The Nebulous Blob

An Unformed Man

1996

I feel depressed today; a little bit flat. My body aches from the strain of releasing its burning anger. My throat burns; my eyes are strained. My life is basically an ongoing affair with pain and torment.

The gnawing torment is always there; every second of every day; and should I for some reason be able to forget for a moment or two, I always find reminders of it outside of myself.

I encountered several of those last night when I went to an art opening for the father of a friend of a friend. The friend of the friend was named Sue, and I can picture now the moment she and I met.

We were standing by the beverage tables; bottles of wine laying on ice; cans of beer and soda. As I was standing with Rick, she asked if I was Jan; and so we met. Age 40 probably, her appearance is stunning. Tall, slender, stylish short blonde hair; a gorgeous face. A person who carries herself with relaxed confidence and grace, she immediately made me feel welcome in a group of people who have known each other for decades.

Such a pleasant group of people were; attractive, talented, and successful. I spent the evening marveling over this life that might have been mine, had things not gone so wrong. But truthfully, I’m not sure how much I regret not taking the traditional route, because I am just not a traditional person.

But the thing I found the most befuddling about the whole evening is the connection that exists between Rick and his friends, Mike and Sue. They are a study of opposites, really. Mike and Sue are winners in life — smart, talented, interesting, productive, connected to family and friends, charming — by all exterior appearances, very successful people.

But as I saw Rick physically among his friends, the contrast was striking.

He is quite odd-looking. Though not totally bald, his hair is so short and so light that it barely shows. His head is large, his body short and stout. He reminds me of an embryo; something shiny and gooey that hasn’t yet shed its protective covering.

He is undefined, nebulous, and hesitant. He seems to be waiting for something — probably to finally emerge from the womb after so many years in utero.

Rick is one of those people who at first is so nice you can hardly believe it. He is considerate, attentive, and generous — a woman’s dream in many ways. But with men like this, the day always arrives when the void begins to reveal itself.

The void is vast, barren, and bottomless. Rick is an expectant child — waiting to be told what to do, waiting for the next pat on the head; a nod of approval. He is so nice and so empty; so devoid of substance. His life seems like an empty book — a volume full of blank pages unless one would want to fill them in with his bottomless despair.

People like that suck the energy out of you, in their own pathetic way — it is easy to become swallowed up in their sorrow and despair. They are shocking people; as shocking as my mother, in a way. The two are so opposite of each other that they meet on the other side.

I feel very sad about all of this; sad that the world has let me down yet another time — sad that I can’t find anyone to reflect me to myself; to challenge and comfort me.

Yet I know this has a purpose — that this endless stream of characters through my life is slowly, slowly moving me to where I want to go. And maybe Rick, in his unformed dullness, is showing me something about myself, because I, too, in many ways, am still unformed.

And so I go on, one day, one moment, one person at a time, until I finally emerge from the womb I have been encased in for so many long torturous years. With continuing patience strength and desire, I have total faith that my true destiny in life will one day present itself to me.