The One Thing You’ll Have to Face in Therapy That No One Warns You About

Your healing will cause a ripple effect…and not everyone will like that

Are you in therapy? Beware, friends. Beware.

Maybe you’ve found a new therapist and you’re feeling like you’re making progress for the first time? Maybe you’ve reentered, so to speak, to deal with a new issue in your life and you’re ready to face things head on? Or perhaps this is your very first time and it’s rocking your world (in all the ways)?

First of all, congratulations. It takes a lot of guts to address mental health issues, face trauma, and challenge our thought patterns — especially in a society that shames us for doing so. And what you are doing is not only brave, but incredibly responsible, too. Gold stars all around.

Now that we’ve covered the good stuff, it’s important that we address the harsh truth, too. Therapy is going to change you — often in ways that displease others.

And it’s imperative that you’re prepared for this…

About ten months ago, I lost a valued friendship. I loved my friend very much, but she did something I’ve experienced countless times in my life…and I couldn’t tolerate it anymore.

At the time, I was a year and a half into my latest therapy journey. I’ve been in and out of therapy most of my life due to sexual trauma, emotional abuse, and eating disorders. I was blessed with a few therapists who really helped me dive deeply, but none have been as helpful as the one I started seeing in 2021.

I need to emphasize how hard it was for me to do this. Though it wasn’t about shame — I firmly believe in the benefits of therapy and believe seeking it out when we need it is a responsible, mature move. It was hard because, as a freelancer still making her way in the world, my income is low and I wasn’t sure my insurance would cover it.

As anyone who has been in therapy knows, getting there is more than half the battle. When you are struggling with anxiety, depression, or any other issue, it is incredibly challenging to go through the process of calling your insurance to explore your coverage options, and then researching mental health professionals who will accept that insurance, interviewing them, and choosing the one that feels right.

After a year of extreme pandemic isolation, two catfishing incidents, and an insurrection, my depression and anxiety were off the charts by spring 2021. Further, I had just started dating someone, and I truly wanted to show up as my best self for him.

I’m incredibly proud of the fortitude I demonstrated when I made the choice to pursue therapy again and followed through with it, even struggling as I was.

Ten months ago, after talking to a friend about how much I missed the way we used to talk every day and felt afraid that we were drifting apart (working on expressing my feelings and stating needs), she responded with a list of what she felt were my mental health failings.

I wasn’t particularly surprised — she had poked fun at me for being in therapy before.

What did surprise me, though, was that I couldn’t stand for it anymore. I already have a therapist — I do not need my friends (who are not mental health professionals, I might add) to diagnose me or pathologize my behavior.

I worked with my therapist to compose a script following the principles of Nonviolent Communication. In short, I described my feelings and made a request: Can we agree not to diagnose one another in the future?

For the first time, I felt confident expressing a boundary. My therapist had literally helped me with the right wording, so I felt sure it wasn’t aggressive or manipulative.

Unfortunately, my friend did not agree.

I remained true to my boundary, however, and stepped away from the relationship.

Surprisingly, it felt good. That was the first time I chose myself and my mental health over anything else. I’d been chided and criticized for being in therapy for decades — it was a favorite go-to for friends, family members, and even boyfriends when they wanted to lash out, manipulate a situation, or assert their domination.

And every time I crumbled under the pressure of their words, things went back to the blissful status quo.

The only problem was: the status quo was only blissful for them. I was the one who was suffering.

The end of that friendship taught me an important lesson. Many of the people in our lives do not want us to change. Facing our demons in therapy inevitably brings up their demons. And they won’t like that.

To be fair, they didn’t ask for this. They’re not the ones who sought out therapy. I’m sure they were hoping we’d go off, lie on a couch somewhere, share our darkest secrets, and come back “fixed.” Status quo restored.

But that’s not how therapy works. If we’re doing it right, it will change us. It will change our thinking habits. It will change our behavior.

And that’s when the people around us are going to have to face all their own issues that they’ve been projecting onto us.

