The Narcissistic Love Story 4

Welcome to the second last part of ‘The Narcissistic Love Story’. Today you will read about Elisa’s challenges, which include PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms. Reading this part will give you an idea of what PTSD can look like and how Elisa moved on from everything and healed herself.

Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 if you haven’t read them yet.

Trigger warning: Readers are advised to be aware that some of the incidents in the story can be triggering, as these are very common in narcissistic relationships.

I have marked (in bold) the PTSD symptoms, the negative effects of narcissistic abuse, and other signs. My comments are added at the end of the article on each marked point.

The end and PTSD

Eight months passed between when I left and the sale of the house — the last time I would ever see Tom again. During that time, Dave and I were living together, he met my family, and we went to my family’s vacation home together. I left the job I hated and started a new job that I really liked.

I remember feeling very relieved to have just left that whole life behind, just everything about it — including what his family thought of me. I remember telling people that I was so lucky not to have had children with him as I was so easily able to just walk away and wash my hands of all of it.

The problem with all of that was I never grieved the loss of Tom. I immediately went into this other relationship and I was so happy and relieved I didn’t feel the need to grieve. Sometimes I would cry and I was sad but for the most part, it was a relief.

Dave was pretty much a womanizer who just wanted to sleep with me and found his way in through the crack in my and Tom’s marriage and he took advantage of it.

However, there was something about him that I saw through to. He had a good heart and I could tell that from the very beginning. He was pretty lost in his life back then. He was an Iraq veteran with PTSD and had gone through a few years of therapy including in-patient therapy.

At the time he was still working on it but he knew the importance of emotional health and mental health. He allowed me to experience and express my whole range of emotions and he could communicate with me about them. I never felt so safe to express myself without fear of not being believed or being told I was wrong or that I shouldn’t feel what I was feeling.

Dave was a broken person before I met him but knowing him today, he’s probably the one who made the biggest transformation out of the three of us.

Dave and I got married in November 2018 and moved to Georgia — something I would never think of doing with Tom. Tom always wanted to move out of New York, but I never wanted to leave my family and I always felt that I would be very alone with Tom just because of the way he was.

I worked very hard to get my therapist license in this new state, there were more credits I needed and internships to be done. I kept asking Dave if we could start trying to start a family as I was getting older (I was 37 in 2019). He kept telling me we weren’t financially ready yet, and he wasn’t ready to have children. My doctor told me I’d better start trying as I was getting to the age where it would be difficult.

In May 2019, Tom was on my mind, so I looked him up (I had looked him up several times before but there was no change to the website he had since we were together, and neither Tom nor I ever had any social media pages). To my surprise, he had updated the website and I was seeing for the first time in four years, an updated picture of his smiling face, and his resume with everything he had been doing since I left.

In my mind, I believed all that time he was “floating in space,” and I never imagined what the possibility of him actually moving on would look like. It was very shocking and it was from that day that I started to really feel the sadness, guilt, and regret that I had pushed down and ignored.

I began to really wonder how life would have been if I had stayed. Since then I just miss the Christmas season with him, and the adventures we had together; I miss his creativity, his art, his music, and his writing. I miss the rock music we loved, the concerts we went to, going to the library and picking out a foreign film to watch every weekend, his sense of humor, the way we made love and said “thank you” to each other afterward, his passion, his love for Transformers and his massive collection of figures I helped him acquire over the years, his motivation… there was so much good.

I began searching for his name to find anything I could. I found his aunt and his sister on Facebook. I wrote to them both but they didn’t answer me. I came across a journal of creative writing from the college he attended for his master’s and found a poem he submitted to it in 2011. The poem was obviously about us and our volatile relationship. He never told me he wrote this and it was such a strange thing to have a glimpse into his mind without him knowing, years later.

In September 2021, Dave felt he was ready to try to start a family. I got pregnant very quickly but miscarried at 11 weeks. I had three more miscarriages after that within the next year and a half.

After the fourth miscarriage (April 2022), there was a week I went home to New York to visit family. I experienced major anxiety and panic throughout my stay just being reminded of my past life everywhere I looked — whereas other times before I’d visited home I would be very anxious but this was the worst I experienced. I became so agitated and angry one day I lashed out at my father and sister, blaming them for the demise of my marriage or at least being one of the causes.

When I got back home, I had the urge to find out something more about Tom and the greatest need I’ve ever felt for closure I never had. Over the years, I have broken down and texted him maybe five times in all. He never once responded in any way or reached out to me in any way.

