NOVEL

The Night I Freed Myself

The Love We Had, Chapter 28

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28

Searching for a purpose, combatting the anger inside me

The next days, the next weeks come towards me as in a haze. I’m trying to look back on what has been, but everything I can see is a diffuse landscape and sometimes small human beings moving in this landscape.

And I see them through a vague mist, through some kind of strange haze which has spread throughout the landscape and which enables me to watch with peace in my mind those little people. And I see them through this haze, through some sort of strange filter, which allows me to hold onto this picture as I try to live on.

I manage to keep my anger inside me. I hold it locked behind an iron door. I need to keep it at distance. I talk to myself, serious and earnest trying to persuade myself, calm down, try to think positive thoughts — well-intentioned encouragements and messages. And I let it happen, what the doctor has been talking about. I know it inside me, I think, that’s right, I know with just every fiber in my body — this is right, I think this is how it must be.

I put a thick line over the voices inside me, over the warning that there was something here that was not entirely good. My relationship with Lars, his relationship with me — I should have seen it, I should have noticed it. He was himself enough, he was not really interested in me and what I struggled with.

And yet I lay down together with him, yet I received him. I let him come and go, I let him believe that I wanted the same as him. I acted according to the recipe, obeyed to what had been my doctor’s advice: have new child, as soon as possible.

I noticed it very early. No problem getting pregnant again, it was no art. But I also fast noticed the other thing. There was now a new distance between me and him, he who should stand closest to me. I and him, side by side in the kitchen, side by side in the double bed.

There was a distance, more distance, and distance again. — It wasn’t that I didn’t try. It wasn’t that he didn’t try. Both he and I tried. But it was in vain. It was of no help. It was not life made.

But to say it exactly like that is not entirely correct because after the nine months came the little Sander boy. This little boy who came in place of her who could not live. And it should be happiness, great happiness, family happiness. And I managed to play the game. I played the game, at least for the first few days.

But soon, too soon, most of the world around me began to lose colour. I first noticed it as a grayscale that lay like a filter all over the place. Then it started to blacken, and it seemed as if a nightmare had subsided in my mind, throwing dark shadows over everything that moved.

He’s not the worst

He is my husband. He is the one I have chosen. And he is not the worst I could have gotten. He is not a bad person. He does what he thinks he must do. What he thinks he should do.

That’s right. He does as best he can. — Or almost, I feel that I have to add. He is who he is, he is himself. And I had finally started thinking that I should stand up for this joint project. I will contribute, I will give it all I have to give. It should not depend on me. It really shouldn’t.

And yet — sometimes I get so tired. I have a kind of feeling of apprehension.

Because it is not okay as he is, Lars, my husband. It is not good enough, the way he is against me. He doesn’t care, he does not always take me seriously when I need it, when I need him. I start little by little to see it clearer. I can start thinking my own thoughts now without him coming in and deciding. I no longer feel that anxiety, the turmoil that came creeping because I knew he was always there. I knew he could always come into the room, he would take command, he would say it in his self-assured way that we do it like this, that’s it, yes, like this and there is nothing to discuss at all.

I have no clue, he says. I know nothing, so just keep quiet. Because I am nothing worthwhile, I am lost behind a chair. I’m stupid in my head, I am nobody and I can just keep still, for what I say has no value, no interest.

It may not be exactly word by word what he said to me. He maybe used a little different words, maybe he said it in a little more careful way, a little more taken for granted, but the tone was there.

Maybe he didn’t mean it that way either, not so judgmental, not so sour and sarcastic, not so superior. But that was how he could be, that’s how he appears, that’s how he leaves an impression with me and with others; he’s the one who knows, he is the one who can, and I am just a small, unaware, naive person — and that kind of things.

I’m Eira

I’m Eira. I am the woman he met, that he was in love with, which he loved during all these years, I thought.

