The One Rule My Husband and I Follow During an Argument
It’s the key to a healthy, win-win relationship.
Most of you know what it’s like to have a great relationship— until you have that first argument, then the second, and the third. As the arguments stay unresolved, the more sour your relationship gets til you feel miles apart from each other.
Arguing in a relationship is part of being a couple. But, what can we do to ensure both sides don’t harbor resentment that could end the relationship?
The win-lose situation
My husband and I have been together for six years. We’ve gone through the usual ups and downs like most relationships.
There was a time in our lives when arguments turned into competition. It would turn ugly. I’d raise my voice and tell him why he was wrong and I was right and vice versa.
We’d argue to the point where we didn’t know what the hell we were arguing about in the first place. He’d distance himself and I’d feel a deep hole in the pit of my stomach.
For a few days, things would remain awkward. We’d sleep with our backs turned to each other. We’d utter a sentence or two out of necessity. Eventually, we’ll make up. But, unresolved issues would build up on top of each other.
This cycle continued till one day my husband said something that turned the tide.
The win-win situation
I don’t remember what we were arguing about. I just know how hellbent I was on trying to be right. Then out of the blue, he said:
I’m sorry I made you feel bad. I hate it when I hurt you. I’m really sorry.
I was speechless. I must have looked like a deer in headlights. I eventually managed to say, “Yeah, I felt really bad.”
“I’m sorry, babe. I love you and never want to hurt you on purpose,” he said. With that, all the past hurt and resentments melted. I felt lighter. The next words easily flowed out of my mouth:
It’s okay, babe. Thanks for saying that. I’m sorry too that I hurt your feelings.
Can you guess what happened?
The importance of validation
In 1990, psychologist John Gottman and his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington studied thousands of couples to figure out what makes relationships work.
They invited 130 newlyweds to spend a day at their “Love Lab,” which was decorated like a bed and breakfast, so they could watch how they interacted. Gottman began to notice a pattern. Throughout the day, partners would make small, insignificant requests to connect with each other.
For example, a wife would look out the window and say, “Wow, check out that bird!” She was commenting on the bird, but she was also looking for her husband to connect with her through shared interest or appreciation.
Gottman refers to these requests for connection as “bids.” The husbands either responded positively (Wow, that’s a nice bird!) or negatively (What an ugly bird) or passively (Yeah, that’s nice, dear).
Gottman calls these positive responses “turning toward” and negative/passive responses “turning away”. He followed up with the couples after six years.
The couple who had divorced had “turning-toward-bids” 33 percent of the time — that’s only 3 out of 10 attempts — where a connection was reciprocated with interest.
Couples who remained together had “turning-toward-bids” 87 percent of the time — that’s nearly 9 times out of 10 — where they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
Now, here’s the mega cool part.
Through these observations, Gottman could predict with up to 94 percent accuracy whether couples — gay or straight, poor or rich, childless or not — will break up, together but unhappy, or together and happy several years later.
He found that what it comes down to is whether the couples bring “kindness and generosity” or “contempt, criticism, and hostility” into the argument.
It looks like my husband had figured out the code for a happy, win-win relationship. Basically, he decided that the relationship was more important than being right. In turn, I felt heard and that calmed my fire.
The rule
Since then, my husband and I have started incorporating the rule of validating. It helps us resolve arguments faster without the residue of resentment.
So, how does validating work? Relationship coach Michael S. Sorensen says effective validation has two main components:
- It identifies the emotion they’re feeling.
- It shows that you understand why they’re feeling it.
For example, let’s say your partner tells you she feels like you don’t care about her when you come home late from work. The natural response is to be defensive and say:
I do care about you. You know that. It’s not like I’m working late ‘cuz I want to. Who’s gonna pay the rent if I don’t work? Maybe you could start working too, then I wouldn’t have to work so late.
It’s tempting to offer assurance or advice but research shows that it's important to validate first before anything else.
The best way is to say:
I’m sorry I make you feel like I don’t care about you. I would feel the same way too if you had to work late all the time.
Notice the difference?
- It identifies the emotion they’re feeling (I don’t care about you).
- It shows that you understand why they’re feeling it (I would feel the same way).
When you shift from defense mode to showing that you hear and understand where your partner is coming from, you strengthen the relationship.
The takeaway
To recap, don’t give any advice or assurance. Give validation first.
It’s easy to fall victim to the pull of wanting to win during an argument. The loving parts of ourselves get overpowered by our ego.
That’s okay.
My husband and I slip up once in a while. But, we’re aware that we slipped up. When that happens, we apologize and pick up where we left off. You may not get it right every time, but if you get it right sometimes, that’s a great start.