The New Rules Of Chivalry And Romance
Chivalry isn’t dead, it’s just evolving.
When I first started writing more than a decade ago, I began what was called “The New Chivalry Movement.”
I even had black and white wristbands made inspired by the colors of a tuxedo, and people around the world wore them on their wrists, sending me photos.
The wristbands were meant to symbolize a pledge. A pledge to treat people with love and respect in one’s relationships, and also to only accept love and respect in return.
While my focus has shifted elsewhere, I believe the need for chivalry in its evolved and modern form is more dire than ever.
When you use the word chivalry, many people think of knights in shining armor, or dapper men placing their coats over a puddle for a woman to gingerly step across in the 1950s.
While chivalry’s roots are found in knighthood as a code of conduct, our more modern interpretation has interwoven it with manners, effectively making the terms interchangeable.
Both, however, seeming to have faded over time.
I don’t believe we just need to stand by and watch honorable actions slip away, though. Some men choose to be their guardian and protector simply by continuing to implement them in the modern day.
A philosophy remains alive if even one person carries it forward.
We must evolve with the times and remain in alignment with our current values and social norms.
What, then, does chivalry look like in the modern era?
Disclaimer: Inevitably, any article I’ve ever written about chivalry receives comments about its patronizing nature, and that men shouldn’t be “doing things for women” under the assumption that they cannot do said tasks by themselves. For example, opening a door, or pulling out a chair.
For over a decade I have been arguing this point. Men already know you can pull out your own chair. Neither this act of respect, nor any other, comes with the assumption that you’re incapable. Chivalry, by nature, is something we do for someone else to show that we care about and value them. We do it to ease a burden, to show affection, to make you feel special, cared for, and safe.
So, if you’re here to tell me that women can do these things themselves, everyone already knows that. That’s not, nor has it ever been, what this is about.
Now, moving on:
1: Clearly stating your intentions.
How is this an act of chivalry? Let me explain…
The world we’re living in presents unique challenges when building a relationship that were simply nonexistent in our parents’ or grandparents’ generations.
Being accessible 24/7 via text or DM, for one.
Being flooded with imagery of other people all over social media, dating apps, constant temptation and comparison…it’s all magnified versions of what it used to be.
As a result, people’s focus can be pulled in a variety of directions which can make you question how they really feel about you.
It also, unfortunately, makes a lot of people feel “less committed” to the process, as if it’s just a causal conversation that could end at any time when they get bored and simply…stop responding.
In other words — ghosting you.
If this is the “norm” and the way most people do things (it shouldn’t be…but it is), then it follows that the inverse is actually being clear about what you want and therefore respecting someone’s time in the process, even if it means going your separate ways.
A gentleman doesn’t waste a woman’s time — he respects it.
2: Staying true to your word.
Here’s a word you don’t hear often anymore: Honor.
Imagine a world where men hold each other to a set of standards, and distance themselves from those who don’t meet it.
Not the stuff of fantasy books, just…history books.
Staying true to one’s word is what makes them honorable. It signals that you cant trust them, count on them, and rely upon them.
This isn’t just about other people holding you to a certain standard though, but the standards you hold for yourself.
If you’re true to your word, that is a universal trait you’ll carry with you to every interaction and relationship you have. It’s not dependent on the person you’re making a promise to — it’s an integral piece of your identity that dictates your actions.
Staying true to your word — doing what you say you’ll do — is a sign of respect towards another person. It earns a woman’s trust. It shows her that you’re willing to step up to the plate and put in the effort for her on a different level than any other man, and that is what chivalry is all about.
3: The opening of doors and pulling out of chairs.
Certain things just never go out of style.
This is a good time to revisit that disclaimer above.
Able-bodied human women are quite obviously capable of pulling out a chair or opening a door.
An act of chivalry, though, respect and manners, is when someone chooses to do so for her.
“James, what would you call it if a woman opened a door for another woman? Or a man for a man? OR A WOMAN FOR A MAN?”
*Gasp* — you’d call it…chivalry.
Respect has no gender.
This article, though, is about ways that I believe a gentleman can show respect and chivalry to a woman he’s dating, or in love with, or married to — or hell, just friends with. Acts of respect are universal, though some do tend to have traditions rooted in gender roles, nothing in life is set in stone.
Enough digression, though, the point is that opening doors and pulling out chairs for women is a timeless act of respect that we can easily practice on a regular occurrence.
4: Dressing appropriately.
Let’s be clear, I’m not suggesting that a man dress in any specific way that he’s not comfortable with, we all have our own personal style and it should be utilized to express ourselves to the world.
