The (Not So) Subtle Art Of Turd Polishing. Many Thanks To John Stewart For Putting A Name To That.
I remember the first time I became aware of (what came to be known as) turd polishing. It was several decades ago. A local news reporter was doing a feature on school security. He spent the day wandering in and out of several schools. First with a hidden camera, then with his cameraman in plain view. His goal was to shine a light on the fact that no one in Authority stopped them to inquire who he was or what he was doing there.
Toward the end of the piece, he tracked down the Principal of one of the schools. He showed her the video they’d amassed and asked why no one had taken the time to confirm who they were, and whether or not they should be there.
I thought to myself, “Oooh, this doesn’t look good for her at all”
She put a big smile on her face, placed her hands firmly on her hips, and with a voice one uses for an Elementary School child who did a “good job”, said triumphantly, “Well; I want to THANK YOU for pointing that out to me!” And then, let that just …. hang there, along with the smile on her face. Wait, …. wh-a-a-a-t? I almost heard the sound of a record scratch in my head. I became slightly disoriented. Did she not know that he had pointed out a bad thing to her? She’s the Principal, this can’t be right. She had to know that, didn’t she?
That was some mightily impressive conversational Jiu-Jitsu right there ….
My mind ran through a list of things I thought she should have said. “Ohhh, damn, that’s not good. I’ll have to get to the bottom of that” Orrrr …. “Wow, that’s really not good. I’ll have to figure out where we dropped the ball” Orrr …. “I screwed up. whoever’s in charge of Security isn’t doing their job, and it’s my fault for letting it happen” Orrr, Orrr, ORRR…. (Pretty much anything else.) Then …. then is when you thank a person for revealing your screw-up to you.
And, to be clear, I’m not suggesting this was a Gender-specific problem. The Principal just happened to be a Woman. Being a (mostly wannabe) writer all my life, I’ve developed an eye for grammatical errors. Years ago, in Downtown Minneapolis, there was a bar/nightclub called Jukebox Saturday Night. It was pretty much the IT bar in town. The place to be. The closest thing we had to a Studio 54. Prince showed up on opening night. I saw him there. (I just happened to be downtown catching a movie). Believe me, I wasn’t a local music scene insider.
It was a bit amusing. The DJ yelled “Jukebox Saturday Night welcomes PRI-I-I-I-NCE !!!” Everyone started glancing all around, and couldn’t see him. (He was kinda short) I spied his bodyguard, (Big Chick) and moved toward him. Prince walked right by me, smiling and high fiving people as he moved through the crowd. Afterward, he stood on the sidewalk for a pretty fair amount of time, talking to anyone who came up. I noticed him fiddling with the ends of his fingers.
“I’ll be damned, he’s shy” I thought. I marveled at how someone shy could get up on stage in front of the World.
A few days later, I was walking past the place in the daytime. I noticed they had some fake Gold Records embedded in the sidewalk as decoration. (Anyone younger than 50, ask an older person what a record is) One of them was You Send Me by Sam Cook. ….??? Whoa! Let’s back that train up a bit. Sam…. who? Nah-uh, There is no Sam Cook. There is, however, a Sam Cooke. I looked up, and cocked my eyebrow at the Doorman. (They had a Doorman!) He seemed bored, I smiled at him.
“Hey Yo!”
“Yes Sir, what’s up?” (They had a doorman, and he called me Sir!)
“I think you got a problem here” He smiled again. Intrigued, he started walking toward me.
“What would that be Sir?”
“Well, this record has the last name spelled wrong. There’s supposed to be an E on the end of it” He looked down at it.
“Are you sure?”
“Yep”
A grin spread slowly across his face. “Ohhh, ho, ho, ho…. This is gonna drive Steve nuts. He’s real particular about details. Stay here, I’ll get him right now” He hustled off.
A minute or so later, Steve appeared with another guy, who looked like a musician. Steve did indeed seem perturbed. The two of them looked at the offending record for a few seconds. Steve looked to the musician, turned his head slightly, and raised his eyebrows. The musician guy gave him a nod. Steve pondered the heinous disgrace yet again, then glanced towards me. Acknowledging me for the first time, he flashed a big fake smile. “Well HEY!, thanks for pointing that out to us buddy, have a good day” whilst giving me a little chuck on the shoulder. He spun on his heels, and disappeared inside.
The musician winked and smiled. “Good eye dude”, and sauntered inside.
I smiled back, thinking it was a little funny that Steve felt the need for the big fake show. Why? …. for a punk kid of 23 who he’d never see again? Was he a little insecure, or was he bothered by looking dumb in front of anyone?
A-a-a-nd of course, the Masters of turd polishing are Politicians. The purveyors of everlasting spin……
“Good morning Governor, you came in 9th out of a field of 10, what do you think your chances are?”
BIG smile “Well Jake, we were expected to come in last, so I think this shows we have great momentum going forward”
Uh-huh
The trouble with that one, of course, is that it gets a teeny bit harder to maintain the pretense of enthusiasm the further along the election cycle you progress.
“Thanks for taking the time for us Governor. You said, the last time we talked; that you thought you had great momentum going forward. That was 6 Primaries ago, and you’re still next to last of the remaining candidates. Do you still believe you have great momentum?”
“Nice shirt there Jake, Your Mom still picking out your clothes for you?”
“Okay! Well …. thanks again for your time, Governor Christie”
Walk with me a few minutes. Honestly now, wouldn’t it be best for all involved if we just bit the bullet and told the truth? (Don’cha think?)
So why do people do it? Because you don’t have to admit you’re wrong, or say I’m sorry”
The irony is, even though it’s a little painful up front to expose yourself to ridicule, in the long run you come out looking better. You’ll be seen as someone who’s forthright, secure in their person. Who’ll say and do the right thing, even if it causes them short term pain. An upright citizen, not concerned solely with their welfare, but for the welfare of all people, everywhere in the World. Regardless of Race, Creed, Gender, (assigned or chosen), economic status, what they look like, who they associate with, how they dress, worship, or raise their kids.
WAIT !!! I know ….
The ANTI …… TED CRUZ !!!!!!!!!!!
Be Good Everyone,
-Mark Rockford-