But how do I know that he loved me all these years? Was it because he was there next to me in light and heavy moments, because he held onto me in thick and thin as his spouse, his wife?

And how do I know that it is the end now? Is it because he is no longer there, next to me, in heavy and light moments, in thick and thin? Is it because he no longer holds onto me as his spouse, his wife? Because it is not like that, I know.

He still wants to be mine. He still wants me to be the only one he has, maybe even in thick and thin.

He still wants me, I think, wants me at least sometimes I think, but he almost never shows it anymore. He doesn’t say it anymore as he said it before. He doesn’t show it to me anymore, not like he could show it to me. Show me that he loves me.

I’ve tried to get him to talk. I tried the good way. But it was not easy. I tried to make something good for supper after the kids had been put to bed. It should just be us, lights on the table and there should be a good atmosphere. But then he is only interested in TV and wants to watch TV all the time. As soon as we finish the meal, he goes and sits in front of the TV, and when I tell him something, he just gnaws in response and says, “Really? Oh yes! Yes then!”

I have been trying for many years actually. I have tried to do the right thing, but he has only become more and more distant. It’s like he does not understand what I’m talking about when I talk about us together as a couple. For the most part, it’s just what happens in bed, and suddenly he is finished. He’s done and then he goes away, he sits in the living room and watches TV and it is not possible to have a conversation, a proper conversation with him because he watches the TV and answers only vaguely and unconcentrated.

One night the cup was full for me. I had cooked a meal for him and me. He came and ate, but he did not appreciate it. That night I felt as lonely as so many times before. He was downstairs, in his own universe, busy with his things.

I was awake all that night. I went out, and I stayed away until the next night. And there was a clear reason for it. Before it happened, he had been annoyed with me, and I felt rejected. It’s sometimes like that — when I come to him, it happens that he just rejects me, and I find that very offensive.

So, when I went out that night, it actually went well even if I had not planned it. I had not in advance planned a place to go. The situation was just absolutely awful. I went out with a chaos inside me and if it had not been for the fact that I had known him, if it had not been for the fact that I knew where he lived and that his partner actually now was away, traveling in her job, I do not know where I would have gone. I do not know where I would have ended up. I probably would not have done the worst against myself, because I think about my kids and my kids need me, and the last thing I want them to experience, it’s something as bad as that. So, I’m sure of that.

I was with him that night and I stayed in his flat the whole next day while he was at work. I felt really horrible, I felt I was a bad person. I knew that Lars would be very nervous, and that he would be completely out of his mind. But I did not care. The worst thing was with the kids, because they could become anxious if Lars fed them with the ‘right’ things, and showed them that he was afraid.

Going away like this was something I’ve never done before. I lay in his bed all night and the whole next day. I was angry, I was so enormously disappointed with Lars. I thought that now I should punish him. I’m going to stay away for the rest of this day and then we’ll see what he says afterwards. I was thinking that it’s good for him experiencing being a little scared of me. He can get a little shocked, because with the way he has been against me lately, he does not deserve better.

All this and more I told Aslak, and he looked at me, but he did not say much. He listened to me and supported me in the morning, when he got up to go to work, and I said I would stay here until he came home from work this afternoon.

The story that the novel tells takes place in a small industrial town at the end of a fjord in western Norway. The story being told and the characters are fictional.

The photos included in the chapters are taken on location in Odda and in the Odda Smelter (Odda Smelteverk, 1906–2003), the carbide factory that is part of the story.

The Love We Had

Part 1 The Longest Night -chapters 1–3, told by Lars. Part 2 The Light Inside -chapters 4–17, told by Aslak. Part 3 Save Our Secret Love -chapters 18–48, told by Eira.

For quick access to all chapters, go here.

Previous chapter: 27 The Darkest Day in My Life

Next: Chapter 29 Dear Husband

Øivind H. Solheim writes fiction, essays and articles aiming to help others understanding life, other humans and themselves. He has published five novels, two non-fiction books and a poetry book.

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