“Appropriately” is the key word here.
Famed designer TOM FORD once remarked that “dressing well is a form of good manners.”
Meaning: It shows respect to the people around you when you actually give a shit what you look like.
Style is shifting, as we know. Looking to (what used to be) the pinnacle of men’s fashion magazines and outlets will show you that in an instant.
What I believe should remain consistent, though, is context.
“Appropriate” is essentially suited to the occasion at hand.
If a woman invites you to be her guest at a formal dinner, and you show up in a t-shirt and jeans, no matter how much they cost or how well they fit, that is inappropriate attire and shows a lack of respect for both the event itself and the woman who invited you.
Similarly, wearing a tuxedo to the beach is also “inappropriate.”
The point is this: Put in the proper effort to best suit the occasion at hand and be proud of how you look doing it.
5: Understand basic etiquette of who leads and who follows.
I believe that part of the appeal of chivalry is the attention to small details.
Does it really matter who walks behind the host or hostess on your way to the restaurant table? Eh, that depends who you ask…
To most people, they wouldn’t even notice or think that it’s even a topic in the etiquette discussion.
That, though, is entirely the point. It’s something that a gentleman will understand and follow regardless of it being mainstream knowledge or not.
Here are a few basics:
When walking up a set of stairs, the woman is to lead. This is to ensure the man catches her should she slip and fall backwards.
When walking down a set of stairs, the man is to lead. This is, also, to ensure he catches her if she falls.
When being seated at a table in a restaurant, the woman is to follow directly behind the host/hostess, and the man follows her.
When walking through a crowded area like a bar or at a party, the man is to lead so he can push through and clear a path.
Some people are rolling their eyes right now, thinking this is too “old school” or irrelevant. They’re asking themselves why any of this matters…
I believe it matters because it sets you apart from the crowd. It puts you in a small percentage of people who are willing to pay attention to the minuscule details of social interaction and elevate yourself as a result, even if only within your own sense of self worth, knowing you’ve done what’s “proper.”
6: Punctuality.
At the end of the first point I made the statement that a gentleman doesn’t waste a woman’s time, he respects it.
One of the primary ways we can show respect for someone’s time is by being…well…on time.
When we show up when we say we will, we’re sending the message that we’re able to be trusted to do what we promised. Much like “staying true to your word” in point #2, showing up when you say you will is in the same category.
I believe that respecting someone’s time sends some more subtle messages as well:
It says that you understand that you are not the only thing they have going on in their life.
It says that you understand they moved things around in their day to be ready at a certain time, so you’re going to match those efforts.
It says that you’ve got the discipline and self control to not dilly dally and become distracted to the point where you’ll be late.
It says that you’ve got the ability to properly plan out your time and arrive somewhere as scheduled.
7: Planning proper dates.
10 years ago, nobody knew what “wyd?” meant.
If you still don’t, congratulations!
It means “what are you doing?”
A casual (and let’s face it — lazy) way to begin proposition of plans.
If someone asks you out lazily, you can bet that the date will be “planned” equally as such.
A date is not just “hey, let’s meet up.” It should be something that is consciously thought out with the invitee’s interests in mind.
In other words: Plan something you know she’d enjoy, dude. This is an opportunity to show her that you’re actually paying attention when she speaks, and are willing to put in effort to act on what you’ve learned.
Not only is that chivalrous, it’s attractive, too.
8: Offer to pick her up for the date.
This is another one that gets a lot of flack.
I understand that a lot of women are uncomfortable having a man know where they live early on in the relationship.
That is, obviously, a personal preference that needs to be honored and respected.
The point being made here, though is about the offer itself.
I believe that offering to pick a woman up for a date is adding that special extra touch that used to be…well…normal.
If she accepts, great!
If she declines and offers to meet there, great!
The point is that you stepped up to the plate and let her know that you were willing to go get her and then drop her off safely afterwards.
If she respectfully declined for the first date, that doesn’t mean she’ll decline for the 5th. Earn her trust as time goes on and you’ll have more chances to flex your chivalrous muscles.
9: Pay the (entire) bill.
Oh goody, another controversial point!
“James, you still believe a man should pay the bill on dates?”
Yes, yes I do.
I always have, and I always will.
“What if she makes more money than me?”
What difference does that make? Pay the bill.
“What if she orders the $93 prime rib?”
You should be prepared to pay for the meal that you invited her to at the restaurant you chose.
“What if she offers to split it?”
Unless she is running out the door, she is probably feigning the offer and will judge you to her friends if you actually accept.
