The Other Side of Saying Goodbye

How to find light after a loss

On March 6, 2019, I was taking a nap after work when my roommate interrupted my sleep.

Angry because my sleep had been interrupted, I asked him if he had lost his damn mind.

He responded: “Jess, your family has been trying to contact you. Call them back asap.”

I felt something was wrong right away, even though I was sleepy. But I could never imagine what had happened.

When I finally reached my phone, I had 10 missed calls from my mom a call came in from my best friend and she said:

“Jess, it’s your grandma. She felt ill and they took her to the hospital but she couldn’t make it.”

My response was: “Which grandma?”

Knowing very well she was the only grandma I had left.

I hung up on my best friend and called my mom. When my mom answers, I can only hear crying and screaming from her, my cousins, and my aunt.

My grandma had indeed passed away. There were no warning signs, there was no heads-up. She was gone.

My grandmother was the glue of our family. She was the least selfish person I’ve ever met. She built an empire and gave back more than she built. She was a true leader, she was my hero.

Every Sunday, she gave free food to people in need. It was rare to walk into her house on a Sunday and not find her caring for someone who was ill.

She took in everyone. Family, friends, distant family, a friend of a friend. It didn’t matter. She would support them emotionally and financially. She would provide them with food and a place to sleep.

How losing my grandmother changed me

After I heard the news I entered a weird space between being in shock and spacing out.

Months later, my friend told me that he was the one driving me from Indianapolis to the Chicago airport. I say “spacing out” because of this. It was the morning after my grandmother passed. I have no memory of this moment.

I stayed in the shock stage for a while. I traveled to be with my family, was there for two weeks, came back and life had to move on.

Yet, I was stuck in the shock stage of grief. Over and over again, I kept replaying the moment when my best friend told me that my grandmother had passed away. I would:

• wake up in the middle of the night in shock and cry
• cry in the middle of the day
• cry myself to sleep

This was the first time in my life I had lost someone I loved and looked up to. Someone who had been there for me my whole life.

I continued to go on like this for a few months and fell into a deep depression hole.

I had to make a decision — to continue to suffer in silence, or to get help.

In June 2019 I decided that I could no longer spend my days crying and not knowing how to cope with the loss.

I decided it was time to reach out for help and start talking about how I felt. So I reached out to a therapist for the first time in my life.

At first, I only focused on dealing with grief in therapy. But as time went on, I also started to address other problems in my life.

If you or someone you know are going through the loss of a loved one, I don’t think I can give you better advice than going to therapy.

Everyone grieves differently, and they take as much time as they need. However, I am certain that therapy can provide assistance.

I didn’t know anything about grief. Grief comes in waves. Sometimes, even when you think you’re doing better, you still find yourself crying for what you’ve lost.

There is no telling what may trigger you and send you back to depression.

How people can find light after a loss:

1) Seek help — find a therapist. In therapy, I learned the four stages of grieving:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sadness/Depression
4. Acceptance

I learned about each of the four stages. It helped me understand where I was and accept that this was a process I had to go through.

In therapy, I also learned how to cope by:

• Being ok speaking about my grandmother as much as I wanted with my therapist, friends, and family. When you lose someone, you most likely feel the constant need to share your loss with everyone and talk about them. It’s ok to do it, and this will help you in your process.
• Writing letters to my grandmother about anything. I missed her a lot. I thanked her for everything she did for me. I remembered the most memorable moments we spent together.

2) Journal

I started journaling after my grandmother died. I write in my journal every day since.

Writing in a journal helped me express my feelings. It also helped me gain clarity on ongoing problems. Additionally, it helped me visualize my goals.

3) Motivational content (books, podcasts, digital products)

Once I moved to the sadness/depression stage of grief, one day I cried to the point that I scared myself. I didn’t recognize myself. That led me to say enough is enough, I can no longer keep going like this.

So I pulled out my phone and typed in “motivation” on Spotify. The Mindset Mentor podcast by Rob Dial was the top search. I clicked on it and started listening as I was lying down in bed after an intense crying moment.

I wrote down everything I heard on the podcast, and I kept repeating this process every day.

Listening to this motivational podcast got me out of the funk I was in. I was still sad but I grew my mindset into wanting better things for myself.

The podcast inspired me to read more books. It also led me to a digital course called “How to Start Journaling” by Rob Dial.

Grief is not a one-size-fits-all all. You’ll go through unbearable pain and shock and you’ll take the amount of time that you need.

Remember, you can use tools and resources to help you get through this tough time. You don’t have to do it all alone. A few resources:

1- Therapy

2- Journaling

3- Motivational content

These steps helped me deal with the loss. They also inspired growth and gave me a new understanding of myself and the healing process. It is possible to find light after a loss.

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