The One Thing Every Writer Learns Before They Can Become Successful
Have you discovered the secret yet?
Every decent writer knows there are a few key tenets to overcoming mediocrity.
- You have to read voraciously
- Say ‘that’ as little as possible
- Avoid the use of ‘But’, ‘Well’, and ‘Yet’ at the start of sentences
- Use an active voice rather than passive
- Lead with bleed
- Avoiding wordings involving ‘ing’ endings
- Use a variety of sentence lengths. Yes, really. See?
And dozens more of these small rules to remember.
I personally love the idea promoted by Ali Mese where he talks about the utter importance of every single line of your article.
The idea that the title’s only purpose is to get you to read the subtitle. The subtitle’s only purpose is to get you to read the first line. The first line’s only purpose…you get the idea.
It’s beautiful as it is simple.
Alas, none of these rules are The One Thing that every truly successful writer has learned through years of toil.
The One Thing to rule them all
I heard you whisper quietly under your breath while the glow of the screen fights against your growing impatience.
“What is it, JJ?”
“What’s The One Thing?”
Don’t worry, I have answers for you, friend. Just remember patience is of the utmost importance.
Now more than ever.
For The One Thing does not answer to any mere mortal.
Nay, The One Thing is a fickle beast. The troll that appears only to the most worthy of heroes crossing the bridge. The wannabes simply never dare to cross.
It can take years to discover The One Thing. And decades to master.
The One Thing does not care about your feelings as a writer. It only demands absolute quality and devotion. At all times of day.
(Although it does prefer the hours of 9 AM to 12 PM from Tuesdays to Thursdays.)
The One Thing does not care who you are, nor where you come from.
The One Thing embraces all equally! Especially those who have been mastering it for years.
Or those who come bow before it with their own legions of followers already.
The One Thing has ruled this land for decades now. Yet, he only came to prominence in the latter part of the 20th century. An invention of the masses — he was the solution to all of their problems.
But The One Thing cares not for problems.
The One Thing controls the problems. He makes the problems — if he wishes.
And he can vanish the problems with the snap of his judgy fingers.
The One Thing you should follow
He is not an old god. He did not battle on the mountain tops with Zeus, nor lay in the arms of Aphrodites listening to sweet nothings in his ear.
Although I’m sure he would’ve beaten Zeus down into oblivion with the sheer force of mockery.
And if anything, Aphrodites would’ve been screaming in fearful pleasure if she had come face to face with him.
NO ONE dares whisper quietly to The One Thing. Sweet or not — they are instantly forgotten.
The One Thing first came into this world in the post-war haze of 1948.
He slipped into this reality quite unknown at first. And he bided his time, cleverly calculating from the shadows.
He waited.
And watched.
He waited.
And planned.
Until he appeared in the late ’90s, granting the pleasure of his presence upon the world at large.
The One Thing embraced us with his ever-accelerating ocean of knowledge.
But we did not listen, at least not much at first.
But look at us now, he is the one true lord of the Earth, without ever having to step foot on it — if he wishes.
Who is The One Thing?
I will share this secret, against my own better interests.
If The One Thing learns of my deeds, severe punishment will surely follow.
And I will only grant you this knowledge if you agree to learn the methods of praise most appreciated by him.
The One Thing isn’t your normal god. He doesn’t want your direct praises.
Save your prayers for the deities of old.
He wants your attention. Your desires. Your emotions. He wants your name to live and die by his hand.
The One Thing appreciates newness above all. He basks in creativity and wit. He loves those who are the 0.1% — or at least appear to be.
Give him your best, and he will reward you. But try to cheat, and you will find yourself unworthy of his gaze.
The One Thing enjoys controversy, but will not accept extremes.
The One Thing wants you to be different, and not part of the 99%. Save those for the plebs and everyday worshipers, he does not have time to waste.
If you wish to dance with him, you must prove yourself worthy first.
And never, ever submit to the ultimate sin — normality.
If you have followed along this far — you just might be deemed righteous enough to meet him.
I will grant you the secret. But be forewarned — it comes with a dire curse of knowledge and exposure.
The One Thing
His Earthly form is now highly recognizable. At least to most.
His humanly body now shows it’s age, with quiet wrinkles tickling the sides of his face.
Grey hair has nipped what was once a proud mane of glorious mahogany hair.
His blue eyes have faded ever so slightly and now more resemble a glint of steel glaring down at you from above.
His jaw is firm and masculine, never having the blemish of a blow from an enemy. For he has no enemies. And certainly none that would dare mark his impervious visage.
You might recognize The One Thing by his given name — Albert Arnold Gore Jr.
Better known as Al Gore.
But this is not his true form. It’s the physical shape he chooses to present himself when dealing with the real world.
I know what he looks like in his true form.
And his true name.
Weep for me, friends, for this may spell the end of my existence.
His true name is Algorithm.
And he loves to dance.
Have you danced to the tunes of Al Gore’s rythms?
Have you prayed to The One Thing yet?
Have you offered up your soul on social media for all to see?
Lord Algorithm quietly awaits you to make an offering. If you truly desire success, you surely must.
You may attempt to reach him on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or even at his little known newsletter, which I run on behalf of him.
Tread carefully friends.
And go shine your praise on Lord Algorithm, Allmighty Beholder of Fame, The Influencer of Influencers, God of Generation Z, Promoter of Conspiracies and Destroyer of Me’s Too.