I still imagined him just floating in space somewhere. I couldn’t bring myself to think of him moving on from me. I got in touch with Tom’s cousin’s ex-wife, who told me, if it helps, that she does know that Tom had gotten remarried. This news completely devastated me, I had a small panic attack then and was very depressed over the next few weeks.

I messaged his aunt on Facebook and this time she was open to talking. She told me that Tom was “very, very happy in his new life” and that they were all “very happy for him”. I was thankful for her openness to talking but this angered me as it presumed that without me, he could finally have a good life. The fact that none of his family knew what it was actually like and that in their eyes, I was the crazy one, is a hard truth to accept.

In the past year, I’ve struggled with having a new feeling that is resentment towards my husband for taking advantage of me and ultimately causing me to leave Tom as I will never know whether Tom and I could have been OK, if I had stayed, perhaps with the right help… or, did he save me from a life of pain and suffering and ultimately, divorce, anyway?

I’ve also struggled with being “triggered” by clients who have had similar experiences and relationships, as well as with feeling resentment towards clients with relationship issues that I have had a part in helping to heal.

Most mornings, my heart starts beating fast upon opening my eyelids and my thoughts go to Tom immediately. Sometimes I’ll have dreams of him and then really struggle through the rest of my day.

I wonder — did Tom learn how to be a good partner and now he treats his new wife well? Does he help her around the house and not get mad at her when she feels angry? Has she reaped all the benefits now that the hard part is over and he is settled in his career and there is no drama? Is her family one of those families that are just great and loving and normal? Is she beautiful and has the type of femininity he always wanted?

Sometimes I allow my mind to see the world through Tom’s eyes and what it was like for him after I left — the pain that I caused the person I loved and believed was my soulmate for 15 years.

I’ve lost the person with whom I shared the most precious moments of my life that we will never again be able to look back on and remember, together. And all that we worked for and all that we dreamed to be for our future was actually never meant to be at all.

“I remember feeling very relieved to have just left that whole life behind, just everything about it — including what his family thought of me. I remember telling people that I was so lucky not to have had children with him as I was so easily able to just walk away and wash my hands of all of it”

The very first feeling of being relieved comes after you physically withdraw yourself from a narcissistic environment, and many people mistake this feeling as freedom from abuse and trauma.

It was good for Elisa not to have kids with Tom, it really helped her to walk away, but her struggles were still there to be able to move on.

“Tom always wanted to move out of New York, but I never wanted to leave my family and I always felt that I would be very alone with Tom just because of the way he was”

You would always be comfortable living with a person who supports and understands you but in the case of being with a narcissist, you would not have a sense of security and care. This can be seen as one of the red flags or a sign that something is lacking in your relationship.

“It was very shocking and it was from that day that I started to really feel the sadness, guilt, and regret that I had pushed down and ignored.”

Elisa saw Tom’s updated website, where he was smiling and she assumed that he is now happier and at a better place in his life. This event actually brought the ignored and suppressed negative emotions like sadness, guilt, and regret to the surface. This worked in her favor by giving her a reality check and making her aware of her unresolved and ignored trauma, which otherwise would have gone unresolved.

It is important to notice that this unresolved trauma and negative emotions were also one of the major reasons for Elisa’s miscarriages.

“I began to really wonder how life would have been if I had stayed. And since then I just miss the Christmas season with him and the adventures we had together; I miss his creativity, his art, his music, and his writing. I miss the rock music we loved, the concerts we went to, going to the library and picking out a foreign film to watch every weekend, his sense of humor, the way we made love and said “thank you” to each other afterward, his passion, his love for Transformers and his massive collection of figures I helped him acquire over the years, his motivation… there was so much good”

Our minds are very good at being biased and remembering only the good while ignoring the bad and hurtful memories. It is to protect us from hurting ourselves repeatedly by thinking about painful incidents. But this nature of the brain can prove to be bad for people who want to move away from their abusers.

This biased nature makes the victims see the good and what they are missing while ignoring the painful and hurtful things that made them walk away.

“I had three more miscarriages after that within the next year and a half”

Trauma is experienced by your conscious and subconscious mind but it is stored deep in the subconscious. If it goes untreated, then it has a tendency to manifest itself in some sort of physical ailment and issue.

Elisa’s 4 miscarriages were the result of physical manifestations of trauma, which can hold you back from moving on in life and can severally affect your life.