Listen — there are plenty of ways for a woman to reciprocate on a date (not like that, you heathens…).
Perhaps she could pay for the valet, or take care of drinks the next time, or offer to cook for you as you get to know each other better…
I’m NOT SAYING men need to put in ALL of the effort — but part of being chivalrous is courtship, which is an intentional method of dating that shows you’re serious about building a real relationship.
I believe that part of “taking her out” on that type of date is actually paying for it.
I understand everyone is different, but I’d never be comfortable accepting the offer to split the bill — no matter what our income differences are.
If I invited, I’m paying…all of it.
Remember, gents — it’s not about the price tag (if it is, you’re with the wrong woman). Don’t overstretch yourself by going to a restaurant nicer than you can afford and then complaining about the cost. You’ll be much better off by setting realistic expectations — the right woman is there to spend time with you, anyway. Not to get a free meal.
10: Walking on the street side of the sidewalk.
In olden days, this was developed to prevent a woman from getting splashed by a passing car, and also, because people used to throw trash out of their windows which would more likely hit the person nearest the street.
A bit self-sacrificial for the gents, but hey, that’s part of the deal here.
You’ll never catch me breaking this rule. It’s something I learned long ago and implement it on a regular basis. Even if Rachel and I are walking on one of our quiet suburban streets, I’ll make sure that I am on the side nearest the road — that goes doubly for a visit to the city or a busier area.
Remember: It’s the small details that count.
11: Giving your undivided attention.
Think for a minute about just how meaningful undivided attention is.
We live in a world of constant stimulus.
Our attention is being fought for at every corner.
Our phones are constantly beeping at us, telling us to look down. Hey, email! Hey, Instagram! Hey, your favorite writer on Medium just put up another amazing article!
We’ve become immersed in it to the point that we really don’t even notice it anymore unless we are completely removed from it.
And then, it’s “wow…I forgot what silence sounded like.”
Undivided attention, then, means that you’re choosing to take time away from all of the chaos and madness.
To — yes — put your phone away when you’re with someone, whether it’s on a date, or just sitting on the couch watching a movie.
Undivided attention says: There are a million things in the world trying to get my attention right now, but you are the only one I am giving it to.
12: Making her life easier WITHOUT her having to ask.
Every day that Rachel and I have spent together for the past (almost) 3 years, I have asked her what I can do to help her that day.
Of course, 99.9% of the time she says “nothing” and proceeds to run a business, raise 2 kids, manage a household, and be an overall rockstar without my help…
But, that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop offering.
Sometimes, of course, there are ways I can step in, which makes me glad that I never stopped asking just because of all the times that there weren’t.
13: Paying attention to the small details.
There are certain details I think are pretty standard to remember in a relationship. Her birthday, your anniversary, maybe even her favorite childhood stuffed animal (Rachel’s was Snowbear).
Some, though, more often go overlooked.
Yet, like the small acts mentioned above, those are often the most meaningful ones to remember.
The things that she wouldn’t expect you to act on, or to have even heard.
When you come home from the store with her favorite candy because she was craving it last night.
When you know exactly how she gets her coffee and have it waiting for her when she gets up.
When you remember the date of her mom’s surgery and ask how it went.
It doesn’t take much to make someone happy, but it does take them knowing that you really care…and one of the best ways to do that is to show them that you really listen when they tell you things that matter.
14: Building trust with their loved ones.
Here’s something we don’t talk about much: A relationship, while two people, involves two entire lives being merged together.
For some, of course, this is more true than others.
We all come from different family backgrounds, have different sized friend groups, or social circles.
When, though, there are people who care about this person, they’re going to want to see the best for them. To make sure they’re in a safe and loving relationship. To know that they are being properly cared for and loved for who they are.
For me, it was very important that Rachel’s siblings and her parents felt comfortable with me marrying her, particularly because her (now our) two kids were in the picture.
That’s how I grew up — “you marry the whole family.”
Even more importantly was that I’d hoped my family would embrace and get along with her and the girls. Which, of course, they did.
The point here is that while your relationship is only between you and your partner, there are other considerations to manage. She’s going to hear the real input from her friends and family, and while she’ll still make her own decision, nobody wants to be with someone that their loved ones disapprove of.
In case you’re wondering — yes, I went old school and did a video chat with her father to ask his permission to marry her. (He lives far from us, or I would’ve met in person).
15: Genuine, meaningful compliments.
“James, anyone can compliment a woman!”
Yes — anyone can tell her that she’s hot, or beautiful, or sexy, or that she’s got a rockin’ bod (okay, let’s pretend I didn’t just say that…)
But, not everyone will tell her that they’re impressed by her ambition, the way she follows her passions, the patience she has with her kids.