I’m sorry to say they’ll use any tactic they think might work. Here are a few to watch out for:

Schoolyard Bullying

They’ll act like a schoolyard bully and make passive-aggressive (or just plain old aggressive) comments about your therapy journey:

• “This seems like it’s more about you…you’re the one in therapy, after all.”
• “If you have an issue with this, why don’t you talk to your therapist about it?”
• “I don’t think this issue really concerns me — you’re the one with mental health problems.”
• “I don’t think we can trust anything you think. You’re the one who needs a therapist to get through life.”
• “Ummm…you’re talking like a crazy person. You might want to bring that up in your next session.”

These are actually incredibly abusive, undermining things to say to a friend, family member, or partner who is in therapy. But thanks to a culture that shames us for pursuing mental health, they not only tend to strike a nerve, but they are generally considered relatively harmless comments — even though those comments are specifically used to hurt, gaslight, and manipulate the recipient.

Diagnosing

This is a favorite tactic, one employed by my former friend. It’s easy to do, thanks to our knowledge of psychological terms, social media memes that attempt to pathologize everything, and a self-help culture that empowers us by teaching us to monitor everyone else’s life choices instead of looking in the mirror.

The people who feel threatened by your growth will try to contain it by treating you like their patient, instead of a loved one.

• “It feels like you’re making a knee-jerk decision based on your anxiety.”
• “Your depression has led you down some pretty bad paths in the past. Have you considered meds?”
• “You keep complaining that you want to spend more time together, but we both know this is your old struggle with codependency coming up.”
• “Every time you feel threatened, you seem to need to state a boundary, but it really feels like you’re trying to control me.”
• “The way you’ve been prioritizing your own needs lately has got me concerned. I’m starting to feel like you’re demonstrating narcissistic personality disorder. All the signs are there.”

In truth, even the people closest to us (especially the people closest to us) are not capable of diagnosing our mental health and have no right to pathologize our behavior. If they want to express and uphold a boundary around their future involvement with you, great. But diagnosing and pathologizing are tactics of manipulation.

Straight Up Gaslighting

When things start to reach a breaking point in relationships, people will often pull out the biggest gun they have. They recognize that it’s their last option.

Be prepared for this one because it’s rough.

They’ll tell you therapy has changed you — and not in a good way. They don’t recognize you anymore. Something’s off. Something’s…wrong. They’re concerned about you. They’re deeply worried.

The more I have pulled back from non-reciprocal relationships, the more I have heard people’s “concern” that therapy seems to be having a dangerous effect on me. It’s making me self-involved and apathetic, people have said. They remind me that I’m a naturally giving, generous, gentle, forgiving person. They don’t recognize this woman who prioritizes herself and holds firm boundaries. It’s not the real me, they tell me.

Hell, even Prince William did this to his brother, which you’ll know if you’ve read Prince Harry’s memoir, Spare. It’s a very popular tactic.

And it’s incredibly insidious.

Stand firm. Stay strong.

I have to admit, I always thought the endgame of therapy was supposed to be me, the way I used to be…just without all the anger, resentment, depression, and anxiety. It didn’t really occur to me until well into this journey that the person I used to be was the person I was conditioned to be. It was the person I became in order to win people’s love and validation. It was the person I had to be to protect myself from further abuse. The person I had to be in order to make my relationships function with any sense of normalcy.

That wasn’t the real me, at all.

Identifying who you are and growing into that person is going to upset others. Not everyone. But a lot of people. And not all of them will handle it well. Many will continue projecting their issues onto you and do their best to derail you.

I wish it didn’t have to be this way. Healing is hard enough.

But remember, you aren’t here to be the person that made their lives easier or more comfortable. You are here for yourself.

So be proud of yourself for taking this journey and stay on the path.

Eventually, those who would try to shake you off it are going to have to face their own demons — and maybe get a therapist of their own. And their journey will be all the easier because of the one you already took.

© Yael Wolfe 2023

Yael Wolfe is a writer, artist, and photographer. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com. If you love her writing, leave her a tip over at Ko-fi.

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