The One Advice Every Parent Needs to Hear

A community exercise on sharing knowledge and experience

If you could share one piece of advice with all new parents on the planet, what would it be?

If you’re a parent yourself, close your eyes and think for a moment about all the challenges you have faced and all the joyful moments with your children: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Is there anything that comes to your mind? Something you wished you’d known sooner or advice someone else gave you. Or perhaps even a lesson that you learned the hard way.

If you’re not a parent, think about your parents. What do you wish they had known or done differently?

I asked these questions on TTO’s Discord community, curious to know what other people had to share. What I got was some golden advice that I can’t keep to myself, so I’m going to share them all here with permission from each writer.

Ultimately, though, what I learned is that there isn’t one single piece of advice that will be perfect for every family and every situation. That doesn’t mean it’s terrible advice; it just means it’s not for you. There’s no magic fix or that one thing that will make you the best parent in the world. We must listen to advice and filter out what doesn’t apply to our family. Once you do that, though, you can learn so much from hearing what other people, parents, sons, and daughters, have to say.

Listen to your kids and learn from them

You don’t need kids to have the best advice for parents. The proof is what The Sturg had to say to my question.

So often, we parents think we know what’s best for our kids, and we completely ignore what they have to say. Well, I’m with The Sturg on this one: we should always listen to our kids! They have much to teach us.

“Listen to your kids and reserve judgment when they want to be weird, unique, different, and express themselves outside of the normal gender norms. Also, be kind to your child and don’t assume anything going into a conversation with them. It might also be a learning opportunity for you as well. Obviously, I’m not a parent, and this is easier said than done, but I wish that my parents would’ve taken this approach with me instead of having me live in fear of them 24/7…”

You are but a shepherd to your children

Ahmadou DIALLO ✪ is a father to two young boys, so he knows what he’s talking about. He makes an excellent point when he reminds us that we’re raising our kids to be masters of their world.

“It’s gonna be hard. It’s gonna be fast. There will be ups and downs. Remember that your kids are beings on the rise. Just let them know that you haven’t figured everything out. Tell them that you are a shepherd to them until they can build their worldview. Be present and balance guiding them while letting them be children, wandering on their own universe.”

Help is imperative

I can still remember the first few weeks after having my first daughter. I knew parenting would be challenging, but damn… I never expected it to be that hard. I thought everything would be more automatic, more “natural.” But no… there’s a steep learning curve and no manual.

When a baby is born, so is a parent. Just like their baby, though, they aren’t born knowing everything. That’s valid for both mothers and fathers. So help is indeed imperative, especially in those early weeks and months, as InYah reminds us with her advice.

It’s not for nothing that the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” is so popular. Find your village, and accept all the help you’re offered.

“I would say how imperative it is to receive rest and help during postpartum recovery. As women, our bodies go through changes physically, and that takes a toll on us mentally. We are learning how to nurse while our uterus is constantly contracting. Help is much needed because I think if there were more help involved, maybe we wouldn’t have cases of postpartum depression. I don’t know, but just a theory. My life is no longer mine, and I am at the whim and responsible for this new person who knows nothing about life yet. Talk about pressure, lol. When my children become adults, I will come back and explain everything I learned as a parent because I’m still learning but for me, in those early days, help is imperative.”

It’s about your child and their best interest

Nicole Kinkade reminds us that once you’re a parent, it isn’t about you anymore — it’s about your child and their best interest. Of course, you’re still a part of the equation and should consider your needs and limitations, but you should prioritise your child and their interests when making important decisions.

“It’s not about what you want anymore when you become a parent. It’s about your child and their best interests. You’re not always going to want what you choose, but you do it because it’s what’s best.

“Never ignore your child or push them away, always listen, never criticize their view on life. They’re going to see things differently than you, and that’s okay. They’re of a different generation, and each generation sees the world differently — that’s how we evolve and change. Otherwise new stories would never be created.”

A collective quilt to support growth

Is there One Piece of Advice to rule them all, One Piece of Advice to find them, One Piece of Advice to bring them all and in the darkness bind them? Oops, that turned dark at the end. And perhaps one unique piece of advice would do just the same. Luckily, there’s no such thing as the One regarding parenting advice. Every person is unique, and that goes for you and your child, too. Even something that works for your elder child may not work for the youngest.

So what is a parent to do? Well, Amanda Weir-Gertzog reminds us that we can always listen to what people have to say, creating a lovely collective quilt to support our children’s growth. You filter through the advice, learn from your community, and add empathy.

“What a lovely question! I love reading everyone else’s.

“You know it is hard for me to narrow it down to one succinct piece of advice (or one anything…lol), but if we thread Nicole Kinkade’s listening, with InYah’s care, Ahmadou DIALLO ✪’s presence, and The Sturg’s acceptance into a collective quilt and add empathy? We might all be advocating for our kids to experience lovingly supported growth into their own unique beings.

“My kid provided abundant messages to us as a toddler and preschooler — not all of them verbal, but not quite telekinesis either;) Advocating for the best version of education, health, and social experiences for her is something I will never regret, though it was not a standard or well-worn path”

Restore harmony through your children

The last answer I got was also the most different since it brought a new perspective to the discussion. When we raise kids, we raise them for the world — the values we pass on will be part of their lives and will influence how they go about everything.

Kenny Minker reminds us that if you raise your child to respect and value a certain thing, those values will remain forever and therefore can have a huge impact, much beyond you or your children.

“My answer would be that all children should be raised to be environmentalists. If a kid learns love and respect for nature then they will have those values for a lifetime. If an entire generation had those values then we could restore harmony between people and planet.”

My own answer

I wrote my answer before I asked the question on Discord. I took a different approach to most advice people gave. Perhaps it’s because I struggle as a parent.

I love my kids, and I’m thankful I’m a mother to two amazing little girls. I’m very grateful for this opportunity, but that doesn’t make it easy. I find being a parent very challenging, very hard, and totally all-consuming. So my advice is for other parents who also struggle in their roles.

Here it is: It all passes.

The sleepless nights, the endless feeds, the explosive nappies, the danger naps, the midnight parties. The food on the floor, the scribbles on the wall, the tantrums that seem to have no reason or rhyme. The banana wars, the meltdowns, the endless fighting with their siblings, imaginary friends, or you. The wake-up battles for school in the morning, the fifth warning that it’s time to turn off the TV, and the seventh warning that they need to do their homework. The unanswered phone calls when they’re not home past their curfew, the late nights while they dance with their friends, and the worries about their clothes, friends, hobbies, and futures.

The lovely milky smiles after a feed, the serene expression while they sleep peacefully in your arms. Baby kisses (or are they just looking for their bottles?). The first steps, the first words. Sentences that only you can understand, the first “I love you,” the first “I hate you.” Afternoons watching a favourite cartoon or colouring the fourth picture together. Making play dough sculptures or building Lego towers. Coming into your room in the middle of the night for a cuddle, sharing a kiss on the lips before going to school. Creating their first pictures, drawing you and the whole family. Saying how beautiful you are and how much they want to be like you. Writing their name for the first time, writing a letter for you. Starting a new school, missing old friends, the first love. The first heartbreak or deciding if they want to go to college. Their first job, relationship, their kids. Desperate calls for advice, help, or just a chat.

The good, the bad, the ugly, the wondrous. It all passes.