The One Word That Will Ease Your Suffering

It’ll even unlock some joy

Life is full of pain and suffering.

There, I said it. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s true. For all of us.

Yes, that means you too.

Before you get totally depressed (that is, if it’s not too late already), I have some awesomely good news for you …

There is a time-tested approach that is guaranteed to reduce your suffering. It’s been around for thousands of years. Even better, it is always within your control.

That approach can be summed up in one word … acceptance.

You may be asking yourself … “If I accept what is happening to me, that would feel like I’m giving up. Why would I want to do that?”

Do not confuse acceptance with resignation.

A quote from not-a-psychiatrist.blogspot.com …

Resignation means giving up because you’ve decided that there’s nothing you can do about the situation, whereas acceptance simply means that you accept that your situation happened. It doesn’t mean that you like what’s happening or that you don’t wish it were different, but once you give up the resistance and denial, you can take the energy you were spending on struggling and use it to decide how to respond or what to do next.

It’s pretty cool that once you accept “what is”, you have put yourself in the driver’s seat. You are now in the position where you can decide if there is a helpful way to respond, and if so, what that response will be.

You may decide it’s best to leave things as they are, in which case, even though you may not be thrilled with the current situation, at least you’re “ok” with it.

Ok is pretty darn good sometimes, certainly a far better place to be than struggling.

The difference between pain and suffering

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional” (Dalai Lama)

What pain is

In layman’s terms, pain is the initial feeling we experience in reaction to either of the following:

• things happening that we didn’t want to occur. (We get ill, a once loving relationship falls apart, we lose our job.)
• things not happening that we did want to occur. (We don’t get the job, we don’t have the money for a new car, we don’t get accepted into the graduate program of our choice.)

The only way to not experience pain is to not care about what happens or doesn’t happen. Well, I’ve yet to meet the person who fits that description! It’s certainly not me.

Let’s face it. We all care! We all have hopes and aspirations. We want what we want.

The bottom line is things are not always going to go the way we hope. Even when we are doing our very best, there is only so much that is within our control. We can’t control other people and external situations. Even when we have some control over a situation, we will inevitably make mistakes at times, as we are all imperfect.

What suffering is

Suffering is, in essence, the stories we tell ourselves about our pain, our interpretation. Typical stories may include:

• “why do things like this always happen to me!” (throwing the old pity party)
• “what did I do wrong?” (I’m such a screw-up)
• “I gotta fix it now, or else …” (the doomsday scenario. This often leads to us frantically try to fix the problem, typically making things worse)
• “I’ll never be able to make things better” (I’m so helpless and incompetent)
• “I should have known better” (the guilt trip)
• “I’ll never get over this” (I’m weak and fragile)
• “It’s no big deal” (I fear that I can’t handle the pain, so I’ll sweep it under the rug)

I’ve told myself all of these stories many different times. It’s no wonder I have suffered so much!

How about you?

There is a formula that I read in the article “The Difference Between Pain and Suffering” by Sebene Selassie, printed in “Ten Percent Happier”.

Pain x Resistance = Suffering

All of the above stories are examples of resistance, different forms of pushing away the pain of “what is”, unaware that acceptance is an option.

The power of acceptance

When we make that shift in mindset to “acceptance”, we find ourselves far less stressed instead, feeling both calm and centered. It is as if we are a different person. It feels magical, yet it is not magic. Rather, it is the product of our mindful effort to accept.

With acceptance, we are now able to revisit the situation with a far more positive and open outlook. No more gloom and doom. No more hopelessness. No more guilt. No more frantically trying to fix things.

We can now objectively assess our present circumstance, and contemplate what, if anything, we can do to make things better. Regardless of anything we may choose to do, or don’t do, all is ok.

Some examples of the power of acceptance

With acceptance of not getting the job you recently interviewed for, you now recognize that the job you didn’t get had aspects to it that you are likely far better off without. Maybe, the commute would have been arduous, the work hours too long, the nature of the job duties not up your alley. So, you decide instead to search for another job, keeping those aspects in mind, and you end up finding another job that is far more desirable.

Through the power of acceptance, your initial disappointment has been replaced with gratefulness.

With acceptance of your relationship breaking up, you realize that even though it hurts, it’s for the better for the both of you. In your now calm and centered state of mind, you reflect back on the relationship with your eyes wide open, recognizing that even though the relationship was loving and you genuinely will miss her, that there were significant, long-standing issues that you and your partner were not able to resolve, despite your best efforts.

Once again, through the power of acceptance, you reflect back on your loss with gratefulness. In this case, gratitude for what you once had and for lessons learned that you can bring forward to the next relationship. There is no anger, no regrets. It’s all good.

My Current Experience With Acceptance

Acceptance is very much a work in process for me. I’m happy to say I’m getting better at it. But it sure as heck isn’t easy. I continue to unnecessarily suffer more often than I would like to. Especially in these times of COVID-19. I find it most challenging to accept the virus’s impact upon my life, as you may also be experiencing.

