The Never-Ending Gender Journey

I’m flying the flag but with tentative fervor.

So, I was going to do a regular check-in, and then, things happened. Words were spoken, doubts were amplified and I did what I always do; I disappeared into myself through fear of external judgment and expectations.

I was trained well by a narcissist to hide my ‘self’.

Discovering I was hiding from myself as much as others, and therefore avoiding discovering something as fundamental about myself as my gender identity, was enlightening, freeing, and amazing. But it wasn’t an instant fix. I have years, many years, of practice and validation covering up ME.

My gender journey is not just a gender journey, it’s a journey to finding myself and everything that means. This is why gender gatekeepers are so damn toxic and dangerous in the LGBTQIA+ community and can set back the path of a baby trans (like me) for years — as if we haven’t already been hiding for enough of them. But, that’s a whole other post! I’ll get to it, I’m sure.

And I am a baby trans, in every sense. I’m flying the flag but with tentative fervor. I’m seeing things that light me up, discovering a new world of possibilities and amazing people, and uncovering darkness and cruelty in strangers. I’m learning every day and I am soaking up the education, the tips, the hilarity, the love, but also becoming increasingly aware of transphobia and hate. It’s a bizarre experience, to say the least.

For the first time in my life, I’m in therapy. In fact, I am seeing two therapists. One of those is specifically a gender therapist who identifies as non-binary — someone who gets it. Because so few do. Actually, that’s inaccurate. So many may, but so few feel safe enough to explore, and even fewer to let it be known.

I’m still questioning. I’m happily skitting around in the non-binary while I explore, but just in that touch, in that brush on my thoughts over the possibilities, already I’m learning what it is to be trans. It’s beautiful. It’s amazing. It’s truth. But it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced, not because of my own journey, but because of everyone outside of it.

I can’t stop though. It’s not an option. Because I’ve tasted the freedom and I’ve finally, felt unconditional love. I can’t run away from that. I won’t. I won’t hide anymore.

So what’s next? I’ll let you know when I do.