The Only Person You Can Change is Yourself

The Power of Acceptance and Letting Go of the Desire to Change Others

Our world is filled with diverse personalities. Occasionally, we encounter moments when we wish certain individuals would change — be it a friend, romantic partner, family member, or a colleague.

We’ve all had that someone. That someone we believe was the right person at the wrong time, or who was always a bit too stubborn, or never saw things from your point of view.

Loving them hurts. But losing them is worse.

Through tears, anger, and frustration, we plead with them change. To act different, think different, be different. And when they don’t, we go onto thinking, ‘Why aren’t I good enough for them to change for?’.

The Illusion of Control

Humans have a deep-rooted desire for certainty and control. It helps us believe we can shape outcomes and events to our liking.

Control isn’t all bad. In J Rodin’s and E J Langer’s 1977 study of a nursing home, patients in one group were given choice over what plant they could grow in their room and what movies to watch. The second group was denied that control. In the 18 months that followed, the death rate of the second group was double that of the first.

Point being — personal choice and responsibility is crucial for our well-being, but seeking to control others, or being under the control of another person, can make you miserable.

Our Limits of Influence

Our belief and desire to change others is rooted in our need for control. It is based on the idea that it is possible to influence and shape the behaviour, thoughts, and feelings of another person.

You can’t change anybody.

You can inspire them to change, and support them in that process. But you can’t make them change. Because to make someone do anything requires persuasion, manipulation, or coercion.

Your ‘inability’ to change others isn’t a reflection of your worth — it’s because every human is an individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, and, ultimately, change comes from within.

Your expectation for someone to change for you may be a reflection of your ability to change who you are around other people.

Respecting Boundaries

When we persistently push for someone to change, we are really just taking responsibility for their behaviours and emotions. Even if we feel like we’re doing the right thing, this is a violation of boundaries which will ultimately jeopardise relationships.

Placing pressure on someone to change doesn’t reach the core reasons as to why this person is behaving or feeling a certain way. It doesn’t help the person develop any self-awareness or acceptance, therefore it won’t stop the pattern of their behaviour or your reaction to it.

The consequence of this toxic cycle, of pressure and waiting for someone to change, is that both parties end up feeling that something is inherently wrong with them. The person you are trying to change thinks there’s something wrong with them, and then you believe something is wrong with you because they are not changing for you.

Acceptance is Empowering

Not everything is about you. I say this with nothing but love and support.

Taking a step back, and realising that peoples actions, efforts, and attitudes are only a reflection of them is one of the best steps you can take for your mental and emotional wellbeing.

Through introspection, you can understand why you may feel the need to change someone. But through acceptance, you can embrace the fact that only they can change themselves, and let go of the desire to change them.

This doesn’t mean you can’t help someone, or offer them support. It’s about creating the balance in setting boundaries that safeguard both your wellbeing and relationship, while offering them empathy and compassion on their own, individual journey.

Personal Responsibility

Hoping and waiting for someone to change is a powerless position to put yourself in.

All the hours, days, or years, you waste on trying to make someone change, hear your perspective, or see things from your point of view, could be better spent on something that’s actually within your power to change; yourself.

In life, the 3 things you can ever have full control of are: your attitude, your effort, and your actions.

Some people don’t want to change. And that’s to do with them. You, however, hold the potential to learn about yourself and change your attitude, efforts, and actions, to create space for relationships that align more with your values and morals.

Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.

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