a host of negative emotions toward the effects of the pandemic. If anything, this is me trying to convince myself that despite the interruption to my college life caused by COVID, maybe something good came out of it after all.

So, without further ado, here’s what I came up with:

1. Confronting my personal demons

Regardless of what they may be, I think we all have a collection of thoughts and experiences which keep us up at night. A frightening mixture of our worst insecurities, past mistakes, future plans, and deepest fears. However, for most of our lives, we distract ourselves with daily activities and manage to ignore, or at least suppress, the things that bother us.

The pandemic changed that, at least for me. For years, I had ignored blatantly obvious inner conflicts that I needed to address. Each time I sat down to think about and solve them, something else came up in my life, and I moved on without ever really doing anything. Stuck at home all day for quarantine, however, I began to reflect. It was less of a choice and more of a necessity. My thoughts and emotions built up inside of me. I began to write, and I began to talk. And as painful as the experience of many months of introspection was, I came out of it much healthier and happier.

I know this may not be a universal experience. That said, I do think that in an unprecedented way, COVID forced us to face the hidden secrets of our lives that we wished to ignore for so long. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

2. Making new friends and letting others go

If you had asked me a year ago to predict the people I’d become closest to (or drift furthest away from) as a result of the pandemic, my answers would have been dead wrong. During quarantine, I hardly spoke to some people I might have once considered my closest friends, and I grew closer to others I barely knew pre-pandemic.

Some might be quick to interpret this as a classic case of “finding out who the real ones are,” as people say. However, I don’t think that’s what happened here. Shutting down the country quite literally upended people’s lives, and no one has a right to judge anyone else for being distant, setting boundaries, or shifting priorities during a difficult time.

That said, I do think the pandemic helped teach me a valuable lesson about letting go. I learned to accept when people naturally drift away without allowing any negativity into the mix. To appreciate the positive impact they’ve had on you even as you come to the realization that your connection with them is ending. In doing so, I simultaneously learned to allow new, unfamiliar people in, and thus expand my perspectives and grow as a person. And as frustrating as the last year has been, this is a lesson I’ll always appreciate.

3. Spending more time at home

Hopefully, this last one is something most (if not all) of us can relate to. The most obvious silver lining of COVID was that, despite having to miss my senior year of college, I got to spend more time at home than any other time in the last four years (and likely any other time in the foreseeable future).

At first, I admit I was frustrated. I missed the privacy of my college apartment and the ability to live life exactly as I pleased without adjusting to the schedules and lives of others. The first few months saw a lot of bitterness invading my interactions at home, which was only exacerbated by my realization that each second spent in my childhood room corresponded to another potential experience I might never have on campus.

But after the initial adjustment period, I realized being at home was a blessing. It had been so long since I had eaten my mother’s home-cooked meals every day, or binge-watched a TV series with my younger sister, or seriously sat down and talked to my dad about my hopes and dreams. If it weren’t for quarantine, these things would probably never have happened. I would’ve graduated, gone off to grad school, gotten a job, and settled into my own life without the added gratitude I have acquired from my time at home.

So yes, I’m still angry that I lost all of my senior year. But at the same time, I think I gained a closer relationship with my family for the rest of my life. That’s got to be worth something.

Final Thoughts

For all of us, this past year has involved more emotional roller coasters and disappointments than any normal human should have to deal with in such a short span of time.

It’s hard to let that go. I know it is. I wrote this article to try to do exactly that, and I’m still not sure I’ve gotten there.

But despite all of that, if we look hard enough, I do think there is a silver lining (perhaps even more than one) hidden in the midst of it all. I found mine as stated above, and even though I’m still angry, I’d be lying if I said they didn’t make me feel at least a little better.

If you’re reading this, I’m sure you’ve also gone through a lot this year. You deserve to feel better.

I would encourage you to find your silver linings too.