The Not-Will-Smith Diary the Day after the “Oscar Slap”

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Abstract

nce <i>After Earth.</i></p><p id="8dfe">All that, “he can’t satisfy me” — bullshit! I got size 13 feet! I was in MIB 1, 2 and 3.</p><p id="228a">Death by a thousand cucks! You embarrass a man enough times, take away his manhood on national television, and his candy ass is gonna blow. Lucky I was only in a slapping mood. Lucky I wasn’t filming Ali, getting all method up in his grill. Lucky i’m Phil Smith! Ain’t nobody removing my ass from no awards ceremony!</p><p id="f9c0">All that money, all that counselling, those red table interviews… all it took was a simple “oops up side your head” at an awards ceremony and i’m out of the guest room and back sleeping on the king size. Maybe I owe that fool of a comedian a thank you.</p><p id="c71c">Jane says she wished I never slapped him — yeah right! I see how her pupils dilated when she looked at me afterwards; the same way they do when she looks at them rappers. She wanted me to do it! She needed me to do it.</p><p id="f5f4">Can’t satisfy her — my ass!</p><p id="0711">I’m picking out the holiday this year, i’m choosing date-night’s restaurant. And. I’m. In. Charge. Of. The. Grill. At. Cookout! Your sorry ass is on bun-buttering duty, August! The fresh king of Hollywood is back!</p><p id="6136">…</p><p id="b9b8">…</p><p

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id="d654">I’ll apologise to everyone first.</p><div id="755c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@Adam.James./list/9d2a5f8df1a1"> <div> <div> <h2>Diaries from the rich and famous</h2> <div><h3> </h3></div> <div><p>from the rich and famous medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*0e77f76fb909b1f70a1f8285c2d044dda21d60c3.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="3897" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@Adam.James./membership"> <div> <div> <h2>Join Medium with my referral link - Adam James</h2> <div><h3>As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*sftCzo--6TonoLLD)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

The thoughts, hopes and dreams of a famous actor the day after his cause célèbre at an awards ceremony.

Well, one of us managed to sleep. Fuck! It’s all a mess. I’m a Goddamn wild man!

She looks at me differently now. Her eyes bother to follow me. No more invisible Phil. She made me pancakes today. Pancakes! She can’t cook for shit, but i’ll take shitty pancakes over nothing any day. You can’t work on nothing! There’s nowhere to go on nothing. Shitty pancakes mean something. You can get to respect from shitty pancakes.

It only took losing my shit in front of the whole world to be a something to her. Can’t believe I did it… where did it come from? Who was that person? I haven’t been angry like that since After Earth.

All that, “he can’t satisfy me” — bullshit! I got size 13 feet! I was in MIB 1, 2 and 3.

Death by a thousand cucks! You embarrass a man enough times, take away his manhood on national television, and his candy ass is gonna blow. Lucky I was only in a slapping mood. Lucky I wasn’t filming Ali, getting all method up in his grill. Lucky i’m Phil Smith! Ain’t nobody removing my ass from no awards ceremony!

All that money, all that counselling, those red table interviews… all it took was a simple “oops up side your head” at an awards ceremony and i’m out of the guest room and back sleeping on the king size. Maybe I owe that fool of a comedian a thank you.

Jane says she wished I never slapped him — yeah right! I see how her pupils dilated when she looked at me afterwards; the same way they do when she looks at them rappers. She wanted me to do it! She needed me to do it.

Can’t satisfy her — my ass!

I’m picking out the holiday this year, i’m choosing date-night’s restaurant. And. I’m. In. Charge. Of. The. Grill. At. Cookout! Your sorry ass is on bun-buttering duty, August! The fresh king of Hollywood is back!

…

I’ll apologise to everyone first.