The Other Four-Letter “F” Word

Clinging to a life vest in the fog

A nod. A wave. A slight upward turn of the mouth. All perfectly acceptable forms of answering the question, “how are you?” But when I hear the response “fine”, I pause.

We’ve heard it said a million times. Hell, we’ve probably even said it ourselves a few thousand.

“How was work?” — Fine.

“How was school?” — Fine.

“How’d you do on your test?” — Fine.

“How was dinner?” — Fine.

“How was the movie?” — Fine.

“How was the game?” — Fine.

“How is your family?” — Fine.

“How’s the water?” — Fine.

“How’s the weather?” — Fine.

“How are you?” — Fine.

But what does ‘fine’ really mean? And when we say ‘fine’ do we really mean it, or has that just become the socially acceptable answer to every question asked? Maybe it’s a question we don’t want to answer truthfully, or can’t.

‘Fine’ can mean so many things to so many different people. And to be more confusing, ‘fine’ can mean multiple things to the same person. The problem is trying to decipher when ‘fine’ is really ‘fine’, and when ‘fine’, is anything but.

How many times do we ask the question, expecting to hear ‘fine’ and not allowing the opportunity or time for anything different? We shout the question, “how was work?” to our spouse as we are sitting on our computer sifting through social media sites. OR, we ask “how was school?” to our children while we are fixing dinner, with the TV on, and going through the mail at the same time. OR, we text our friends, ‘HRU’, wondering what emoji will best elicit the word, ‘fine’.

I struggle with this immensely. I’m often the one sitting at my computer or distracted with my own thoughts, only half asking/half-listening to their response.

But then there are times when I ask the question, “how are you?” and really look into the eyes of my teenage son, my husband, my coworker or my friend, and as the word ‘fine’ is passing their lips, I just know that they aren’t. Do I gently press them, question them again, or let this safe word hang in the air as a momentary shield hiding how they are really doing?

I suppose the very real but very maddening answer is, it depends. There have been times when I see a completely crushed spirit starring back at me, and I can’t stop squeezing their hand or fiercely hugging them until the ‘fine’ fades and the real emotion begins.

And then there are times when I have to let go and trust that their ‘fine’, is all they can give me at that moment.

Fine is an unsettling word for me. It’s vague and aloof and falls in a foggy, grey area that is difficult to navigate, much like many life situations we go through. It disguises itself as a life vest that we need to hold onto in order to get through the muck. The problem is when we cling to ‘fine’ we settle for staying in the muck. And while it may feel comfortable there, it is often lonely too.

This powerful “F” word can say nothing and everything all at once. It is the shallowest and the deepest of words spoken. And it scares me sometimes.

Which is why when I hear you say, “I’m fine”, I’ll pause a little longer, look a bit more intently and wait. Because unless I know for sure that your ‘fine’ is really ‘fine’, I’ll either wait with you in the muck or gently pull you to shore.