The One Question You’ll Want To Ask Every Potential Partner

Their answer could be revealing

Dating is awkward. Anyone who says differently is lying — to themselves at the very least. It’s difficult to get to know someone new, and it’s made more difficult by the advent of dating sites where conversation starters often feel both forced and fake.

I can carry on a conversation, but even I find it challenging to come up with interesting openings or intriguing responses when I’m talking to a new person. I know already that I am a fascinating person, but I don’t always know how to communicate it in a way that feels authentic. I know that I’m not the only one to struggle with this, and it can be difficult to find genuine connection when we’re all trying so damn hard to maintain the flow of a stimulating conversation.

A recent date inspired my new dating technique.

The man volunteered the following piece of information. He told me which Jane Austen man he finds most relatable.

My mind was blown! Firstly, he reads Jane Austen. Secondly, he reads. I was so caught up in those two facts that I didn’t fully absorb the other information that was provided. Of course, it could just be that he’s watched the movies rather than read the books, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

The character he most identifies with is what Ms. Austen would likely refer to as a cad. Volunteering the information that he is like one of the more feckless Austen suitors should have been a red flag, but I was still marveling at the first two facts. I should have known that I would be stood up for a date because I’d already been told that he vibes with one of the flakiest leading men in the Austen world. Having that confirmed shouldn’t have been a surprise.

An Informal Investigation

At lunch with my best male friend, I asked him which literary character is most relatable to him, and he only had to think for a minute to land on one. To be fair, he is a librarian so I already know that he reads. It made me smile because he chose a character that I also relate to strongly. He picked Anne of Green Gables for her imagination, independence, and sensitivity. As both he and Anne are both gingers, I imagine her temper might also be a factor in the comparison.

It was a great answer! If I didn’t know him, it would tell me that he’s read a book, what kind of books he reads, and what kind of person he is — or at least how he sees himself. It’s an incredibly insightful question. The answer can reveal that they don’t actually read, or it can give us a little peak into their self-identity. Either way, there’s information to be gleaned from it.

I loved this experiment so much that I asked a couple of friends. They all had great answers even if it took them a while to come up with one. It would have told me so much about them even if I didn’t already know them. Plus, it was fun. I ended up having interesting literary conversations because I cared enough to ask.

What Their Character Says About Their Character

Just don’t do what I did and overlook the answer they give you because you’re impressed with their reading choices. In point of fact, this man told me that he used to relate to Heathcliff. Honestly, I find Heathcliff to be repugnant, an anti-hero that I don’t see as remotely romantic. The fact that he saw himself transitioning from Bronte’s Heathcliff to Austen’s Willoughby indicated a lot about his personal growth but should still have been a warning sign. After all, it’s unlikely he’ll develop from a Willoughby into the more-admirable Darcy.

In truth, I admired his honesty and self-awareness. It was refreshing. If only I had been truly listening!

I don’t believe that people are projects. Everyone deserves to be loved for exactly who they are. But, in the words of Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

We need to believe what they’re telling us about themselves, especially if it doesn’t align with what we’re looking for. This isn’t the time to spin an alternate meaning or translate what they’re saying in a more favorable light. It’s the time to listen, to truly understand them, and to decide if we’re willing to love them exactly as they are or if what we’re hearing means they aren’t a good match for us.

It was probably revealing that he volunteered this information but didn’t ask about the characters I find most relatable. He was telling me in many ways who he was as a person, but he was also showing limited interest in learning who I was. I’ve had relationships with people quick to assume who I am with no interest in getting to know the real me. I’m not interested in spending time with someone who is only interested in the version of me that most reflects themselves.

I’m not making assumptions about his worthiness for love, but I am using the information I’m given to make a determination if this person is right for me. I don’t believe in using people or wasting their time if I already know we aren’t a good fit. I don’t see him as a potential partner, though I haven’t ruled him out as a potential friend. If nothing else, we can talk books.

Honesty and Self-Awareness: A Power Couple

We should all know who we are and be honest about it. The honesty part is often what’s missing in dating, but I have to say that self-awareness also seems to be problematic. Too many people are out there dating with full trauma and issues on display with no idea what they’re really communicating to the rest of us. I’m not being unkind about it; in fact, I was one of those people. It’s only now, in a healthier state, that I can look back and see why healthy people might have swiped left because of what I was unknowingly communicating.

I know myself well enough to be honest now. With that self-awareness in mind, I could easily answer the literary character question and explain why. At least three characters automatically came to mind when I thought about it.

What Our Character Says About Our Character

Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice is probably the character I most identify with, and it’s not hard to see why. I have her independence, her fierce love and defense of others, and sometimes I, too, can rush to judgment. I can also relate to her wealth insecurity and her desire to be more than society sometimes expects her to be.

I also relate to Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre — especially when you consider that I’ve sometimes overlooked the metaphorical crazed wife in the attic. I’ve never participated in infidelity, but I’ve certainly done my share of pretending not to see glaring red flags. Her independence and determination to build a good life despite her struggles resonate deeply with me.

Then there’s Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery. Her sensitivity, imagination, and independence all spoke to me. I’ve never been an orphan, and no one called me Carrots, but I still identified strongly with how deeply Anne (with an E, please) experienced her life.

That probably says a lot about who I am as a person. It’s supposed to. That’s what is so much fun about the question. It speaks volumes about who we think we are, and it can be an indicator of our character. It can be a wonderful conversation starter as long as we genuinely want to hear the answer and not just discuss ourselves. I don’t know that I’ll be asking it at the start of every interaction, but it is something that I want to know now.

What To Read Into It

If it reveals that someone doesn’t read, that’s something I want to know, too. I’m at the point in my life that I want connection on all the levels — not just a superficial one. I want to be able to have deep conversations with the one I’m with, and I don’t know that I could see myself long-term with someone who doesn’t see the need for books in his life. It may not matter for some people, but it’s certainly a fact to consider.

Dating is still awkward. Sometimes, I’m not sure how authentic the process really is when I’m fielding what feels more and more like interview questions rather than naturally flowing conversations. I honestly want to know which Austen suitor every man I meet might be, but since not all of them read Jane’s work, I’d be happy to know any literary character that speaks to their, well, character.

I don’t want to force this question in with all the rest, but I’m genuinely curious. What might it reveal? And will I finally listen without trying to interpret it in my favor? There’s only one way to find out.