Is Monogamy Sliding off Its Throne?

Other options seem to fit modern life better, for those brave enough to do the work.

I had to do a hard thing last night. I had to have an adult conversation with one of my partners about something he did that upset me, and he was wrong about. But no one cried, no one yelled, there were no insults. We communicated and we resolved it and made a plan for how we might move forward. It was communicative grace in action, and I’m so grateful for it.

My experience with relationships conflicts in the past though have been stressful, mainly because of the monogamous mindset that if you lose someone you love, your whole life falls apart. That stress is not actually necessary. Being polyamorous has made it a lot easier for me to not freak out.

There are choices, yes, but there is also a perspective that comes along with releasing the death grip on traditional monogamous marriage.

A dire threat? In the past, maybe.

Just like the old idea that you’d have one job for your whole career, the idea that you’ll have one relationship for all of the life stages and inevitable growth is an old and stale one. It wasn't really true for everyone, and it also wasn’t possible.

I believe that some lifelong partnerships are remarkable and nourishing — but I believe they endured because of a sense of change and love and cooperation. Forced lifelong monogamy has mostly led to a lot of suffering in the realm of “I wish I could change something but I can’t because it could lead to divorce.”

{I acknowledge completely that there have been and remain structures of financial oppression that have prevented women from being able to exercise these rights, in particular related to work, credit, banking, wages and physical intimidation.}

Divorce, somehow, became failure. But there are many failures that are much worse, like abuse, neglect, oppression, hate and the crushing of potential. Wasted energy, struggles to try to make incompatibilities work and just plain unhappiness that accumulated instead of serving to spur growth…these are the casualties of compulsory monogamy.

Mono-realism

In the Polyamorists Next Door, author Elizabeth Sheff points out that we don’t currently practice pure monogamy — most people have sex before they are married, with other partners and go on to do so after relationships end, including divorce. This is actually serial monogamy — one partner at a time. However, that is even in question as current surveys have cheating on a partner at around 40 percent, but can be as high as 70 percent and that’s just the people who will admit it to the survey (and themselves.) It likely only includes heterosexual sex, with penetration, and not other forms of sex. It also seems consistent across age ranges.

Monogamy serves the interest of patriarchy and capitalism, in which someone’s sexuality is OWNED by another to ensure the inheritance is biologically secure

If monogamy was natural, we wouldn’t have to work so hard to enforce it, across culture, gender, age and sexuality. “No creature needs to be threatened with death to act in accord with its own nature.” The penalties are severe, and yet people still can’t help themselves.

Read more in Sex at Dawn for in-depth research on the evolutionary biology factors evident in the “unnaturalness” of one partner. (The subhead of the book is: How We Mate, Why We Stray and What It Means for Modern Relationships. It’s a dense read, but worth it.)

A few nuggets:

Monogamy is not found in any social, group-living primate, except — if the standard narrative is to be believed — us. (and, we aren’t even great at it! Extensive primate research was done with biased lenses, and ignores the group that is the most similar to humans, bonobos rather than gorillas.)

Because of private property, for the first time in the history of our species, paternity became a crucial concern. (Monogamy serves the interest of patriarchy and capitalism, in which someone’s sexuality is OWNED by another to ensure the inheritance is biologically secure.)

So, if it’s not natural, biologically or socially, the propaganda presses the “true love” angle instead.

The One? Oh, please.

The idea of finding “the one to complete you” not only stifles your life before marriage, it creates unnecessary struggles within the marriage. You demand that he change, because you need him to — complete you. He demands that you change, because he expected a wife to be something different. You freeze each other out, you become brittle, you scream, you take it out on other people, you indulge in bad habits that damage your health….why do we do this to ourselves?

Because, as people who suffer for years in marriages that don’t suit them, that never really fit, that stifle their growth, know — every time someone tries to change the situation, pressures come in to push you back into the box. (Martha Beck calls these “change-back attacks.”) The failure of a marriage is often a crack in a social circle, in the unity of two families, in the stable schedule of the children, of the required social niceties of school and church acquaintances. (“Let’s not make it awkward! I’d prefer you stay married and suffer in silence!”)

This is where that pressure exerts itself. I know people who hate their husbands, but love their in-laws too much to ever leave the family. Can we just allow more flexible expectations of love and partnership? Can we stop attaching so much pressure to “one relationship to rule them all?” Can we stop expecting that our unhappiness relies on another, and begin to be honest about what we actually want and need? It’s not easy and it upsets people — but the truth will set you free. (“But first it will piss other people off because it’s not convenient!” Isn’t that how the saying goes? JK.)

Many loves, many choices

With more than one love, and more than one supportive person in your family, you can truly make decisions that suit you. Timing can become a much bigger factor than finances or a living situation. You can say, “This is not the right time in my life for you”… but please come back, when you are done with your deployment or when you graduate or when your child is a bit older.

I know that it stresses out traditionalists that many people are advocating for new relationship structures, coming on the heels of sexual spectrums and gender fluidity. The fact is, people can still choose those traditional options, but the existence of other options may be more appealing. (But, wouldn’t you prefer to marry a heterosexual person who is sure that’s what they want? Better investment in the long run than someone who thinks that’s the only option.)

You can support yourself and include people in your life who share your vision. I am coming around to this idea that we should build our lives around our work, and our friends and our families of creation. The “urban tribe” and the platonic family…they do exist and the pandemic has made it even clearer that we need one. (See Mia Birdsong’s amazing book How We Show Up.)