The Only Child Syndrome

Bossy, spoiled, selfish, high-achieving, and lonely. Really?

I am an only child. So is my only biological daughter. I recently learned that we have been cursed by the “Only Child Syndrome” which originated in the 1800s from the work of a group of child psychologists.

It looks like psychologists have been studying only children for centuries. More than a hundred years ago, psychologist G. Stanley Hall declared that being an only child was a disease in itself. He was responsible for putting forth the negative stereotype of children without siblings or “onlies.” It is rather unfortunate that his assertions caught on. (source)

The Only Child Syndrome suggests that children who don’t have siblings are bossy, spoiled, selfish, high-achieving, and lonely. It also proposes that only children have poor social skills and have trouble sharing due to a lack of interaction with other children.

Aren’t we fun people?

Let’s have a look

I thought back to my lovely daughter growing up and did a quick (totally unbiased) assessment of her character. Was she bossy? No. Spoiled? A soft no. Selfish? No. High-achieving? Absolutely. Lonely? I had to ask. Poor social skills? No. Trouble sharing? Yes.

I recently asked her if she felt lonely being an only child. She told me that she liked being alone, and as an adult she still enjoys solitude. She also told me that she disliked other kids coming into her domain and disturbing her prized possessions. That is the “trouble sharing” part of the assessment.

The research supports the idea that onlies “are more independent and protective of their alone time as they are accustomed to spending time alone and being self-sufficient.” (source)

That has also been my experience. I have described myself as being a feral child: independent and self-assured. Was I lonely? At a young age, yes. That was due to our constant relocation from country to country. Once we grew roots in one place and I was able to develop lasting friendships, that feeling dissipated.

The good part

So, what are the positive characteristics attributed to onlies?

There are many.

The abundance of parental attention and praise for their accomplishments makes onlies want to be high achievers throughout their lives. Only children tend to be sensitive to the needs of others, as they are sensitive to their parent’s needs. (source)

Only children generally have higher IQs than those with siblings, they often rank higher in academic rankings, intelligence, and creativity. They have fewer behavioral problems in school. (source)

So, let me look inward and do a quick (totally unbiased) self-assessment:

Was I bossy? No. Spoiled? Somewhat. Selfish? No. High-achieving? No. Lonely? At first. Poor social skills? No. Trouble sharing? No.

Things have changed

Modern studies looking into the differences between only children and those with siblings have debunked the centuries-old findings and concluded that “the patterns of personality traits across age groups for only children were almost indistinguishable from the patterns in adulthood shown by individuals from multi-child households.” (source)

It seems like my daughter and I cannot attribute our flaws, or our superior “intelligence and creativity” to being onlies. OK, she can definitely claim the intelligence part and I’ll claim the creative bit. If you disagree, please fill in Disagreement Form DF808 at the service counter.

Based on the findings by the University of Auckland’s Samantha Stronge and colleagues (2019) who conducted the definitive study of personality comparisons between being an only child, or not, it may be time to accept that our personal development is the result of a combination of factors that contribute to making us who we are. (source)

Who and what shaped me? Did I download those same influences onto my daughter? Did we question, filter, or adapt those traits to make them our own?

Those are the fundamental questions I ask when I think of how we become who we are. I don’t think that being an only child has been the defining influence in becoming the individuals we developed into.

Onlies are more maligned than maladjusted — writes J.Popock — and “it does them a disservice to perpetuate outdated stereotypes invented by a reactionary Victorian gentleman. G. Stanley Hall has been dead for 90 years.” (source)

The acceptance of one-child families is finally starting to creep into society at large. Their numbers are growing and the syndrome is fading.

“Only-child families were the single most common type of family in Canada in 2021. Forty-five percent of families had one child.” (source)

Factors influencing one-and-done families include: the economic impact of a second child, women delaying becoming mothers, a high divorce rate plays a role, and for the first time in history more women are employed than men. Adding to that, research has shown that, “while having one child is associated with a gain in happiness, having a second is associated with a drop in happiness.” (source)

Considering the current shifting of attitudes, people are no longer regarding a single child as being an “only” one, and have begun to regard us for who we really are.

That’s where I will hang my hat.