The Need for Control
The driving force behind my need for control in my outward life
If you follow me, you know that I’m a victim of a long list of abuses. What I rarely discuss is my driving need to control my life around me. From the food I eat to the friends I talk to, everything is carefully laid out. After living a lifetime as a victim of narcissistic abuses, I have developed sensitivities to nearly everything in life. It’s like developing allergies to foods over time.
Exactly why do I feel the need for hyper-control of myself and my surroundings?
When you live your life with every inaction and reaction dictated by someone else, it’s hard to have freedom and control over yourself. You don’t get to make decisions, you’re informed what those decisions are.
Let me give you an example! I don’t like eggs. I don’t care for them in any way they can be cooked. Growing up, I was forced to eat eggs with nearly every meal. Including dinners of scrambled eggs and cheap hot dog chunks. The thought alone makes me want to vomit.
As a free adult, you’ll not see me ever making scrambled eggs and hot dogs. Instead, I control the meal. I decide what sounds good and I cook what my taste buds are craving. Do you think I’d allow someone else to cook me a meal of hot dogs and eggs? The answer is no and truthfully, I’ll starve before I eat that.
Life is like that for the abused. It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be that you were only allowed to watch a half hour cartoon on Saturday morning. As an adult, you rarely watch cartoons and instead watch everything but cartoons.
After abuse, it’s really difficult to trust anyone to make decisions for you. Even more difficult to trust someone to make the best decisions in your best interests. Only I know how to handle what decisions are best for me because I’m the only one that truly knows myself.
It’s truly not an ego thing. It’s self protection. It’s caused by not being able to fully trust anyone else. In abuse victims, it’s the only way we know how to make sure we aren’t taken advantage of again. Is it all healthy? Probably not.
I’ve been told in therapy that a certain amount of control over ourselves and what we do is a healthy thing. I sometimes question the validity of that. Then again, that doubt could be coming from that injured portion of myself that said any control over my life is something to be ashamed and guilty for. This is the emotional upheaval caused by abuse. When you can’t decipher what is coming from the abusers input versus what is healthy, you know that your mind is warped.
At this point, lessening the control I have over my every day life leaves me feeling like I’m opening myself up for additional abuses. Hard boundaries save me from toxic abuse and reliving abuse over again. Some of my habits aren’t all good. There are created and live on because of my hyper-sensitivity to the tactics used by narcissistic abusers. I have lived through the traumas of having a person act one way in public and another in private, nice versus cruel.
Conversely, I live terrified of becoming like my abusers. Learned habits and repeated cycles. It’s a constant battle inside, wondering if how I am is healthy or if it’s becoming toxic. Sigh. Why can’t life be easier sometimes?
Some will view control as boundaries. Me, I’m that someone who does. Those boundaries that are established because I have discovered who I am, that knows what my likes and dislikes are. Boundaries that help me learn that it’s okay to ask for privacy or not eat foods I really don’t like. I should be made to feel guilty about that.
More times than not, the easiest way to not have to face discussions on boundaries means I just do whatever it takes to not have to deal with explaining things. Going back to the eggs again, if I don’t want a meal of eggs… I can instead cook myself for my style of food preferences. Same goes with clothing. If I buy my own clothing, I get to decide what I like best and don’t. It happens with everything in life. If I don’t want to go to a party, I don’t. If I don’t want to drink with friends, I don’t. If I want to go on a walk and others don’t, I go anyway.
In some ways, I think I’m sensitive to seeking validation. If I just do whatever, then I don’t need approval from anyone. In turn, I have become an alpha. I don’t tell others what to do. That’s decisions they need to make. I’m stubborn to a fault with the need to handle my life and my decisions by myself. While I would love to be able to have someone I could trust enough, I don’t have that.
Being single, handling my bills, work, and life has made me a bit resentful when people come into my days and try to tell me what to do with my life. I shouldn’t need to have an outsider to come into my life and say, “You should do X.” Especially when it’s something I don’t want to do. I know that everything I do is for me and how long it takes me to work through decisions.
I wish people would hold discussions. Instead of dictating and saying you should do x, why can’t they ask why I’m not. When I ask them things like this, I lose friends. Which in truth, I think I eliminated a toxic, controlling person by just asking that simple question.
I am FAR from perfect. I’ve had to adapt. Life hasn’t been and isn’t fair. In my eyes, the singular thing I can control is myself. I have to do what is right by me, knowing firmly what my convictions are and who I am. Take a closer look in those you should statements, it gets really easy when someone says I should move to the city. Um, no I should not. I don’t like the city. I don’t like the crowds and the chaos. I prefer the quiet solitude of living in the country.
I know others have these same issues. I know plenty of people that have lived through abuses and are dominate or domineering in every day life. It just sucks when you start questioning if the behavior is toxic or healthy. Maybe by talking (well, writing) we can openly discuss the need to have control over ourselves in ways that are healthy.
Just my humble thoughts on why I am the way I am.