The Nice Girl

A role with a limited shelf life…

The nice girl is someone who everyone turns to whenever they have a problem. She always has a smile on her face and is pleasant to be around. She will take on extra work, responsibilities and even take the blame without questioning because she takes care of other people’s needs and happiness before her own. She is caring, loving and always forgiving.

Although these sound like admirable traits on the surface, many times its at the expense of her own energy, time, boundaries and happiness. It’s a role that’s been crafted by pressures from society. This often leads to living a life for others without ever being able to expose her own pain, vulnerability, and imperfection.

Not only is upholding this image for others exhausting, but it’s not realistic and often gets in the way of discovering her own unique identity.

I know this because I played the role of a nice girl. For a very long time.

Somewhere along the road of my life I adopted this “nice girl” role because I thought the validation from other people somehow added more to my self-worth.

Most of us feel the pressure to look, act and be a certain way because we live in a society. We have pressures from our families, bosses, coworkers, and even just people around us. Sometimes this can feel like we’re getting tugged in a million different directions.

As a nice girl, I tried my best to please everyone around me. Not only is this not sustainable, but it’s downright impossible. I think somewhere along the road, I realized that the recognition and the appreciation that I was gaining was just not worth what I was giving up. I was giving up my peace of mind and being able to live my life at my own pace.

I do think that we need more niceness in the world today and most of us are privileged enough to be able to spare our time, our money, our energy and our resources with others.

At the same time, I think it’s important to ask the right questions. Are we being sincere? Or are we just doing it for recognition and validation? By saying “yes” is it getting in the way of living a life that feels true to us?

I’ve noticed that playing this nice girl role has a limited shelf life. What I’m really working towards is being genuinely kind while respecting myself. I think it’s possible to do that.

One of the most effective ways to do this is to set clear boundaries. At work, this may mean turning down or delegating your workload, making yourself available only between certain hours or leaving work at work when you go home.

When I started working in sales, I had to give out my personal number and clients would call me at any time of the day. I was getting overwhelmed and really burnt out. Although I blamed them, I never set the boundaries and I was never clear about when they can reach me and when I was off limits. How would they know if they had crossed the line?

This became a pattern in my personal life as well. I’ve been hurt and manipulated because I didn’t set those clear boundaries and I didn’t communicate it effectively.

I’ve learned (the hard way) that setting boundaries is crucial for our mental and emotional well-being. It’s also beneficial for others too. When things are crystal clear, it takes away the confusion and the guessing game. It’s actually being nice.

I think it would be a shame and such a wasted opportunity if we spend a whole lifetime going by what others expect of us. We would be missing a chance to unveil what could be a beautiful story.