On top of that, the virus triggered my wife experiencing a battle with contamination OCD. I initially handled it quite poorly. I reacted to my pain in several of the ways I previously listed, most prominently throwing myself innumerable pity parties and/or frantically trying to fix my wife’s OCD (p.s. I am not a licensed psychologist, nor am I the most objective person in the world.)

I am happy to say that I am making good progress in handling my wife’s OCD. Why? I think you can guess.

The power of acceptance

Fortunately (even though it may not feel that way at the time), each and every day, my wife’s OCD provides me with acceptance lessons.

For example, we get a grocery delivery, and I would like to eat some cottage cheese that was just unpacked, and placed in the refrigerator. Even though my wife just thoroughly washed the container, she asks me to wait until the next day to eat it, out of concern for the virus lingering on the container.

Did anybody say … Trigger!!!

In the face of this trigger, I have a choice to make.

Option 1: Pick one or any combination of the following reactions … making a face, complaining, getting angry, feeling sorry for myself, telling my wife “no way” and getting my spoon

Option 2: Respond with acceptance

I am most happy to say (as is my wife) that I am more frequently choosing Option 2.

I always feel better when I choose to accept.

I learn to be more patient, and kind. I learn that contrary to my previously held belief, it is not all about me. I learn to be less judgmental (after all, I’m not exactly a piece of cake to live with). I learn to be a more loving and supportive husband.

It gets even better than that. From my wife’s perspective, she feels encouraged. She feels appreciated for trying her very best and that I am recognizing her progress (at one point, she asked me to wait 2 days before eating food that was just put in the refrigerator). She feels my faith in her. She feels my love, so very powerful that it sometimes brings tears to her eyes.

She feels accepted just as she is, severe OCD struggles and all. Nothing feels more precious than that, especially when one is struggling mightily.

All that being said, it doesn’t mean I never request my wife to do anything which may bring her outside of her OCD comfort zone. It just means that I accept however she responds, and trust that with all the hard work she is putting into getting well, she will eventually “get there”.

Once again, this message has been sponsored by “the power of acceptance.”

Some Strategies To Decrease Our Suffering

The three strategies I recommend are all meditations.

The meditations are very different from each other. Pick whichever one you are motivated to do in the moment.

The first is a breathing meditation, which will help us gently release those thoughts which create suffering, as opposed to feeding them. I am referring to those stories we tell ourselves that I itemized earlier on in this article.

In the second meditation, we focus our attention on our pain. This will help us build up our tolerance for feeling whatever it is we are feeling, without building a story around it and getting stuck in our storyline.

In the final meditation, we focus on gratitude. This helps us put our pain in perspective.

Breathing Meditation

Focus your attention on your breath, the inhale, and exhale. Inevitably, especially in challenging times, stressful thoughts will pop up. When these thoughts arise, don’t push them away or embrace them. Instead, say to yourself … “just a thought” or any other brief phrase you find that helps you gently release the thought. This acknowledgment will help calm and center you, thereby easing your ability to return your focus to your breath.

Focusing on Your Pain Meditation

In this meditation, you turn towards your pain, allowing yourself to feel whatever comes up. When the pain arises, bring into your awareness a compassionate figure who surrounds you with both love and compassion. For me, my inner parent works very well.

Imagine this figure telling you “Everything will be ok. I’m here for you. We will get through this together.” You may catch yourself crying. That’s perfectly ok. It’s not feeling sorry for yourself. Rather, it’s giving yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling in the moment, without self-judgment. You may even experience it as a cathartic release, and feel better afterward.

Allowing yourself to feel your pain is a vote of confidence that you can handle it, that your pain is not greater than you are, that it does not define who you are. Rather, it is no more than the feeling you are experiencing in the present moment, regardless of how intense it may be.

Gratitude Meditation

Meditate on what you have to be grateful for. Don’t force it or fake it. If it’s helpful, jot down 2 or 3 things you are grateful for, before you begin the meditation. It can be very basic, yet important things you may tend to overlook, such as being healthy, or having loving family and friends, whatever resonates with you in the moment.

Some Final Thoughts and Suggestions

First and foremost, please be self-compassionate. Be patient with yourself. This is not easy work, but there is every reason to be optimistic you will get there.

You are not alone. Experiencing pain through the lens of suffering has been a universal experience since the dawn of time. Be grateful that you have both the awareness and willingness to switch your lens from one of suffering to one of acceptance.

Remember, learning to accept is a practice. At times, especially when you are experiencing excessive pain, you may find yourself taking a step back. Be aware, but don’t be overly concerned. Simply, and somewhat ironically, accept that step backward as no more than part of the process.

Practicing acceptance is a very learnable skill. You have the capability. You will be successful if you stick with it.

You deserve to live as joyful a life as possible, free from unnecessary suffering. As do we all.