Not everyone will recognize her most closely-held values and show their appreciation of them.
Not everyone will be truly grateful to have her in their life.
Not every compliment is the same. Some take far more effort and attention than others.
The most meaningful ones of all are the ones you can’t copy and paste. The ones that don’t apply to anyone else in the world.
The ones that are only something that could be said to her, because they are about her most unique and defining qualities.
That’s how you make her feel truly seen and valued.
16: Being genuinely involved in her life.
This, of course, increases as time goes on and our lives become more integrated.
I do believe, though, that a man should show interest in a woman’s passions and hobbies. It may or may not be appropriate for him to go along for the ride, but if she asks, go!
If she has an important event, go!
If she wants you to come watch her play cribbage, fucking go!
And, don’t complain about it!
When Rachel was running her businesses, I was there all the time. I helped when I could. I’d pick up the kids. I’d be involved in events.
Now that we’re married and both working from home, we go to all of the kids’ school events together. We travel as a team.
Before you say it — yes, obviously this has to go both ways…but lest we forget the title of this particular article…
17: Respecting and valuing her opinions.
One big thing I’ve heard from private clients over the years is that the men in their lives just…didn’t listen to them.
Didn’t value what they had to say.
Didn’t consider their opinions when making big decisions.
I think there’s a fundamental disconnect here if you’re claiming to love someone.
If you love someone, it follows that you must respect and value them (or, at least, should).
If this is the case, you therefore value their thoughts and opinions. When that is the case, you consider those opinions when making big decisions.
This is an act of chivalry because it’s an act of respect, and not doing so makes someone feel undervalued or ignored.
18: BEING HONEST AT ALL TIMES.
Honor, gentlemen. Honor is about honesty. It’s about doing right by the people you love. It’s about living in full alignment with your truest identity and being authentic and genuine in your actions.
Honorable men do not lie.
They don’t hide things.
They don’t snoop around.
They don’t pretend to be something or someone they’re not.
Honorable men are honorable because you know who they are. That’s how you grow to trust them. That’s how you grow to love them.
19: RESPECTING HER BOUNDARIES.
In case you’ve noticed, the last two points have been in all caps.
While everything in this article is important, I think that honesty and respect of one’s boundaries are non-negotiable.
You see, respecting someone’s boundaries is about respecting their autonomy as a human.
It’s about consent.
Not just physical, though — mental and emotional boundaries as well.
People with a high sense of self worth have defined what they will and won’t accept in life and love.
They have set standards for their partners, and also themselves.
Respecting these boundaries means never rushing anything.
Never making someone feel guilty about their feelings or their personal preferences.
Never trying to manipulate or persuade them into doing something they’re not comfortable with.
Simply put, you cannot be a gentleman and disrespect someone’s boundaries in a relationship. The two just do not go together.
This isn’t an “in the beginning” thing, either.
If you’re married for 15 years, it doesn’t mean you can stop respecting those boundaries. You are still two individual human beings with your own needs, and that is something that lasts for your entire life.
20: Developing yourself as a man.
There is a truth that I have learned during my time on this earth:
It’s not just about finding the right woman, it’s also about becoming the right man.
While life is short — it’s also long.
Making a lifelong commitment to a person is a promise that lasts for decades.
During that time, life is going to evolve. You are going to evolve.
You’ll grow, change, face challenges, failures, defeats.
You’ll need to learn new skills.
You’ll read more books.
You’ll be in control of your mental and physical health.
You’ll continue to grow and evolve as a human.
You’ll become a better son, husband, brother, boss — you’ll become a better man.
Why is this an act of chivalry, you may ask?
Because a gentleman — a true gentleman — honors the gift of his own existence by using it to bring value to the world.
He loves deeply and fully.
He contributes to his community.
He builds strong friendships and relationships.
He leaves people better than he found them.
He does what he can to use his strength for good, never for evil.
As a result, he feels more grounded, more connected, and more fulfilled in life and in love.
All of the above actions and traits come naturally because he has worked to evolve into the best version of himself.
Nothing in this article is an “act.” Chivalry is not about putting on a show, nor is it about using dishonest actions to win someone’s approval.
Being chivalrous is a projection of the man you have worked to become.
It’s a signal of the values you hold and the honor with which you’ve pledged to treat others, and yourself.
Doing the work to become the man who is capable of this might seem daunting, which is exactly why most people don’t do it.
That’s what makes it so rare — and in turn, it’s what makes it so valuable.
- My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
- James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
- Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
- James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