“After the fourth miscarriage (April 2022) there was a week I went home to New York to visit family. I experienced major anxiety and panic throughout my stay just being reminded of my past life everywhere I looked — whereas other times before I’d visited home I would be very anxious but this was the worst I experienced it. I became so agitated and angry one day that I lashed out at my father and sister, blaming them for the demise of my marriage or at least being one of the causes.”

“I had the urge to find out something more about Tom and the greatest need I’ve ever felt for closure I never had.”

Here also what Elisa was experiencing were PTSD symptoms, which were caused by the lack of closure, expression of grief, emotions that went out, and processing and resolving of trauma that she endured during her marriage.

“I was thankful for her openness to talking but this angered me as it presumed that without me, he could finally have a good life. The fact that none of his family knew what it was actually like and that, in their eyes, I was the crazy one, is a hard truth to accept.”

It is always seen that a victim of narcissistic abuse would be curious to see what their abuser has been like ever since they left them. This is a natural curiosity to confirm that you were not the problem in the relationship, as a narc would claim. But, if you ever got half the information, just like Elisa did, you would definitely have self-doubt. Here, Elisa missed the point that what she got to know was the beginning of Tom’s new relationship and that in the beginning, it’s always good.

“In this past year, I’ve struggled with having a new feeling that is resentment towards my husband for taking advantage of me and ultimately causing me to leave Tom as I will never know whether Tom and I could have been OK, if I had stayed, perhaps with the right help… or, did he save me from a life of pain and suffering and ultimately, divorce, anyway?”

A narcissistic relationship with no closure will always leave you with doubts and undiscovered possibilities. This adds to self-doubt, irritation, anger, and resentment towards people who supported you and suggested you leave. This is what was happening with Elisa here.

Even though her husband was supportive and, in reality, acted as a catalyst to make her walk out of a toxic relationship, she was angry at him.

“I’ve also struggled with being “triggered” by clients who have had similar experiences and relationships, as well as with feeling resentment towards clients with relationship issues that I have had a part in helping to heal.”

Elisa is a therapist and as a therapist, you always need to keep your personal bias aside to help people in need. For Elisa, it was challenging because she had not addressed her own unresolved issues.

This is a common thing that happens to every victim of narcissistic abuse. They tend to get triggered by people, places, and things that remind them of their unresolved past.

“Most mornings, my heart starts beating fast upon opening my eyelids and my thoughts go to Tom immediately. Sometimes I’ll have dreams of him and then really struggle through the rest of my day.”

These were all the symptoms of PTSD that she was experiencing.

The gift from a narcissistic relationship

Before we go any further, I’d like to share the form that she submitted as a prerequisite to scheduling a session with me. Take note that her mental health was really down and her PTSD symptoms were very obvious and were disturbing her everyday functioning.

The screenshot is shared with the client’s consent

The screenshot is shared with the client’s consent

PTSD symptoms

The PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms that Elisa was experiencing were very severe. She was a professional therapist and that helped her point them all out well but for someone naive, it can be challenging to define and be aware of them sometimes.

This is why I would lie to point them out and write them all down for the knowledge of my readers.

Remember that any of them or all of them can be experienced by anyone suffering from PTSD.

List of PTSD symptoms experienced by Elisa

• Recurrent flashes of distressing memories and traumatic events from the past
• Nightmares and trouble sleeping (ironically, it’s possible)
• Physical and emotionally distressing reactions after being triggered by anything that reminds her of her past
• Irritability, and lack of concentration
• Avoidance of talking, thinking, going to places, or meeting common people who remind her of her past
• Negative thoughts, hopelessness, detachment, and lack of interest in anything and anyone
• Difficulty in experiencing any positive emotion
• Overwhelming guilt, shame, and regret
• Questioning life, and ruminating thoughts
• Depression, stress, and anxiety
• 4 miscarriages without any apparent physical issues

These are the most common PTSD symptoms that victims of abuse and narcissism experience. The severity of these symptoms can differ depending on the trauma, the resilience of the victim, and the duration of the abuse.

In the next part, I will share Elisa’s treatment and her healing journey. From the second session on, she felt a change in her attitude, sleep, and overall mental health. Her healing journey inspires those who have experienced something similar or worse.

As I always say, life gives you chance to heal, you need to take it. If you can imagine yourself happier in the future then the whole universe will work to make it happen. The only catch is that you need to take the first step.

Be ready to take the first step and life will show you the way.

See you in Part 5 — Elisa’s recovery.

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